Personally I always thought the answer to this was OF COURSE! But this conversation got started with some friends of mine the other day and their does seem to be some opposition to this. (mostly from the females that were in the group of friends that I was talking with)
Anyway I’m of the opinion that sex is a good thing and why waste your life with some one whos gonna deprive you of that? Lifes too short so don’t waste it are my thoughts.
Now I will say that if your in a commited relationship and the other half somehow disfigures him/herself where they are unable to have sex, then thats an entirely different story.
I’m more or less speaking of people who withhold sex as a weapon to get what they want out of their other half.
“sex isn’t important enough to end a relationship because of a lack of it.”
Maybe not to you. To others it would be. In some cultures I believe it’s grounds for divorce, and that it was in Western culture until recently. in fact I’m sure it still is in some parts, but I haven’t got the time to search. sorry.
I think that withholding could be grounds for a divorce; There must be a reason why the partner is withholding. The sex itself isn’t the main issue in my opinion, the main issue is the underlying cause of why it’s being withheld.
This is an important qualifier. As I recall reading (I don’t have a cite), the single most common sexual problem in marriages is when sex drives are not quite in sync–i.e., one partner’s libido is greater than the other’s. If you think about this, this is apt to be true to at least some extent for virtually any two people you could put together.
The point being, be careful how you categorize “withholding sex.” I would guess that in the vast majority of cases, the “ulterior motive” is simply that the other partner simply isn’t interested at the moment (again, not that this is not an issue unto itself). I would further add that the border around “not in the mood” is kind of a blurry one. One man’s “you’re withholding sex to spite me” is another woman’s “if you weren’t being such a prick, maybe I’d be in the mood.”
That being said, clearly it would be a better world if all women had sex with their partners whenever said partners so desired.
Relationhips are always at will: any relationship in which one partner has the mindset “Gee, I’d love to be free, but the reason I want to leave isn’t good enough” is not a relationship that is going to last. If my SO were horribly injured and could no longer have sex, I’d stay with him not because I was obliged to, but because I’d want to.
In my experience, successful relationships are ones in which both partners could walk away, and choose every day not to. In order for that to be true, partners can’t be dependent on each other for anything as basic as sexual gratification. To put it crudely, I think it is better for a relationship all around if both partners can satisfy themselves in a pinch: this element of “Oh, I just gotta have this thing that only you can do, without this thing there is no way I can be happy” (be that thing blow jobs, apple pie, or a six-figure income) is destructive, becasue it means people are staying together becasue they have to, not because they want to. Celibacy really isn’t that big of a deal–lots of people are (involuntarily) celibate for years and they don’t die from it. The “sex is something I have to have” mindset is learned and can be unlearned, and can make you feel trapped in a relationship and vunerable to manipulation.
Passive agressive techniques like withholding sex out of spite are always grounds for ending a relationship: on the other hand, I’ve seen many cases where one partner thought the other partner was withholding sex out of spite, when in fact their partner was not having sex simply becasue they were too angry to see their partner in a sexual way–it wasn’t “Oh, I’ll show them”, it was “God, I want to kill them, I wish they would just GO AWAY!”
Using sex as a weapon is only one head-game in a huge arsenal of head-games. One of the reasons I married, and am still happily married to, my hubby, is he never, ever plays head-games! It’s not the way our relationship works. Sometimes, one of us is in the mood, and the other isn’t, and whoever isn’t will say “sorry, just don’t feel like it right now”, or sometimes the one who isn’t will “take care” of the one who is, cuz that’s something that people in mature, committed relationships do for each other. Sometimes, in the course of “taking care”, the mood will come upon us, and we’ll finish in fine style.
Sex isn’t THE most important aspect of our marriage, but it sure helps that we’re compatible on this!
It’s called Constructive Abandonment. The first Google search for “constructive abandonment” turned up several pages, the first two were all about New York. I didn’t care to search further, so at least in New York it is grounds for divorce.
Well, is demanding sex all the time from a partner with a lower
sex drive, who is tired from taking care of children, or just not feeling sexy, or depressed, grounds for divorce from the person from whom sex is being demanded.
Sometimes my husband is in the mood and I’m not. I’m not manipulating him. I’m tired. Or sick. Or not feeling sexy. And sometimes I’m mad at him and not really interested in kissing and making up at the moment. As Manda Jo pointed out, there is a difference between manipulation (withholding sex in the hopes of getting your way) and being so mad at someone you really don’t care to be in the same room with them, much less be intimate. The problem is, from the other end, they probably look a lot like the same thing.
Sometimes I’m in the mood and he is not, for the same reasons.
Now, if this disconnect were to continue for weeks, there’d be a problem. But I get to say no. And he gets to say no. Marriage is not a contract for sex on demand. “Bring me a beer and give me a blowjob, bitch.”
(Actually, it depends on the laws in your jurisdiction, for they are not the same everywhere. In Ontario, Canada, simple no-fault separation for a one year period is sufficient grounds for divorce.)
A famous movie star couple that split up a couple of years ago used ‘Constructive Abandonment’ as the reason. I can’t remember who it was now. I’m thinking it might have been Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, or maybe Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
In Texas we have “no-fault” divorces, making the grounds thing pretty much unnecessary unless you want to secure some advantage in property division or child custody. You can pretty much get divorced if your spouse looks at you funny (well, there has to be no “reasonable expectation of reconciliation”, but it rarely comes up).
Sex is not trivial. It’s like Manda Jo said, and I’m looking for an apt snippet from her post to quote here, but it’s all so good I can’t decide which part to include. You need to write a book about relationships, Manda Jo. I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass either.
Most other U.S. states also allow for no-fault divorces or “dissolutions” these days. And you’re right, once the state allows a “no-fault” divorce, or a divorce on the grounds of “irreconcilable differences”, then all the other “grounds” that used to be so important in the past become nothing more than historical academic curiosities.
I believe the question the OP was asking was whether withhlding sex was a valid moral justification for leaving ones significant other, not whether it is (or should be) legal grounds for divorce.
Of course withholding sex might not be the reason in and of itself for divorces. It shows a great deal of immaturity when used as a manipulation technique and there are many consequences.
Withhold sex too much and your partner may begin to look elsewhere. Then you will really have grounds for divorce.
Of course I agree that it is not always clear when your SO is withholding sex for spite, most times they are not. Doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be sensistive to how your SO might perceive it though.
stpauler: I don’t have a cite, but it’s obvious that sex is not something that people have to have, which I believe is all that Mando Jo is suggesting. Hospitals are not full of people dying from sex deprivation, after all. I would think it’s hardwired into most people as something they desire, but have to have? I don’t think so.
