One of the most simple and effective rewards is praise. Good behavior should be praised. Praising it, especially when it starts helps establish it as a habit. Another is granting a privilege in response to responsible behavior.
I can still remember the effusive praise that I got in toilet training and I remember the reward for not wetting myslef for a day: getting to wear big girl panties instead of cotton and plastic baby drawers. I am sure that made the process go quicker and established the habit and yet I did not require continuous rewards for using the toilet. Of course, I would have been pissed off if the privilege of big girl panties were taken away when I never wet them.
Rewarding good behavior should not be considered bribes, especially if it is explained well in advance. This is a good way to teach delayed gratification. It also helps to establish that present actions have future consequences and makes delayed punishment possible as well.
Not praising and rewarding can also be disheartening. Somehow as I grew up my mother decided that praising me was not something she would do. I turned in a report card of all A’s and A+'s and what is more, no negative comments, and she responded, “that’s fine.” I thought I had done something extraordinary and not having that acknowledged hurt. I remember not expecting any solid reward, but I did expect to make an impression.
To this day, I do not share my joys or accomplishments with my mother. She was the last person I told I was pregnant for the first time at 33.
I think your system overall sounds like a good one - please do let us know how it works out for your family. I disagree with the idea that some (not you) have expressed that good behavior is the default, and you punish poor behavior. This leads to a very negative approach, where nothing ever seems right. Since no one is ever perfect, you would always be being punished for something, but never rewarded. (Come to think of it, that seems like a job assignment I had once, long ago…) I much prefer to think of the default as “no behavior”, or “neutral behavior”, and you can have good behavior that’s better than that, and bad behavior that’s worse than the standard.
It’s also worth remembering that one thing most (all?) children seem to want is attention. With no way to receive positive attention (ie, a reward), then every instance of poor behavior is at the same time punished (with consequences) and rewarded (with attention), which sends mixed messages.
Also, let me state my opinion that “rewards” are a completely different animal than “bribes”. Most times that I’ve heard the terms used with respect to children, the word bribe describes something given in advance, in the hopes that the child will behave correctly later. A reward is something given in hindsight, in recognition of behavior that actually has occurred. Rewards are (in my experience) effective, while bribes are not. One function of the reward is to draw the child’s attention to behavior that you like, and demonstrate that you 1) noticed it, and 2) value it. This serves as a learning exercise.
Just my opinion - I’m not a child expert or anything, only a parent of one teenaged boy.
This site has a good definition of how bribes and rewards differ. A bribe is given in the midst of bad behavior to stop that behavior. It may stop the current misbehavior, but reinforces bad behavior, making it more likely to happen again.
A reward is given to reinforce good behavior, best used when contracted for in advance.
Well, of course I praise good behavior, I just don’t reward it in the sense of giving material objects.
And yes, I believe that good behavior is the default, it SHOULD be the default…at least in parents that give their children plenty of attention. If you aren’t praising them for good, polite behavior and acting poorly is the only way they can get your attention, then you’re just reinforcing the wrong behavior.
Certainly I wasn’t thinking of ‘reward’ in the exclusive sense of tangible objects; maybe a game, or an extra half hour bedtime extension (on a non-school night)…