Background: I have two children, both adults now. My oldest, Gertrude, is married and has three kids. Gertrude is not my biological child. She is the product of a relationship my wife had her senior year in high school. I came into Gertrude’s life when she was about a year and a half old. Her mom and I married when she was three and I completed the adoption when she was six. Gertrude has no childhood memories of her biological father. I am the man who raised her. She calls me “dad”. She has always known the truth of her biological situation as her age allowed.
Now: Some years ago, Gertrude sought out a relationship with her biological father, Manfred. Manfred has pretty much remained the same guy he was in high school (in the 1980s). He has gone from woman-to-woman in the intervening decades and held blue collar jobs. He has also had some relatively minor run-ins with the law, though he is far from a hardened criminal. Anyway, Manfred has a fourteen-year-old daughter named Hortence. Manfred is not a horrible or abusive father, but he isn’t much interested in keeping up with a mouthy teen. Hortence’s mom is unavailable for anything meaningful.
As you’ve guessed, Hortence now lives with Gertrude and her family. Gertrude’s three kids are my grandchildren. They call me “Bawpaw”. I like Hortence just fine, but I am at a loss as to what to call her – aside from “Hortence”. Gertrude’s home is the most stable home life Hortence has ever had. Hortence calls my daughter and son-in-law mom and dad.
So what do I call Hortence? Is there a word for this? She is my wife’s ex-husband’s daughter from another, much later, relationship. My adopted daughter is now her guardian (perhaps permanently, perhaps temporarily).
There’s way more information in there than needed. If I’m reading everything correctly, this is what I’m getting:
Gertrude is your step daughter.
Manfred is Gertrude’s dad.
Manfred is Hortence’s dad.
Gertrude and Hortence are half sisters.
Hortence and you would have no relation. I think the easiest way to explain it to people would simply be ‘this is Hortence, my daughter’s half sister’.
Please quit calling her your adopted daughter. She is your daughter, and this is her sister.
There are a lot of relationships that don’t have specific names. I am trying to come up with terms for my sons’ mothers-in-law. We are all friends, but we are also now grandparents to some of the same children. There should be a name! Like, co-madre, or something.
(I once confused the hell out of my coworkers by telling them that my husband’s mother-in-law was in town and she was driving me nuts. Yes, that was my mother. Yes, she was driving me nuts. This is just an aside and has no bearing on anything.)
That may sound strange since usually your daughter’s sister is your daughter as well.
OTOH, perhaps it is time in society to end that assumption. It’s not like half-siblings were a recent invention. The ‘nuclear familyist’ concept assumed much simpler family relationships than the ones that life produces.
I never refer to my daughter being adopted unless there is some need to identify her as such. There is also no “step-” anything required. She is my daughter, full stop. Period. The fact of her biology is irrelevant to that fact.
For her part, Gertrude refers to Hortence as her little sister. This is actually upsetting to Wolfgang, who is my and my wife’s son together. Wolfgang very much wanted to be a big brother himself, but our third child was a stillbirth. We had no further children. Gertrude claiming this teenager as a long-lost sibling is upsetting in some ways. Gertrude had a very trying childhood and Wolfgang suffered much for it. In his eyes, and mine, no one should be able to claim to be Gertrude’s sibling without having had to suffer the consequences of that. None of this, however, is Hortence’s fault.
All the adult feelings can be gotten through and have largely been handled. This Thanksgiving is the first we have spent with Hortence, though not at all the first time we have interacted with her. We are happy welcoming Hortence into our clan, it is just so confusing coming with a way to describe her that is succinct yet not impersonal. Family friend doesn’t really work. Granddaughter doesn’t work. Gertrude’s half-sister is biologically accurate, but leaves out a lot of information.
I know it’s all just my hang-up, but I thought that some of the Teeming Millions might have had similar experiences. It’s not like this family structure is unique in the history of the world.
So what does Wolfgang expect Gertrude to call her sister? I understand he thinks that “sibling” is a title that must be earned through abuse/suffering, but it is up to you to reason him out of that crazy belief. Gertrude shouldn’t have to tiptoe over the truth just because your son is confused.
“Gertrude’s half-sister” is more than adequate. If someone is curious how she can have a half-sister who isn’t related to you, then you can provide additional details. I have a friend who has multiple sets of stepsiblings, half-siblings, and full siblings due to multiple marriages on both sides of the family. She just calls all of them siblings. But if you ask her how many siblings she has, that’s when she describes the complexity.
In Hawaii we use the term hānai which is Hawaiian for adopted, but as explained in this article it’s much broader in meaning such as a grandchild being raised by their grandparents: https://www.mauimagazine.net/hawaiian-hanai/. No one would blink an eye or question if you referred to Gertrude as your hānai daughter.
Hortence calls Gertrude “mom”, but Gertrude calls Hortence her “sister”? I think for outside of the family, she’s a grand-daughter. She’s living with your daughter’s children and being raised by by your daughter. If anyone is close enough to require a longer explanation, you can explain as much or as little as you like.
Your son is a separate issue. Perhaps the two of you could talk about not taking Gertrude’s history out on this girl, who has had enough trouble. It sounds like she could use all of the acceptance and love that she can get.
From someone with a family that has some odd names/titles for each other ------ talk it over with the two girls, include your son probably, and decide what feels good for all of you. Your case will not be this extreme but --------
I’ve mentioned this before but I am very close with the one branch of cousins. I lived with their family several times over the years growing up and we’re all of an age. Everything was fine and dandy until we got older and they had kids, we helped raise a couple of the kids, and all the kids were a little confused. I was the same age as all their aunts and uncles but with a different last name ------ but just what was I? I was clearly more a sibling than a cousin but that wasn’t quite right either. And these were kids after all.
Finally the one who was about 4 at the time came right out and asked; are you my uncle or my cousin? Now anyone who knows me knows that I never take anything much seriously and for some reason I replied “well – since I live closer to West Virginia than anyone else maybe I’m your Uncle Cousin”. So that is what I became - instantly. The kids are now all in their 20s or more and even in public I’m Uncle Cousin. People can think what they want and go screw themselves for the effort; it feels good and we like it.
Sorry, I got confused. The question is about Hortence. Still applies. You could refer to both as your hānai daughters or just Hortence as your hānai daughter. When someone asks what that means, explain that she’s not directly related, but like a beloved daughter to you and you treat her as such.
Edit: IMO, anyone asking for a more detailed explanation of your relationship is prying too much into your private affairs.
It might actually be easiest to just ask Hortence how she’d like you to refer to her. In all but legal/medical type situations, most people aren’t going to question your relationship or even need to know. If she wants you to call her your daughter or your daughter’s half sister or your cousin or your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate, it doesn’t really matter. And, like I said, the vast majority of people aren’t going to question it. If someone introduced me to their daughter, I’m not going to ask if it’s really their daughter or they’re just saying that to skirt a longer explanation.
Sure, if there’s a medical issue, they might need to know she’s not your biological daughter. If there’s a legal issue, the adoption part could be relevant, but beyond that, the exact nature of your relationship is rarely going to come up.
I agree with this .Take out Hortense’s age and the fact that she’s Gertrude’s half-sister - say she’s the toddler daughter of Gertrude’s deceased cousin and you’d almost certainly refer to her as your granddaughter to most people.
In Mrs. FtG’s family there was a sad case. A mother died shortly after childbirth and the eldest daughter raised the child. She called her sister “Mom” and all that.
At a family reunion a few years back Mrs. FtG heard the following exchange between the youngest daughter’s kid and another daughter who happened to be a nun:
“Do we call you ‘aunt’ or ‘great aunt?’”
“Yes, but you can call me ‘sister’”.
Just be flexible. If things get blurred, that’s okay. Range possible here are daughter’s half-sister to foster (?) granddaughter (if she thinks like that).
Other than in a legal or medical situation, the familial relationship with anyone you may be with is irrelevant and it would be rude for anyone to inquire further. I was friends (strictly platonic) with a much younger woman and when I helped her find a place to live, her roommates assumed I was her Uncle (we didn’t look anything alike). Neither she nor I ever clarified the situation.
Just remembered. Since I tend to befriend younger men and women (I’m often looked upon as father figure), I’m sometimes asked if they are my son or daughter. If I get an odd look because we don’t look anything alike, I’ll say: “Yeah, he/she takes after their Mom…and Dad.” Depending on the other person’s reaction, I’ll either leave it at that or answer that that we’re just friends.
I’m going to get flamed for this, but I sometimes get irritated when people put an possessive emphasis on “This is MY wife” or “This is MY husband”. I’m tempted to say, “Oh, how much did you buy her/him for?”. I’m more tolerant with “This is MY daughter or son”, since supposedly you have something to do with their conception or care in the case of an adopted child. Personally, I wouldn’t call Gertrude my daughter unless I was directly involved with her life.
In the case of the OP, I would probably opt for introducing Hortence and Gertrude by their first names to place them on equal status. If someone asked “Are they your daughters?”, I’d reply, “Yes, Hortence is adopted and Gertrude is in the process of becoming part of the family.” Any further inquiry would be ignored. Mumbling “None of your business” as I turn away!