Is there a feasible way to just stop being friends with someone? I have a friend who was a very nice guy for a long while, but over the last couple of months he has deteriorated into an asshole. He seems incapable of being happy, but it’s not a depression thing, he’s just a jerk now. He takes things too far, gets pissed off at the drop of a hat and makes terrible jokes at inopportune times.
We share a common group of friends and it seems to be a consensus that he is a jerk.
Am I being insensitive or have I not tried hard enough to make the situation better?
I think your friend may be depressed. Drastic personality changes indicate some form of emotional upheaval. However, if your intention is to flee the fuming, emotional volcano that your friend now is. Of course, if it is a gradual change…
Call me old-fashioned, but try a private talk about the problem, and if that’s like playing the flute to a bull, just ignore him.
Most effective way to get the message across. He’ll get offended. He’ll get mad at you. Then he’ll never want to see you again. If he is that senstitive.
I dropped a childhood friend a few years ago. She had to be one of the most consistently negative people I’ve known. For over twenty years, this person used me like a wailing wall. I had to let her go for my own sanity. I can’t think of a time when she was ever happy about anything. I pointed it out repeatedly, suggested she get help, suggested she may be depressed, etc, etc. She always insisted that she just needed someone to talk to. In reality she just wanted someone to shut up and listen to her endless litany of complaints.
I think I let it go on as long as I did out of a false sense of obligation. There was a period when I was extremely busy and kept missing her calls somehow and forgetting to phone her back. When she finally got me on the phone, she blasted me hard for “avoiding” her. In hindsight, I may have been avoiding her unconsciously but I really did keep forgetting to call her back.
Not long after that, I tried one last time to talk to her about her negativity and the effect it was having on me. She didn’t care. She accused me of being selfish, and that she had always “been there for me.” (Not true.) I then tried re-directing our subsequent conversations into happier areas and trying to get her to look for the positive in her own life. She accused me of not caring about her problems. sigh
Eventually, I moved and just didn’t give her my new number, which is unlisted now. I agonized over it for a long time. But frankly I’m happier without her. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
You could try tactfully letting him know the effect he’s having on your group. It’s worth a try, you never know. Especially since this behaviour is a recent development. The truth is, we are not obligated to keep company with anyone. But if he’s been a good friend for a long time, it only seems fair to at least try to talk to him about it.
He’s either depressed, doing drugs, or going through some kind of serious shit. People’s personalities rarely change without some sort of catalyst. I, too, would attempt to try to draw him out.
We often misidentify depression. We think the depressed person should act…well…depressed! That’s often not the case. Clinical depression is expressed in many different ways. Losing interest in things formerly enjoyed is one. Even if he’s not depressed, that does not preclude other forms of mental illness - like schizophrenia.
Some indicators of schizophrenia are being highly suspicious and accusatory about normal things and taking offense easily. Schizophrenics tend to turn against those closest to them first. They suspect friends and family of doing things to sabotage them. They don’t misplace things - things are stolen. Any laughter must be at them, not with them.
The problem with most forms of schizophrenia is that it is a slow developing illness. If you’re with a person a lot, you will have a difficult time seeing the signs until you’re pulling your hair out in frustration with the person. That sounds about where you and your friends are now with this individual.
Try to find out if this person has ever had any problems with mental illness. Try to find out if there is any history of mental illness in his family. There’s not much you can do, unfortunately, if he is suffering from schizophrenia. You may try to talk him into seeing a professional, but most likely, that will just make you one of his “enemies.”
Of course, the person could have just contracted a form of terminal assholism and is best abandoned to his own devices.
Another vote for it sounds like something serious is going on with him. It’s a tough conversation to start, but if he’s really a friend, someone needs to sit down with him and say “hey, we’re all really concerned with what’s going on with you.”
I ruined two fantastic friendships about five years ago because I was depressed and didn’t realize it. I was a whinging bitch for about a year, and I guess they finally had enough. Our lives were all moving in different directions, so when they moved, they just chose not to keep in touch.
I can look back on it now and see how difficult I was being, but I do wish they had attempted to talk to me about it. I stuck it out with them while they were depressed, each on separate occasions, but they couldn’t stick it out with me. The whole situation sucked on several levels.
if he’s that close a friend, maybe talking to his family would be in order. i agree with the others that a personality change is a flag that something is going on in his life. if depression or mental illness is behind it, trying to talk to the person himself is likely to be a short trip to futility. but talking to his parents or siblings, asking if they’ve noticed changes or know of any new stresses, might just get everyone putting their heads together and comparing notes. like Cillasi said–when you’re close to someone, gradual changes sneak up on you because you’re too close for perspective. but if someone from outside comes by, saying “Hey, have you noticed how…”, it could be the catalyst for an objective assessment. (one your friend might possibly be incapable of doing for himself, if there really is a serious problem.)
of course, the downside is that there may be some major family dysfunction, in which case EVERYONE could well be in denial about anything being wrong. but at least you’d be making an honest effort to see if your friend really needs help, rather than just dropping him because he’s no longer an asset. you may in fact wind up having to drop him anyway, rather than get sucked into his downward spiral. but you’ll probably feel better for having made the effort, rather than kicking yourself later for “Why didn’t I see it?” if something really is wrong.
I have to cast a vote for the possibility that this guy is depressed. One thing I’ve observed is that men who are depressed often have anger/irritability as their most prominent symptom. Is he someone who might respond if you sat him down and had a heart-to-heart about your concerns?
For example: “You’ve been different lately–you’re abrasive and unhappy and angry–and if you need someone to talk to/lean on…”
Of course, if you don’t feel that you want to try that, and you’d rather just drop him regardless of the cause, go for it. I can’t imagine that it’s that hard–just stop returning phone calls and emails. If you work together/have friends in common, it’s probably going to be tougher, and if that’s the case, you may find it’s worth it to you to expend the effort to find out what’s up with this guy.
Brain tumors also cause drastic personality changes, often towards the negative. A childhood friend’s mother developed a brain tumor and divorced her husband and started negelecting her children before the tumor was even diagnosed.
*Is there a feasible way to just stop being friends with someone? I have a friend who was a very nice guy for a long while, but over the last couple of months he has deteriorated into an asshole. He seems incapable of being happy, but it’s not a depression thing, he’s just a jerk now. He takes things too far, gets pissed off at the drop of a hat and makes terrible jokes at inopportune times.
We share a common group of friends and it seems to be a consensus that he is a jerk.
Am I being insensitive or have I not tried hard enough to make the situation better?*
I think the solution to both side of this is to tell him straight up that A) you don’t want to be friends with him any more and B) why (because you and everyone else think he’s turned into a big jerk).
This is the right thing to do for several reasons. First, it makes it clear you don’t want to be friends with him. The sort of weasely, cowardly, and more usual way to stop being friends with someone is to quit returning their calls, not talk to them, etc. This is quite puzzling for the person in question - they don’t know if you’re truly busy or if you don’t like them or what. Tell 'em the truth, straight up. Don’t have to be mean about it, but it really is the right thing to do.
Second, telling the person the truth straight up gives them a chance to hear they’re being a jerk, and know that it’s dead serious since they’re losing a friend over it. A pretty clear and strong message for them to straighten up and fly right. This is giving them a final chance to change their behavior.
In short, it’s just the right thing to do. Don’t play the stupid social games that people play. Tell the person in question straight up what you’re doing and why, and let the cards fall.
-Ben
Thanks for the advice guys. A while back (maybe a month ago) I told him that he was appearing really unhappy lately and asked what, if anything, was the problem. He seemed to take it to heart and sounded genuine when he said he would try to find out why he was being irritable and would try to remedy the situation. He was better for a while, but I think it might be a family thing. He belongs to a fairly strict family and says so (not so often that it’s noticeable, but so often that we all know).
I honestly don’t think that it’s a mental health issue, he has no history of problems and I just don’t get that vibe. He’s not being violent or offensively angry, but what we all used to take as good-natured ribbing, he takes as a personal attack now. He overreacts quite a bit and he doesn’t seem to know when to stop. We’ve all tried being nicer around him, not saying anything to provoke, but it is of no avail. I’m no expert on mental health; are these symptoms of anything that is common to teenage males besides “growing up” or “teenage angst”?
I’ve been friends with this guy for about a year and the others in our circle of friends have known him much longer and we all see these changes in him. It doesn’t seem to be recurring, because they never mentioned him being like this before. It could be something in his personal environment…
