is there any way to develop a “support system” when you’re middle-aged and “set in your ways”?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I recently binge-watched Season 1 of a TV show online (ABC’s “A Million Little Things”), about four random guys who meet up and become friends after they get stuck in an elevator together for 20 minutes.

Without spoiling anything, the four random guys become best of friends, and then when one of them leaves the group, the three remaining members become even more tight-knit than before, and they lean on each other to get them through each other’s individual bullshit that they’re each dealing with.

It seems like we (not just the SDMB, but society in general), all have “our own shit” to deal with, and having a support system around you must be unbelievably helpful.

My problem is that I’m approaching my late 40’s, and I got nothin’ even approaching that. God’s honest truth, my 70-year-old Mom (who I see twice a year) is the extent of my “support system”.

I’ve got two “best friends” in the world – one (from high school) lives four hours away, and he and I don’t really communicate anymore, since he’s a huge Trump guy, and (I assume) has seen some of the comments on random Facebook pages that I’ve posted, so I’m convinced that the last two years has led to him not returning my calls / texts anymore.

The other one (from college) lives local, but is always too busy, whether it’s with work, or having gotten married and raising two kids, etc. I have no idea whether or not the 2016 election led to us parting ways, since he’s not a Facebook guy, and the most I’ve communicated with him over the years is our once-a-year “hey, happy birthday man” text-message exchanges.

Same goes for most of the people at work – the people around my age are all married w/ kids, so their time is spent dealing with all that that entails.

I miss the days of my first job out of college in 1995, when – if we weren’t all bangin’ each other – we would all go out and have happy-hour drinks together, and build an incredible group camaraderie among each other.

I have zero interest in ever getting married (because I “know me”, and all it would lead to is an eventual divorce, and the pain in the ass of all that), so dating seems like sort of a pointless exercise. What am I gonna do, date some gal for a month / a year / three years, until “shit starts getting real”, and it comes time to shake hands and part ways?

So is there any way to try and develop your own “support system” of like-minded people as you get older, that you can eventually talk to about stuff and to have them “in your corner” (and you in theirs), after you spend a couple of weeks / months bonding?

Is “meetup” even a thing anymore? My (non-religious) parents tell me maybe I should try going to church, but that’s not really “me”, and it’s not anything that I’d ever give my total “buy-in” to.

Or do you just say “screw it”, find yourself a good therapist, and spend a couple of hours a month talking to them about whatever’s troubling you?

Thank you in advance for any first-hand-experience stories.

2

I think meet ups are a great idea. They definitely are still a thing, and a great way to meet people with similar interests to your.

3

Freshly divorced, solidly in my late 40s (actually nearer to 50) and not one to have a lot of “friends” myself, I share your worry. Why discount dating? I have no intent to ever get married again, but am open to a long term relationship.
My experience with counseling is that while helpful, it is ultimately unsatisfying for the sort of thing you/we are after.
So, same old advice, find a good barber or bartender, join a special interest/hobby group, take a class or two, whatever it takes to meet people you like and that like you.

4

Meetup groups are great. I’ve been able to develop a relatively good support system through some common interest groups.

5

I can relate. I was in my early fifties when I got divorced. Due to my ex’s issues, I had work friends I saw only at work, and that was about it. I did, however, have a close-knit, though geographically distant family, as well as good friends from over the years who also lived far away but stayed in touch. I did date and had some wonderful relationships. Don’t look at dating as, “Bummer. We’ll just end up breaking up eventually.” Not to be morbid, but death ensures there’s no happily ever after for anyone. I’m still friends with a couple of guys I dated. And if you’re in a relationship, you can make friends and form a support group through the people you meet through your SO, if you don’t break-up bad.

Also, what makes friends is shared experiences over time. Meet-up groups are good, but think about other areas as well. Volunteer. Take classes that are fun and involve teamwork. A lot of people are already comfortably ensconced in old friendships, so consider activities that get you involved with newcomers. In my experience, church activities did not lead to new friendships because the social groups were well-established, but I guess a mega-church might be OK for that, if that’s your thing. I got closer to my work friends, and they saw me through some tough times. We’re still a support group even though I moved away. And I made friends in my apartment complex that have become a support network.

The keys are to open yourself to new people and situations and to sustain them. Unlike TV, it takes more than 20 minutes in an elevator. Best of luck!

6

{OP here} holy crap, that’s a great idea, and one I haven’t thought of yet. And thank you to the previous posters who have confirmed that “meetup” is still a ‘thing’. I’ll look into that one as well. I appreciate the input and feedback.

7

I volunteer just for this reason. I would stay completely alone if left to my own devices. But I have this one friend who insists I stay involved. She will come and drag me out of my house and make me go. Because of her I’ve gotten some painting commissions. So the gifts keep multiplying.
All you really need is one available friend. Look for that person when you go to volunteer. It will often be the loudest mouth in the room.They are out there

8

Nope.

9

I’d definitely go for a hobby/interest group over one that’s simply meetup for the sake of meeting people. You’ve got a better chance of it sticking around, with more people and a bigger network.

Second bit of advice is try to be part of other people’s support network. Don’t just think what you want from other members of the group, think what you can be to them- are you good at making things? Can you host a games night? Able to give someone lifts to meets?

I’m involved in juggling. Some people on the board immediately write that off as a bunch of idiots, probably mostly buskers, but nope. It’s a huge network of people, not only all through this country, but international, it does include some buskers, but also doctors, tax advisers and a disproportionate number of IT guys, several of whom do basically no actual juggling, and one of two that actually can’t, but hang around anyway. Almost everywhere I go in the country, through the group I have a built in social group, someone local who I can contact in an emergency, and even someone I could spend Christmas with if I didn’t have anywhere to go. There are a high number of misfits in the group, including people who have no contact with their bio family, but I suspect that’s why they’re such a good, accepting, support network. We had a tragic death in the group a few years back- the group organised food and house cleaning for weeks afterwards, helped organise the funeral, and still now several of the group offer free childcare so the widow can get out for the odd night.

They’re basically my second family, even though I just got involved 'cos I wanted to learn to juggle.

10

Get out and meet people.

Doesn’t matter how you do it, just do it. Among the many alternatives are

  • “meet ups”
  • hobby groups/clubs
  • religion (yes, we know you aren’t that sort, but there are groups that are, frankly, more of a social thing than a religion thing. Can be hard to find.)
  • volunteer
  • take a class in something
  • become a breakfast regular at a local diner
  • ethnic organizations - “X heritage center” or the like

And probably a bunch more.

11

Hey, don’t knock “date some gal for a month / a year / three years, until “shit starts getting real”, and it comes time to shake hands and part ways” till you’ve tried it. I used to date women, being extremely up-front in my having no interest in marriage. They initially agreed, but eventually changed their marriage attitude, so we would split up. I had three relationships like that, and am still in touch with two of the women (who went on to marry). The one-year dating anniversary seems to be when women change their mind about marriage.

My current gf and I have been together close to 15 years. We are not married. We have a very fulfilling relationship and are still in love!

12

as stated above: nope.

I drink a lot of beer and constantly remind myself that literally billions of people in the world have worse problems than me.

13

You’ll need to spend a significant amount of time with someone to create a relationship at a level where you’re friends that have each other’s back. However, you shouldn’t set out specifically do to do that, as it will come off as creepy. Instead, regularly do activities where you see the same people over and over. That will allow relationships to develop naturally. Some example activities are:

  • Join a running/triathlon/fitness group
  • Go to the gaming area in comic book stores
  • If you like stuff like the Renaissance Fair, see if there’s an SCA group in your area
  • Get involved with volunteer groups which maintain public parks
  • Local political groups

Things like that will typically be large groups of people who all meet on a regular basis. There will be ample opportunities to talk with each other and form friendships.

14

Early 60s here, widowed 12 years ago, work from home, live rural. I have to make an effort to have a support network. Fortunately, it’s really not that hard to make friends. :slight_smile:

Meetup is fantastic. I joined a Skeptics group and have quite a number of very close friends from that association. We get together frequently, sometimes in a group but also in smaller constellations such as singles/couples/whatever. Plenty of folks to talk to!

I also joined the nearest grange hall and a local neighbors’ group that meets once a month for a potluck. From those, I now know most of my neighbors for a few miles around. That’s useful in the country.

Another resource is Nextdoor. It’s a great way to get to know your neighbors and help each other out. I had a situation in February where a tree had fallen during a storm, blocking the gate to my property. I’m handy, but not with a chainsaw. I jumped on Nextdoor, put out an SOS and had 2 handy-with-chainsaw folks respond within minutes. I’ve since gotten to know several more neighbors who are willing to help out with things that are beyond my skill set. Boy, is that a comfort.

And as you have already noted, volunteering is a terrific way to make friends with people who are already willing to help out. I joined Altrusa International, the Literacy Council and a local women’s shelter in my area at various times. Still maintain some friendships from each of those stints.

Best advice I can give: To have good friends, be a good friend. If someone needs your help, be the first to jump in! Close friendships are, to be cliché about it, like gardens: They require consistent tending.

15

Yet another who says make an effort to meet w/ people who share an interest.

I’m 58, and am not really interested in a lot of friends, but right now, most of my best friends are people I met through bluegrass jams over the past 5-10 years. We meet just about every week, and play for several hours. Different subsets meet at other times, host dinners/parties, etc.

You have to choose some sort of activity that allows for socializing. Maybe after the specific activity, folk go out for drinks, coffee… Or there is a main activity - like a garden club w/ monthly meetings, but smaller subsets for peoples’ specific interests.

Make no mistake, tho - it takes effort. I have heard each of my kids (in their 20s-30s) comment on how much harder it is to meet people than when they were in school.

16

One warning about volunteering. If it associated with a school, approach a male to offer your time. Women who volunteer at school generally have small children and they are wary of men who are not parents themselves. We have two younger men in our group but they started as student volunteers. Man, oh man it’s nice to have young muscle to do heavy lifting.

17

I think how you meet people is not how you get a support system. I think how you treat people is what encourages them to wish to be supportive. You are old enough to know how to solve, or at least ameliorate some of life’s challenges. In whatever groups or activities, be supportive to people. Nothing quid pro quo, but develop the habit of offering help, noticing needs, referring friends with particular problems to friends with specific skills. Every once in a while you will see a way to eliminate a problem for someone. Just do it. Don’t worry about getting anything for doing that. The answer to “Oh, man, you just eliminated a huge problem for me.” Is “It really wan’t a problem, for me, so why not?”

You see a guy from your games and model making group at the bus station. You stop and pick him up. Take him where he needs to go. Don’t accept even praise for doing it. Insist it wasn’t out of your way, even if it was. And don’t keep track of favors. You are in extreme debt for some reason, because you don’t have a bunch of folks you don’t even need to ask for help. There are such people in the world. Become one of them.

Be the guy everyone knows isn’t keeping track. Including you! And when the guy who does his own ring job, in the driveway “owes” you a favor, remember that when the old lady next door’s car keeps crapping out. “I got no clue how to fix that, but I think I know a guy who might. I’ll ask him to take a look at it.”

Don’t think it’s gonna happen fast. But getting favors back isn’t why you should do this. Be the sort of person you want to meet in the world.

People say “what goes around, comes around.” It really doesn’t. Someone has to carry it.

Gimme a hand with this, can you?

Tris

I got nothing. But, evidently, I have a very large supply of it.

18

The TV version of friendship does not exist in the real world.

It sounds like you have had issues with romantic relationships in the past. The same will likely be true of platonic relationships. People are going to always be looking out for themselves and, as long as there is something in it for them they may decide to hang out with you. Chances are that you will never find someone who wants to “have your back” or have anything other than a ephemeral relationship. That just isn’t how the world works nowadays.

In the past humans relied on other humans for entertainment. Whether it was playing games or getting information you wanted, people were the answer. Now you can play games all day without even interacting with another human and Google will tell you anything you want to know. Want to develop a new skill? Watch the YouTube video.

In a sense, people have become redundant. As a result there are very few people out there on the other side of this equation. They either have family or they only interact online, and that’s all they have time for.

Finding anyone else interested on spending the time to find out if you are a good fit to be considered a friend is likely to be a difficult quest.

I’ve seen research that suggests that about 1 in 4 Americans don’t have a close friend.

19

I’m in a similar boat and think about this often. I also have some structural issues to overcome.

Back when I worked a regular job, I had a cadre of very close friends who I would get together with outside of work. But, for the last 25 years I have been a traveling consultant, doing a project work in a remote location for 9 months, then one in a different location for 6 months, etc. On some projects I am the sole consultant. On some I am part of a team, and can make new friends for the duration of the project. But once we are done, we go our separate ways. I go home to where I live, they go home to where they live; Florida, New Jersey, Idaho, etc., so no getting together outside of work.

In addition, when I am home for the few days on the weekend, my spouse has decided that we will spend our recreational time with just one couple (my spouse does not have a rich social life). I’m “OK” with that, as far as it goes, but we are constrained in what we do by their tastes and advanced ages. And since I am spending time with them, I am NOT doing other things that might introduce me to other people and develop new bonds.

I often think that when I retire, I will be able to do things and meet new people. But I worry that it will not really work out that way. I’ve already scoped out an art class that I want to sign up for when I retire, but that is a few years away. And, reading the Yelp reviews on the class some have said, “Ugh, it’s full of old people!” So, yeah, pardon me for being older!

Anywho, I could go on and on - How do you approach new people to deepen relationships without triggering the “creepy” reaction, especially if they are not the same gender or age bracket? With men, there is the gay panic aspect (Is he trying to pick me up?)

Am I thinking too hard about this? For people in this situation, that is a risk.

20

If you also have a goal of making friends, find activities which are cooperative and require people to work together. In situations like an art class, there may not be any reason for the students to really interact. Sure, they may make occasional small talk, but most of the time in the class will likely be solitary. Classes which might be better for making friends could be things like acting, improv, and gardening, where the students are more likely to interact significantly as part of the class. Then through the usual activity of the class it will be easier to get to know other people.

One thing that might make it easier to make friends when you retire is that a lot of retired people like to sit around and talk. You can often see groups at rural convenience stores, parks, bocce ball courts, barber shops, etc. All you need to do is walk up and say Hi and you’ll be part of the group.

As for right now, your travel will make it tough to make friends. One way might be to get involved with any sort of on-line presence for a local group. For example, get involved with a committee at a church where you interact through email or whatever. That way you can still have regular interactions with the people even though it might be many weeks before you actually see them in person.