Thanks silenus. I guess either way would have been ok. Maybe in this situation it’s not the accepting or declining of the money that’s important, but the manner in which you do it?
Yep. If it happens again, you’ll know what to do. 
The way my NCOs taught me when I was in the service, “by the book” I was not to accept gratuity ever for doing my duty (even unassigned duty), but “in the field” I was to evaluate the situation and use common sense.
Bear_Nenno, you did what your heart and sense of duty told you was right. “Inner leadership”, they call it. Worthy of admiration.
Bear, it sounds like you were quite graceful about turning down the tip, and your line about it being your honor to do it probably made the lady feel even better about your ceremony. I thought from your OP that it was someone else involved; I didn’t realize that it hit quite so close to home for you. It does not sound at all like you were arguing with a widow or hurting her feelings now that you elaborate.
Accept or decline the tip; either way should be conducted with grace, and it sounds like you’ve got that down pat. She’ll probably remember your kindness. We aren’t always given the time to think things like this out in advance, but your instinctual reaction was kind of classy.
Bear_Nenno, next time you are in Orlandoish, I am taking you out to dinner.
Seems to me you handled it quite well, Bear. It’s difficult to know what to do in those situations.
Even though I am in a Real Estate related field, I encounter this occasionally myself (not to compare the emotions involved with a funeral…not even close to the same thing!). It is actually illegal for me to accept tips, but sometimes people try…and I have to attempt to gracefully decline while still showing that I appreciate the gesture.
Some people can be quite insistent. I know they mean well and sincerely want to show their appreciation. Most people don’t know that it is illegal to tip me, and it can be difficult to decline without directly pointing that out and embarrassing them in front of the other 6 or so people at the closing table.
Again, I think you handled your situation very well.
Awwww… Now that I can accept! 
In fact, I do plan to be in Orlando next Thursday-Friday for Halloween Horror Nights. If you’re interested, I’d be glad to meet another Doper for dinner. And maybe we could grab RNATB and skyclad and have a mini Halloween Dope dinner. shoot me an email if Thursday is convenient for you.
bear.nenno[AT]us.army.mil
[AT] = @ obviously darned spambots.
Holy Crap. I’m putting myself on smiley restriction after that last post. Man…
Hmmm what about if it wasn’t money?
My Uncle was an officer in the Irish Air Corp. When he died he has six air corp. pall bearers and a military motorbike escort.
After the funeral we all went back to a local club for food and drinks. The pall bearers came and the bar was told that they could run up a tab which would be looked after by the family. 6 guys drank and ate very well that night. I think they left at about 3am(just as the sing-song started 
)
I would say that this way of going about things is the norm here with regards to this type of situation.
I would say it was not rude to refuse the tip in the way you did, particularly since you had ethical qualms regarding acceptable gratuities. I would say you would also definitely be in the clear had you accepted the tip and then later donated it to a charity.
As for accepting the tip for yourself, it would really come down to your own ethics about it, provided there was no explicit rule. Accepting a reasonable tip would not have struck me as being particularly unethical.
This may be a “me too” post, but I want to say I think you handled this situation really gracefully. It might not have been unethical to take her money when she pressed it on you, but the way you declined (saying it was an honor for you strikes just exactly the right note to me) was extremely gracious. If I were that widow, I’d remember you even more warmly for that. Nice work all the way around.
It was a tip.
Tips should not be solicited. But they should be gratefully accepted when offered.
IMO, to do otherwise would be rude.
You handled that situation just perfectly, Bear, no doubt about that.
The next time may not be so smooth, though, and I recommend two things:
First of all, talk to your 1st Sergeant about what happened and ask for guidance. Should the official word come down as “accept if the tipper is insistent” take note of the widow/widower’s name. Donate the money to AER and, a month or two after the funeral, send a letter stating that you’ve donated the tip to a fund that assists military members and their families. You’ll look good, the Army will look good, and points will be scored all the way around.
I have a little experience with this, but in my case the rules are clear: All Red Cross disaster assistance is free. Sometimes a grateful client or otherwise unaffected citizen will offer us money on the spot and we react like the client is about to infect us with Ebola. We instead tell the client to mail the donation directly to the Red Cross, and sometimes in large disasters pre-addressed envelopes are readily available. Perhaps you could grab a business card from the base AER and keep it in your glove for such occasions.
I may be alone in this but I don’t think a tip should be excepted in this case ever. We get paid twice a month and thats it. Even if the DOD puts the cap at $20 I would never accept a tip for doing my duty. If any of my troops did it I would have their ass. Bear you handled the situation perfectly.
I just thought of something Bear. I often talk to one of our SJA guys. If I see him I’ll try and remember to ask and get it from the horses mouth. Unfortunately he may still be in that Yankees induced coma. I’ll let you know.
I just want to chime in and say that as a citizen, I, too, am very proud to have you representing me. Way to go, Soldier!
Also, as a graduate student in seminary, I feel somewhat qualified to add that your description of the way you responded to the feeling of temptation is truely the mark of an ethically mature person. Would that my own moral instincts were as sound!
silenus, let me second your view here.
Bear_Nenno, what you did was perfectly right. I don’t see any reason to object to you having taken the money - it was a spontaneously offered gratuity, but your response was all I could ask for. Thank you.
I think you did right. I think you could perhaps come up with an alternate and acceptable way to accept the money. Tell the person that you will donate the money in their loved one’s name to some charity you favor.
I’d have to say, though, I’m astonished that this question isn’t addressed in some portion of your training. It would seem to me that as a government employee you should not accept gratuities for performing your normal duties, but I did see the earlier post about a $20 cutoff. So I don’t know. About the only ethical issue that ever faced me as a government-paid media technician at privately sponsored events was not to snarf up the catered food without a specific invitation from the hosts. No one ever offered me a tip, nor would I have accepted one.
And I’d also suggest that you ask this question up the chain of command, unless you plan to keep refusing the tips, which is a perfectly acceptable option IMO. If you or your buddies accept tips, and that info suddenly becomes known to some inspector-type, you might find yourselves in legal hot water.
I read through the whole thread and was about to suggest this. Something non-controversial like the VFW
I would refuse once, politely.
If she insisted, I would accept it graciously.
If it bothered me after that, I would give the money to the Red Cross or the Boy Scouts or some other worthwhile charity.