Sort of this. I think it was more just being tired with what seemed to be a losing battle. It was actually a comfort to me occasionally, the thought that if everything truly goes to shit and I have no money, nowhere to live, no one who really cares that much etc., there’s always the “fuck it” option. Perhaps you could say it was just the knowledge that I could control something about my life that was a comfort, or the idea that “things can only get so bad”. Or it could just be a mixture of cowardice and laziness.
I’ve thought of how to actually do it, but mostly just in the same way I think about how I would survive in a zombie pandemic or how to rob a bank. I think about weird stuff.
I would never do it, but yes I think about it. Sometimes life just drags me down so much. I have to take anti-psychotics and they have really crappy side effects. I feel drained most of the time and time itself just goes so fast and I miss so much I think why don’t I just get it over with. I would never, ever do it, but the thoughts do come. My mental health team knows though, so you guys don’t worry!
Same here. I thought as I got older my problems would get better, instead all it did was rip the coping mechanisms down and expose the raw pain. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for 50 more years until I die of old age. I’ve heard lifers in prison talk about how you can’t let yourself think that this is life for the rest of your life, if you do it’ll overwhelm you. I feel the same way.
I’m seeing a counselor, but sadly neuroscience and psychology are very embryonic sciences. It is frustrating, like having TB in the 19th century. If you get TB now, you go to a doctor and get it fixed. If you had it a hundred years ago you suffered every day for years at a time because nobody knew how to fix it. I tend to think the same thing is happening with psychology. Nowadays, you suffer daily for years and years. In 50-100 years or so, even severe emotional problems will have solutions, letting the person lead a fairly happy and free life. If you’ve been horribly abused, or have crap brain chemistry, maybe they can fix you up in a month a few decades from now. Right now, there isn’t much you can do but try to take the edge off.
I started up EMDR therapy lately, I am really hoping this works. I have a lot of issues that I want to get under control. But I am cautiously optimistic at best. I have read it is effective for those with attachment disorder and traumatic memories, but I will wait and see. If that fails, I may try finding a doc who will work with me on propranolol therapy for traumatic memories. I’ll try almost anything to get better.
But thinking about suicide isn’t always a spur of the moment thing. For many people, it is something that you have years and years to think about and weigh the pros/cons of. People want to be happy and content, but it doesn’t seem realistic and science/medicine isn’t advanced enough to help sometimes (I’ve tried SSRIs but couldn’t handle the side effects. Newer studies show them to be placebos anyway). And when you compare daily suffering for decades followed by death from accidents or old age, vs an earlier death with less pain and suffering to show for it, it is hard to convince yourself the former is more appealing.
I sometimes read stories about WW2 vets with PTSD, who finally find an effective therapy in their 70s or 80s. These (true) stories end with the vets enjoying a few years, or maybe just one year of peace, before they die. They struggle for decades, and they finally find some peace. They may only be a year or two away from death by old age, but they finally find something. The traumatic memories end and they are safe again. I hope that is me. If life expectancy doesn’t change, I should die of old age sometime in the 2060s. But I’m hoping something is done between now and then to give me some relief. As was said before. This is not living. It is existing.
Zombie or no, I’ll answer the question truthfully.
No, I don’t think it’s normal for healthy people to think about suicide all that often. I have contemplated and come very close to spontaneously killing myself on a couple of occaisions, back when I was a tortured young person over being gay and hating myself, etc. Of course, I never really planned ahead for it or wrote any letters or whatever, but I did really want to do it sometimes.
As I’ve grown older, suicidal thoughts might pop into my head when I am going through some extremely rough stuff, but I always just say, “this is a product of your depression/emotions. Don’t focus on it. Suicide is stupid.” Etc. After a brief minute or two of thinking about it, I cast it away. These moments don’t happen at all unless I’m going through something really emotionally difficult.
I do think going to a counselor is a good idea if you are having suicidal thoughts or just feeling like you want the pain to end, and suicide might be a way to do that even if you would never actually commit suicide. It helps to have someone to talk to.
Counselors and others are in a really bad spot because I think many of them realize that lots of people have fleeting thoughts of suicide when they are going through intense emotional pain or whatever, but they have to treat every mention of suicide as a big red flag, so they can’t just let it slide. And I don’t blame them. Every suicidal thought you have should be a big red flag, regardless of how common it may or may not be in other people. It may not mean anything in the long run, but it only takes a few little thoughts to manifest into an actual suicide.
I know this is a zombie thread, but I’m kinda glad that it got revived. Some of my favorite Dopers posted then and are still posting. This is a very good thing IMO.
When I was a teenager, homeless and living in my car, I thought about suicide all the time. The only reason I didn’t try was because I couldn’t think of a painless way to kill my cat first. I couldn’t afford to buy food, no way could I manage to save up enough money to have him put down. I was honestly in the planning stages then, Fred is the only reason I’m alive today. I sure do miss that cat.
After I got out of that situation and things were better, I’d still think about it at random times. By that time, I was too scared to do more than think about it because I’m a wimp. Shooting myself would hurt, driving my bike into an overpass at 90 mph would hurt, taking pills is iffy, what if I did it wrong and woke up in a coma for the rest of my life?
I used to be friends with a county coroner, and he would tell me about the bodies he’d worked on. One day, he told me about a retired Navy guy who shot himself in the head. That poor man must have been in so much pain, he used old ammo in his service revolver, pointed the gun at his forehead and pulled the trigger. The bullet bounced off his skull and traveled under his scalp to the back of his head. He did it again and the bullet bounced again and lodged under his ear. The third shot killed him.
That poor man. Physically healthy, but so much pain inside. Gets some dust in my eyes just thinking about it.
