I know, I know, if ya have to ask, the general rule of thumb is “it’s offensive”. Indulge me if you will…
This was said by me, to a girl in a group of three. (2 Black, 1 white) Standing with me is another white guy.
Me: Hey Jane, what’s that you got there? [She was holding a box in her arms.]
Jane: A box of chocolates. Do you want one? Are you a chocolate lover Shakes?
Me: Yes of course! I love anything sweet and brown. [I then give her a knowing wink]
[Jane and the other two girls in the group laugh. They also assure me of my dorkiness.]
Jane and the other girls walk off. My friend that was with me just sort of raises his eyebrows as he gives me a wincing look. He then does an about face and goes along his way.
So whaddya say? Out of line? Funny? Or just plain dorky?
If it makes a difference, me and said girl flirt all the time. (Although we never actually mean anything by it. We messing with each other.)
“…the times they are a changing, and you’d better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone…”
If this was at work, I think you’re on the ragged fringes of a tad inappropriate. You’re not in a bar making banter, after all.
Not a capital crime, and many would just shrug it off, I’m sure. (And the uncomfortable feeling that you’re a bit of a dinosaur!) But the reactions should tell you something.
Maybe it’s just me, of course. But I’d have winced and turned and walked away too!
Strikes me as a bit inappropriate – just a teensy bit objectifying: “anything sweet and brown”. But it all depends on the audience. Not a big deal, but I try to avoid making jokes that are even just a bit inappropriate unless I’m very familiar with the audience and their predilections.
I tried writing this out several ways with different races and have come to the conclusion that it would be heavy flirting that would be awkward to witness no matter the race.
It sounds to me like she was deliberately setting up the joke, or one very much like it. Now, I’m getting her tone thirdhand, so misinterpretation is quite possible, but if that is the correct interpretation, then it obviously wasn’t offensive to her.
Sometimes it’s funny. Like when I don’t have a million other things on my mind and I’m not feeling particularly self-conscious. But sometimes it’s annoying. But it may be because this coworker isn’t attractive to me at all. Maybe if he was, it would always be funny.
The thing you’ve got to look out for isn’t the coworker you joke around with like this. It’s the coworker who overhears you, who doesn’t understand your jocular nature or the dynamics between you and the other coworker. Or even the coworker who is jealous she’s not getting similar treatment. Or the male coworker who got in trouble with HR for doing the same thing and resents the fact that you’re getting away with it. Any of these folks could file a complaint against you. So I would tread cautiously.
This is all very sound and sage advice. Which is why I left out this was at work part. Still though, I’ve been at this job for over 20 years and nobody has ever gotten into trouble over this. Everyone here seems to have a pretty good gauge on who’s cool with this sort of banter and who is not.
I’m not trying to justify our behavior because I do know none of us should be doing it.
I was asking about the flirtation itself because I was trying to guage if that flirt worked because we knew each other and had a history of flirting? Or would that flirt would have worked if I pulled that on some girl I didn’t know as well in a bar or something?
Even taking as a given that this is an acceptable exchange between you two principals, there’s still a huge risk of a 3rd party overhearing it and taking offense.
I wouldn’t pull that line on some random person, no. For every woman that wouldn’t mind being likened to chocolate, there’s another woman who doesn’t want yet another reminder that her skin color is the first thing a guy notices. Not everyone is into being fetishized, and a joke like that borders on that.
If I assume that the circumstance and the intonation described by Shakes are accurate, it’s hard for me to imagine that it wasn’t a joke set-up. But no, not every black person who offers a non-black person chocolate is going for a joke.
I kinda got the impression she was setting me up. That’s why I italicized the word “chocolate” in my OP, because that’s the way she said it. She put an emphasis on the word “chocolate”. (Actually she did it both times even though I only italicized it once.)
At work, I would err on the side of only saying things you wouldn’t mind being heard by everyone. If you have to look around and see who is cool with it, there’s already something illicit about it, no matter how you mean it.
If you know the woman well, and if she was clearly setting up the joke, there’s probably no harm in it. This is, however, one of those social situations where it’s generally far better to NOT say what you’re thinking.
I’m a white guy, and i would never make a joke like that about racial sexuality to a black woman unless i knew her REALLY well, and unless she had made clear, over an extended period, that we were close enough for such banter to be acceptable to her.
That’s a general rule i observe with any sort of sexual humor anyway, no matter what the race, but it’s even more fraught when race and sex are combined in the same joke, especially given the history of white assumptions about black women’s sexuality and sexual availability in the United States.
