Extramarital Sex before Divorce? When?

In My Humble Opinion
21

my partner and i were dating while his divorce was in the works. and yes we had plenty of sex. from the time he offically filed for divorce… to the time the papers came back stamped signed and approved was 2 years. divorce is not a quick process in the UK.

i guess alot of moral issues could arise from the idea that until the papers are approved then they can always change their minds.

in my case that really wasnt likely. hed moved 30 thousand miles to the other side of the globe, and cut off almost all contact with his ex-wife, thats about as final as you can get without the piece of paper.

22

Well, my dad started banging his GF shortly after he left Mom…the same night for all I know. All it idd was hurt mom and make the whole thing thta much worse. Forget higher moral purposes. Forget the law of the land. I think it falls under basic human decency and the rule we all live by here, don’t be a jerk. There was no reason for him to disrespect mom like that—or the rest of my family for that mattre.

23

Well technicaly speaking; I have a wife and a girlfriend. My “wife” also has a boyfriend. Yeah, buddy welcome to the new millinneum! [divorce pending of course] I still think of myself as moral. I guess thats all that really matters.

24

Simple manners:
You MUST explain your exact legal status to your prospective partner.
You may date as soon as the papers are filed.
You may have sex between the divorce being granted and the final decree.
You may also have very, very, very discrete (again, for manners, not for legal reasons) sex six months after the papers have been filed, and the spouse has filed or agreed to a non-contested.

If the marriage is over, the vows are over.
But if the marriage is over, why haven’t you filed for divorce?

I do admire the standards of those who wait for the final gavel, but I did not wait the extra six months for the final decree (it wasn’t my marriage that ended; does that make a difference?)

25

I had every intention of holding fast to my belief that one shouldn’t be out there dating until all the paperwork is signed, even though my husband left me for a woman he’d been having an affair with for two years. My kids were very hurt by his behavior…he didn’t leave just me, after all, he left them too. But after nearly a year of separation, with him living with her, and offering me pity sex because he was afraid I wouldn’t get any ever again, he tells me that he’s not planning on starting the divorce proceedings any time soon.

So there I am, in limbo, too poor to get a lawyer, faced with an uncertain future of being married but not married, and for who knows how long (ex’s sister waited 7 years to get divorced, and I was afraid it was a family pattern). At the urging of my children, who really have been very supportive, I call an old friend, back in town after a divorce and his dad’s death, to get together and go to movies and dinner and class reunion. See the above referenced thread for how that turned out. Now my kids only know that we’re friends, and that we go out to eat occasionally, so don’t freak out on me.

At the same time as starting to see this friend, my husband tells me we must be divorced by the end of the year (she was pressuring him…didn’t much like his “we’ll get divorced in a couple of years” plan. Within 8 weeks the marriage is dissolved…he somehow found the money to pay my lawyer, who was a friend from my church who gave me a good deal.

The relationship with rebound guy predictably fades away before the dssolution, and sensibly, and my husband never knew that we were more than friends. This is no time to be starting a serious new relationship, and we both had been unhappy with the “not legally divorced yet” aspect, being church-going folk. But when I look back at everything that went on during that time of separation and divorce…the fighting, the counseling for me and the kids, the anger and hurt and sorting out of sixteen years of cheating (his) and alcoholism (his) and stuff, the support of my church and friends… the part that gave me the most healing was the time I spent with Rebound Guy, talking and loving and even finding out where all the ouchie spots were when we parted.

So I’ve been alone since then (7 years now) and while I regret bending my vows there at the end, at least I wasn’t out partying and dating up a storm before the screen door had finished slamming when hubby walked out. I healed, my kids have had time to heal and grow without having to deal with a new person in their lives, and now I’ve started seeing a wonderful man who is a refreshing change and a decent, moral, church-going man. I hope our relationship grows to be incredible some day.

Was it moral? No. But I’m not perfect, and at the time it seemed the right thing for my sanity. And as others here have said, my marriage ended the moment he said he was leaving me for someone else. But I am glad I waited nearly a year after that.

26

Was it moral? No.
I disagree. It was risky; what your ex was playing at was immoral.

27

I’ve never been divorced or in divorce proceedings, so it’s probably easier for me to say this, but I believe that as a Christian, the right thing for me to do would be to wait until everything was final and then not date for awhile after that to try to work through some things.

28

If you want to have sex with someone else before your divorce is settled, fine. So be it. Personally, since chances are that it won’t affect me in the slightest, I doubt that I could care any less than I do already. However, when you elect to brag about it in front of the whole world, I choose to not respect you.

29

I think the morality depends on how you were brought up, whether you’re religious, and how religious you are. Whether or not to have extramarital sex can also be situational.

According to many religions, from what I recall, any sex whatsoever outside of marriage is wrong, whether you’ve ever been married before or not.

I “lived in sin” with Tark for a year. He’d tried to divorce his wife several times in the five (!) years since she’d left, but she kept moving - sometimes with no concrete address. She finally divorced him when she wanted to remarry.

I felt no guilt at all, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t either.

I have cheated. To me, “cheating” is going behind one’s spouse’s (or SO’s) back - being false and underhanded and lying. It was a horrible thing to do and I regretted it, and apologized. It wasn’t horrible of me to do because God or Allah or Krishna or the Floating Magenta Moose told me it was wrong; it was horrible because I betrayed the trust of someone who should have had every reason in the world to trust me.

Fortunately, now he does again, because although I don’t think I’ll ever be right with any particular God, I have done right by him. If he can forgive me, I don’t think God would be so small as to hold a grudge.

I agree with Mr. Cynical though…when you come out in public bragging about it, while I might not call you “sinner,” I will probably think, “How crass, tasteless, and lower-class. How trashy.” Not for the act, but for the accompanying public bragging.

30

When I found out the ex wanted a divorce I was faithful and fought to hold on to the marriage for nearly two months.

Then I found an email from his parents giving him advice on how to divorce me. “Do you remember what happened to Mr. What’s-his-face down the street when his wife found out about the girlfriend? Just make sure chique doesn’t find out about Bimbo.”

Within two weeks he was in the barracks, I was sleeping with someone (with whom I’m still good friends, even though he’s in Hawai’i), and wheels were put in motion to ship my household goods back to the mainland.

31

Huh?
Who here’s bragging?
:confused:

32

Belladonna: I think this is what folks are referring to.

33

belladonna, i had the same reaction…bragging? thing is, i hadn’t looked at the other thread. i think that the bragging comment more aptly belongs in the other thread, and why post it here? yes, if you’re a religious person who’s against extramarital sex, then you could have some objections to this thread, but this one is a lot more serious than the one that was actually entitled “bragging.” this one seems to actually address the moral issue and seriously ask what people think, not just drag out a bunch of sexual exploits.

34

For one reason I can think of, Sivalensis, and the same reason I chose to start a new thread here. That thread is a was started by a woman who has found happiness in an otherwise crappy situation. Her ethical/moral standpoint is based on her particular situation, as all of ours are. I don’t want to rain on her parade, and perhaps our kind and gentle Mr. Cynical feels the same.

35

personally? I don’t date someone until the divorce is final. The first woman on the boards who expressed an interest in dating me was in the process of getting divorced - hubby was already dating. I said no. We even met at a dopefest where I flatter myself to think she came in from out of state at least in part to see me. She has since moved on, is still awaiting the final paperwork to go thru (hubby started dragging feet) and is living with someone, who seems like a nice guy. She and I are still friendly, spoke for over an hour on the phone just this week, probably will meet them both when they pass thru town this fall en route to a family visit. Have I ever wondered what may have happened if I DID date her? Once or twice. Do I regret not dating her? No. I made the right choice FOR ME. Do I look down on her for dating while she was still married? No.

36

Regardless, it would have been nice for a little clarification about exactly who those comments were directed at. That other thread was linked in the OP, but up until Mr. Cynical’s remark, it hadn’t been mentioned again.

Considering the conversation taking place here, I read those comments as meaning that those of us who admitted to not waiting until the papers were signed should be ashamed of ourselves for daring to even talk about it.
Just seemed a bit uncalled for, IMO

37

Oh - in case it wasn’t clear - if she had been free, yes, I definitely WOULD have gone on a date with her.

38

I’m very touchy about marriage. An oath is an oath, regardless of the circumstances. Until it is dissolved fully, by all parties involved (including the government) I will keep it.

I’m much less hardline about anything up to marriage. Until you make the permanent vow, its all flexable. (Unless you are my SO. Damn monogamy.)

[sub]All choices are up to the people involved, this post just includes my opinion, which may or may not be the opinion of you, your spouse, your dog, the Chicago Reader, or Cecil himself.
As much as I may whimper about monogamy, it is in jest. SO and I have a perfectly acceptable agreement in place. [/sub]

39

As soon as you feel ready.

40

I misread Mr. C’s comment myself, and had to go back and read again to get it. I thought at first the same as you, belladonna, and was hacked off at first. He be mysterious sometimes.