In this MPSIMS thread, SuperLorie is thrilled she is getting amazing sex with a great guy she met, and she is “getting a divorce”. I take that to mean it is currently underway, and she and the soon-to-be-ex are seperated and all. A few folks had piped up about some moral issues, but that thread is more a “Yay for ME” thread, and the discussion should go elsewhere.
The question is this:
From a moral perspective, at what point in a failing/failed marriage, headed for divorce, is it “acceptable” to have extramarital sex?
From a legal perspective, during the divorce proceedings, is the fact that one party is having extramarital sex make the case for the other party stronger? Can this public knowledge be used against them in the divorce to show fault?
Personally, when I was getting a divorce, I did not date or screw anything until after the judge banged the gavel. Partly because I did not trust the ex to NOT pull something to turn the divorce from uncontested to MY FAULT, and partly because I made a promise and I was going to keep it. I respect marriage, and I could wait until I was available again.
Let’s try to keep civil here, and talk about your own morals and your own experiences. I for one am very happy for SuperLorie, I just would not have done it.
I’ve never been married, but I would say once you know its over, you are free to do the whatever the hell you please. The paperwork seems to be a formality. I also don’t suscribe to the notion that it should strengthen the opposing side’s case, its after the fact.
From a strong christian perspective, I guess it would be totally immoral and unacceptable, because you are not married to the person you are sleeping with, AND you are married to someone else.
From a conservative catholic position, it would always be completely immoral and unacceptable to sleep with someone other than your spouse, unless they actually died, as divorce is not accepted.
From a social-moral perspective, I would say it was fine as long as you both knew the situation and were aware of the divorce proceedings (ie your husband isn’t still “in the dark” thinking you’re happily married when you’re shagging the window cleaner and busy seeing divorce lawyers), there was openness and honesty with any kids involved, and you were doing your best to cause as little hurt as possible. And it would also only be socially-morally fine if the other person was “free” too.
Mitigating circumstances in my moral perspective would be if you had already been cheated on - in which case, fair game - or if the relationship was abusive or violent, in which case IMO the vows of marriage have been broken.
I don’t know about the legal aspects, so I won’t comment on that.
However, as for the moral side…(anectdotal perspective to follow)
I say once the words “I want a divorce” have been said it’s pretty silly to go through the motions of honoring vows. My husband ran off when our son was three months old. I told him at the time that if he did this he would not be welcome back. He left anyway. I went inside, took off my wedding band, and divorced him in my heart at that moment.
He tried to come back but I sent him on his way and he was in prison within the month. The divorce was pushed back, by mutual agreement, until he is released.
But no way was I going to put my life on hold for a year. I know timing, and grieving periods, and acceptable intervals are different for everyone, but in my case I went out and did a little “oat-sowing” after he’d been gone about two months. I became involved with someone romantically after he’d been gone for nearly five months and I’d been “divorced” emotionally for six. For me the judge banging his gavel will simply be a formality—the important part–the inner decision–was what really mattered.
Personally, once a couple separates, and are living in different households, and it’s well established that there is no hope for reconciliation, what you do with your own time is your business. The only exception to this, I believe, would be if cheating is part of the reasoning for the divorce, in the first place. It may not be fun, but if it’s present, you don’t want to do anything to strengthen the other parties argument, or, if it was the other party who cheated, then you don’t want to do anything that might weaken your argument.
I know that a good number of divorces are quite volatle(sp? it’s too early for me to check), and giving the other party anything to latch onto, and try and milk is probably not a good idea. In that case, the person should decide whether or not it’s worth it, and either abstain, or, be incredibly descrete in their actions. While no divorce is pleasant, not all of them are hostile, and if you find yourself in that situation, and know for a fact that it would not cause the other person to try and use it against you, then if you want to, by all means, go for it. In that case, I would still advise being as descrete as possible, however. Especially if children are involved.
At the beginning of my divorce, any extra-marital sex was strictly on the down-low. But since the whole ordeal dragged out for a year and a half, we both eventually became more open about our other relationships. Just kinda happened that way. In the end, the fact that we were still married was just a matter of unfinished paperwork.
Had she been a complete psycho-stormtrooper from hell bent on destroying everything that was me, I would have kept everything secret until the papers were signed. Thankfully, she was only a partial psycho for a couple of months!
So morally, I don’t see a problem with it. If it’s over, it’s over.
If you’re a religious person & believe God will smite you for even getting the divorce, then you’re pretty screwed anyway.
As a matter of CYA, however, some people just have to be a little more careful.
Until the divorce if final (30 days after the judge signs the final Divorce Decree in VA I believe), you are still married and exta-marital sex (infidelity) can be used against you in court if it can be proven and if the other side wants to make an issue of it.
As to the morality of it, I don’t make moral decisions for other people. You have to live with yourself. Personally, I had sex during my separation and never thought that much about it.
Once my Husband said I want a divorce, I too, like Belladonna(Love the nickname btw ;)) was through. I refuse to play that “Oh I am mad at you for the moment so I want a divorce game” I currently have a boyfriend but I doubt we will be having sex anytime before I get divorced, but if it happens YAY for me LOL
When my wife left me, I honored my vows to the end too. I made a promise in front of God and my friends and family. I wasn’t going to go back on them. She on the other hand went out and slept around. I imagine she was doing that before she left me, but that was her decision. She was never known for truth-telling anyway, so why would her breaking a vow come as any surprise? Besides which, if any trouble came up during the proceedings, her promiscuity and my celebacy could supply some possible leverage.
Of course, I haven’t had much nookie since then either, but whatever
Yes, I am a Christian so YMMV; I’m not here to preach to you or condemn anyone for your morals. Just don’t ridicule me for mine.
IANAL but I do work in a law firm, so I hopped on down to a divorce attorney and his answer was that it varies from state to state so consult an attorney if your in this situation.
FWIW He’s how I handled the situation:
We’d been seperated for a year and he was indesisive as to a reconsiliation, so I told him, “If I wake up alone on my Birthday you may as well go ahead and call your Lawyer because I am going out to get drunk and laid.” At that point I knew what we had was way over because he had already shacked up with his MotelHo. Well, as you can probly guess, I woke up alone, but I din’t get drunk, nor laid untill the next night anyhow (HaHa)
I suppose I did it just to prove to myself I was still a worthwhile, loveable person. It helped it was with a man who’d I known for many years and kept from hanging around while married because of the attraction. I’m sure the soon-to-be-Ex knew, but at that point it didn’t matter.
The vow was for ** BOTH** of us to keep. He broke it long before I did, and I cannot futher damage a vow that had previously been sundered. It was already broken long before I had sex with someone other than my Husband.
He had ceased being my husband the day he walked out and stopped doing the duties of a husband (stop right now before you think I’m talking religion here, just living as a married couple) the same as I ceased being a wife, as I had no husband to be a wife to.
Had I though for one moment a reconsiliation was possible, I would not have done so. As I would have been a wife in action as well as legal status.
My experience is that once the wheels have started turning, it’s open season. A good thing, in my case, otherwise I’d still be a virgin as I approach my 40th birthday.
Basically, it was the classic rebound relationship – she was a friend & coworker, and she started pursuing me shortly after she threw her hubby out. We were both in college at the time, and she graduated & moved out of state shortly after the divorce was final; we had almost a year together.
In the intervening 16 years, I’ve had a few (in the literal sense, and all in the distant past) dates, but nothing that would qualify as a relationship. For whatever reasons, women don’t really see me “that way”, and I’ve never had the slightest success approaching women (remember, the x-gf approached me), so my love live has been entirely theoretical over the last decade or so.
**Max **has been here longer than you, and he seems to be doing just fine.
My gut feeling is that you if make this most important promise, you should make a very strong effort to keep it. If I were divorced I honestly think I would not have sex again until the proceedings were final. However, if the marriage has suffered an irredeemable breakdown and it’s all over but the formalities, I would understand why some would not want to wait to try again for romantic happiness.
WV_Woman, this is an official notice. Despite what you may have thought, people here were, for the most part, willing to engage you in reasonable and rational discussion. You’ve refused to do so. We are not going to allow you to use every thread that might mention Christianity as a springboard for your perceived martyrdom. Do this again and we’ll be reconsidering your posting priveldges.
This is where I do switch over to hard-core moralist mode and say that sex is not acceptable until after the divorce is over. I once turned down a friend who made a pass at me because he was only separated, among other reasons [long, ugly story omitted]. I’ve been celibate for years at a time, and there are worse fates. Besides, naive soul that I am, I insist on believing some things are worth waiting for.
By the way, WV_Woman, I’m more open about my Christianity here than I am anywhere else other than my church (something about those GD threads I can’t resist), and I have never been ridiculed for my Christianity. If anything, I’ve been complimented because of it. Then again, mileage does vary.
