When my mom got divorced in 1994 she said she felt like a pariah at the time. I was a typical selfish teenager at the time and dont remember anybody treating her any differently. But i’ve heard, anecdotally, that people still get pretty judgey about people getting divorced.
I know it is one of the (stupid) reasons some people dont get divorced when they should- they are afraid of being ostracized by their peers. Divorce itself can be pretty stressfull, but I cant imagine what it must be like for people to not only go through that, but to have to suffer the indignity of their own support system (friends, family) abandoning them.
I wonder if the continued condemnation of divorcees in our society is perpetuated by people critical of how much easier it is to get a divorce. Talking heads on the radio will try to imply that many people who get no-fault divorces simply weren’t trying hard enough with their marraige. But I wonder if maybe they are just a really noisy minority in this.
It does not carry the stigma that it did up through, say, the 1960s. I think the woman got the worse end of the social stigma deal. By the 1990s this was largely gone, partly due to more liberal social standards and partly due to the increasing divorce rate. I’m very surprised your mom felt like a pariah. I was divorced in 1985 and neither my ex nor I experienced any such thing. I’m sure it can vary widely depending on your age, where you live and what your social circle is like. A divorced twenty-something New Yorker is likely to have a different experience than a divorced fifty-something person in a conservative, religious small town.
As far as whether there is a societal stigma against being divorced, I’d say not really. At least, not in America. But as to whether an individual woman might feel stigmatized by her family or community after a divorce? Certainly, it’s possible. It all depends on her peer group and family. For a woman who’s married with children, it wouldn’t be surprising if most of her friends were also married with children. And in small, highly-religious communities, people are more likely to frown on divorce.
Maybe your mother felt ostracized because her parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends all frowned on divorce and thought less of her for “giving up” on her marriage, or they perceived the marriage failed because of her inability to hold onto her man. Her individual situation doesn’t necessarily reflect societal trends or attitudes, though.
I felt very self-conscious about being divorced at thirty. I was embarrassed about breaking a voluntary, lifelong commitment after a ridiculous five short years. I felt like people would judge me as being reckless and flighty, that they would think I had never taken the whole thing seriously. I thought people would think I hadn’t tried to work on things, that I had just thrown my hands up and walked away the first time shit got real. In hindsight, I don’t believe anyone treated me that way at all. I felt that way about my ex, and that’s why I thought people would feel like that about me.
Mid 90s urban UK. Some people disapproved when I threw a divorce party. Most understood when I said the marriage had broken down five years earlier – when we stopped living together – so the party was to celebrate the end of the drawn out legal business that formalised things. A few still felt there was nothing to celebrate about a divorce. Apart from that I never felt personally disapproved of.
I don’t think that there was a stigma even in the 1990s.
I heard a teacher, about 1979, mention how times had changed. He pointed out that in the early to mid-60s, it was considered scandalous to have been divorced. Point being, by late 70s, nobody even blinked an eye.
I think your mom was overly sensitive at the time. I don’t believe that everybody was quite defined that when one is divorced, the old crew of couples don’t have as much in common with a single, and may feel uncomfortable with being put in the middle of an ex-couple’s spat, so they generally avoid the divorcees. No persecution/stigma/condemnation with the general run of the population, tho.
Although, and it’s getting to be a smaller circle, devout religious people of more conservative religious groups used to be aghast at divorce and remarriages. That line of thought, even among the most hardcore, is rapidly vanishing.
I absolutely LOVE being divorced. I only felt a stigma while it was in process because the process is a huge the ass and other people worry what is going to happen. After that is over though, it must just like slaves felt like when they were finally freed. Every morning is like Christmas morning.
Almost everyone in my family has been divorced and a few of them multiple times including my father. We are good at getting them but not good at sticking it out in the long-term but we have lots of institutional knowledge and family support on how to deal it. Most people at work have been divorced as well so there is none there.
I find myself being the opposite. I am overly suspicious about people that claim they have long-term happy marriages. I am pretty sure that it can happen but it is a lot more rare than most people admit to. I tend to think that people that aren’t open about such things are either hiding something or just gave up hope completely and submitted to their fate. In my experience divorced people tend to be more wise and a whole more fun so I actively seek them out.
And so it came to pass that Moses lead his people out of Egypt and out of bondage and the people were happy and they said unto Moses, “We should commemorate this great event to celebrate the Passing of the plagues that lead to our release from slavery. What shall we call this first day of Freedom?” And Moses said unto them, “We shall call it… Christmas!.. Yeah, it’s catchy. I like it. Make a note to trademark that name.”
But the trademark process is *a huge the ass *and obviously someone dropped the ball.
According to my (Korean) wife, it’s still a pretty big stigma in Korean society. Especially among her generation. Possibly not so much in the younger generation.
There appear to be a whole bunch of social stigmas in Korean society. Divorce, adoption, husband younger than wife, being an orphan, coming from “poor familyside” and other things. According to her, Korean women interaction is almost like a card game–you play yours very close to the vest while trying to figure out all the shameful secrets other women are hiding. Shameful like having a father who is blue-collar rather than a graduate from Seoul University; or maybe your parents died in a car crash when you were young. And of course, divorce. The shame! The shame! :rolleyes:
Evidently, the entire purpose for Korean women’s groups is to “gossip” and “make trouble.”
There’s a huge difference between divorce with young kids, and divorce without kids. Get divorced when your kids are little and you’re going to see them half as much, at least. If you’re not that into them in the first place, then win-win.
People know that it’s not supposed to be, but many people’s gut reactions reveal that they still feel it should be. My husband and I became an item very soon after his divorce–I got to hear all of the rude slips of the tongue from his friends and family.
I met my current husband when he was separated from his wife and witnessed their divorce first-hand. My husband was very sensitive to the gossip issue and, since they lived in a small, family-oriented neighborhood, we avoided going out together to that neighborhood in case we were seen and people would talk.
My husband also remembered little league the year before we met, where one divorced dad brought his new young, blonde girlfriend to help coach and it was all anyone talked about. I felt bad for the mom, who attended the games… even though, when I eventually met them, the mom was so young and cute I mistook her for the girlfriend!
I know gossip is not the same as stigma, but there’s a related discomfort.
I think I have a slight involuntary cringe whenever I am about to mention to someone I have been divorced, but I don’t think I’ve ever had someone react negatively. I have a couple of good friends who have been through it, and many coworkers, so my circle doesn’t seem to include many people who would judge it harshly.
I admit I once raised my eyebrows when I came across Happy Divorce cards at my local Walgreen’s. After all, that didn’t seem like something you’d send a card for. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve sensed any stigma toward divorced people. Not having been divorced, I really couldn’t say for sure.
I don’t know how common this is but when I got divorced my circle of friends changed dramatically.
I don’t think they ostracized me. I think it was just awkward for them of having to be put in a position of having to “choose” a side. I didn’t get the cold shoulder they just stopped making an effort to call me and I stopped making an effort to call them.
Frankly, I was OK with that because it became awkward for me as well when I spent time with these friends, (Mostly couples) post divorce. I’ve spent so much time with these people with my wife by my side, it just felt weird hanging with them with out her.
Ironically, my ex tells me she doesn’t see them anymore either.
I can remember times feeling like a pariah, but in hindsight, I think that had more to do with my own insecurities than any real world ostracizing.
Yes, this happened with my husband, too. Of course, he says most of them were his ex-wife’s friends and their husbands and he just tagged along. But he was surprised and hurt that none of the husbands of their former couple-friends reached out to him when he was going through his divorce.