I guess I’m in the minority, the only thing that would bother me would be the request to bring wine when we were already bringing dessert. Bringing the board games wouldn’t bug me, I’d think “Great, I get to pick the games!” And I’ve served frozen lasagna before at a party, so that wouldn’t register either. Costco food generally gets good reviews, IME, I’d rather have a Costco lasagna than fast food, pizza, or some non-chef’s attempt at cooking (and I count myself as a non-chef)
But yes, the wine request would strike me as rude, but I would probably just buy one bottle of two buck chuck, assume the other couples would also bring wine if they actually wanted to drink any, and then just go to the party and be happy I didn’t have to clean up my own place. Or say “Okay we’ll do wine instead of dessert.” Or, if we did bring both dessert and wine, I would also have no problem with saying something like “Oh it’s 8 now? Okay just to let you know Boyfriend only planned dessert for 4, so we’ll all just have to share!”
The question here really isn’t is she being rude, it’s whether she’s out of line enough for me to say something. You simply don’t invite others to your home and then expect them to bring their own drink, dessert, and entertainment. Maybe if you’re in college and haven’t yet learned proper social skills, but not as a mature adult.
It would bother me personally because I’m shy, and I don’t like hanging out with a bunch of people I don’t know. The first couple would be bad enough, but tolerable. Adding in two more couples full of people I don’t know? And I have to bring everything for all these people I don’t know? Yikes! But that’s just me- it would make me very uncomfortable.
and it’s not only our own food and drink, it’s food and drink for the whole party, which has now doubled. It’s unquestionably rude, intentionally or not.
I did that with the wine, and she responded that if we want soda to bring it ourselves. I’m pretty sure the soda can be found right next to the frozen lasanges at Costco… :rolleyes:
Yeah, that’s another aspect of it. I’m shy with new people, but one other couple would’ve been fine. 2 other couples I don’t know (actually 2 and a half since I’ve never met friend’s husband) will likely result in a bit of social anxiety on my part.
Well, having the party at her place does place some burden on her- cleaning, mostly. So I can easily envisage an arrangement where the guests bring food and wine, and the host is providing the party space. (I’m viewing games sort of as a communal resource, because although you’ve laid out money to purchase these in the past, bringing them to the party doesn’t cost you a dime. Should the group pick any new games to play at future gatherings, other people should buy them.)
That said, she doesn’t seem to be planning to reciprocate when the party’s at your house next time. Why are these other guests not bringing anything?
I have no idea. And just to be clear, this isn’t a joint venture. We are not joint hosts. This isn’t about an equitable or inequitable distribution of labor, this is about a guest being responsible for most of the party.
We didn’t come up with game night together. She specifically said to me “hey we should do a regular game night!” To which I responded “yeah, that’d be fun!” Then, a few months later her saying “let’s do the first game night next Saturday at my house!” and me responding “cool, I’ll host the next one!”
I was actually okay, albiet a little annoyed, up until the soda thing. The fact that we’re bringing the majority of the stuff and yet she can’t even be bothered to provide soda for us is what pissed me off.
Yeah, but she never expected you to bring the desserts. You offered, remember? I’m sure if you decided not to bring them, she wouldn’t care one bit. So it’s silly to act like this is putting you out. If you don’t want to bring them, don’t bring them!
You can interpret her actions how you want and get as righteous and indigent as you like. But in the end how much something puts you out is entirely up to you. You are the one who is choosing to be annoyed and angry rather than choosing to scale back your expectations.
“Saying something” to her, like your snarky text message, is going to have exactly no effect. She doesn’t owe it to you to act in any particular way, and she’s not going to be moved when you try to punish her for not acting how you think she should act.
Spare me the condescending life lessons. We clearly have differing opinions on most things; your way of thinking and living are no better than mine or anyone elses. I’m really starting to get tired of you breezing into threads and dismissively telling people how they should react to things and how immature and childish everyones feelings are. Just because someone reacts to something differently than you would doesn’t mean their reaction is “silly” or in any way inferior to what yours would be in that situation. You’re still a college kid, right? Get over yourself.
And yes I offered to bring dessert. She also followed up to confirm that I will, in fact, be bringing dessert for double the amount of people originally anticipated.
I wouldn’t host it - you don’t know these other couples, and it could turn out to be a miserable evening that you can’t excuse yourself from. Bring strong mixed drinks for yourselves in large travel mugs. If you feel like providing good desserts for all, go ahead, but I’d be tempted to just buy something at the store like some Oreos or a supermarket cake.
What I don’t like about this whole thing is that she’s sort of foisting this upon you at the last minute. Like, “oh, by the way, I just thought of this other thing you could do for me…” It’s terribly unorganized, and while she might not be intentionally using you, she’s pretty clueless. If you’re going to have a gathering where guests bring their own stuff, you have to make it clear, from the beginning, that that’s what it’s gonna be. And you can’t expect only ONE guest to bring stuff.
I would do what MoonIndigo1 suggested. Go along with it now, but don’t do it again.
Sheesh. I agree with **Sugar and Spice and even sven. Your colleague is either fairly rude or a little clueless, but you were free to say no, politely, to the changing terms of the engagement at any time. Go to her party, bring whatever you want, try to have fun, try not to be bitter. (And I’m not a college kid with life issues, so my opinion matters).
Ignore even. By his logic, it’d be kosher for me to ask you if you can cover my bill at dinner, then go and order the most expensive shit on the menu, shit that I wouldn’t normally order. She’s taking advantage of you, you know that and (most of) the people in this thread know that. It all depends how you’re willing to handle it.
If she didn’t constantly “share” her hard won “wisdom” with SDMB, what else would she fill her solitary nights and ample free time with—By her own admission, she dosent get along with the vast majority of theose she interacts with, why would her advice on friendship be even worth considering???
As to your so called friend’s party, I would lay it on the line and tell her that a host’s job is not delegating which “guest” will supply what party essential. You need to let people like this know that there are those out there who refuse to kowtow (for our oh so sophisticated international Dopers out there) to social defectives…
While it’s true she was free to say no, I can understand why she wouldn’t. I’m a wuss with things like that and since offers were already made, I’d feel obligated to come through.
BUT next time it comes up, I’d say no from the start. If she asks, explain why.
I would say that she’s, to be polite, a cheapskate.
This said, in regards to the wine, when the other couple was invited I would have said something along the lines of: hey, perfect! We can split it up so it’s easy on everyone: we can bring the snacks and they can bring the wine or vice versa?
she’s oblivious and cheap, you’re playing up the passive-aggressive overly butthurt trope just a bit too much, and I would expect the other guests to show up with something.
it’s a crappy situation, but it’s only really notable if you fall for it more than once.
I don’t think this is poor communication as previously suggested, but I don’t know if she’s entirely a bitch so much as socially clueless. Maybe she thinks because it’s at her house and she’ll have setup/cleanup that others should contribute like a potluck. She could be asking the others to bring drinks, salad, bread, etc. She could also be a selfish asshole, so there’s that.
Personally I wouldn’t suggest having it at my house as previously suggested because it sounds like you will only know the original couple so you’d basically have a party at your house with a bunch of strangers. Then again, I’m picky about who I invite to my home, so obviously YMMV.
I agree with this:
Yeah, some people will say it’s beyond rude to bow out now but the get-together is so far removed from what you agreed to I think you’re off the hook on social etiquette.