A mystery, wrapped up in an enigma, and smothered in secret sauce, baby 
Wow. I didn’t know the Straight Dope Message Board was considered the whole public world. Are you saying now everyone in the entire world knows I have had sex with Amazingly Spectacular In Bed Boyfriend?
I suspect not.
Some of you guys might think I’m trashy or whatever. Personally I don’t give a tiny rat’s butt. I felt so happy that I finally found a great time in bed (and on chair, on couch, on floor…but I don’t want to continue bragging in public), and felt that most of you folks would appreciate the fun topic and discussion (which most of you did, thanks) I didn’t think it would end up being a morality debate. Which I now realize was a naive assumption, given the nature of this board and the diversity of its members (and I wouldn’t have this board any other way)
I don’t know where else I was going to go with this reply. I guess that’s about it. No conclusion.
Well, LORIE, I think you have to at least consider that some people would not find extramarital sex to be a “fun topic.” Yeah, this is a broad board, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t have opinions and the right to express them. And not everyone is going to agree with you all the time. Is it a criticism of your choice for people to say “I wouldn’t do that,” or maybe even “I wouldn’t do that, and I wouldn’t respect someone who did”? Yeah, it is. But it’s not a criticism of you personally. That is the distinction I think UNCLEBILL was trying to draw by raising the question in a separate thread – so it’s not about you, it’s about an action (regardless of whether it was done by you or not).
That said: I too am a Christian and I too believe that marriage vows are sacred. I’m not so naive, however, as to fail to understand that sometimes good reason exists to wallk away from a bad situation, and divorce does happen. But I would honor my marriage vows until I was well and truly divorced, not for the sake of the schmo I’m getting rid of, but for the sake of the vows themselves. When you promise to do something, especially before God, that has to mean something, IMO. Nor would I date a guy who was not officially divorced – aside from the above beliefs, it’s too easy today to get tripped up by some guy (or woman too, I guess) who claims to be “in the process of getting a divorce” but who isn’t really – not so long as as there’s nookie at home and nookie away.
But though I’ve never been married, I know lonely and insecure and uncertain. And I know that sometimes sex can be a way to push those feelings back, just as divorce is time when they probably come charging forward. So I try not to judge others’ choices. But if I said I did not have more respect for a person who chooses the IMO most honorable way of being true to their vows until divorce, I’d be lying.
SuperLorie, I’m sorry that you got your feelings hurt, but please don’t take this thread personally. Surely you understand that not everyone has the same outlook as you, and you should not feel bad or even surprised that some people may disapprove. UncleBill specifically started this as a separate thread so as not to hijack yours, since you wanted to share about feeling good, but it did get him to thinking and he wanted to discuss it. It wasn’t intended in any way as a condemnation of you that he or anyone else shared that they chose to do things differently. It is unfortunate that a few people chose to piss on your parade by expressing their disapproval in your thread.
SuperLorie, this is not a morality debate, or I would have put it in GD. This is asking folks for their personal opinions on a subject that MANY people have been exposed to. Big difference. Hence IMHO. Very very little in here is about you or your particular situation. Few very folks, nay almost NONE of the folks here, would criticize you.
In effect, anyone with internet access can read this board, it is unrestricted. A very simple google search can bring someone who is looking and has 10 minutes to kill into this forum. And what with archiving, it is best to treat anything you write here as open to the world, IMHO.
I think that every situation is dependent upon the couple. If they’ve both decided that the marriage is over, they’re living in separate houses, they’ve finished their lives together, then their marriage, in their eyes, is over. It’s the love and commitment that makes a mariage, not a piece of paper. I’d feel differently if one person was under a false impression of the other still loving them, or if there were still strong feelings of connection between them.
So that’s my input. Mariage = love + commitment + responsibility. Mariage (as far as sex is concerned at least) does not equal a piece of paper. But if there’s going to be extramarital sex involved, I think it should be discrete enough not to cause harm to anyone involved (children especially).
In North Carolina once legal separation papers have been signed by both parties, then each party is considered to be living their life separate from the other as if they were never married. So legally you could have sex once the separation papers are signed.
My view is that once the separation papers are legal, you are no longer married, your vows are considered null and void, and you are free to live your life at your discretion. I would hope that couples that go as far as to obtain legal separation papers are certain that the marriage is over and that they have no wish to reconcile for whatever reasons there are. I would also hope that if children are involved that if any activities did take place that it would happen with the greatest discretion and caution.
Well, I think that whether a divorcing couple should have sex before the final papers are signed depends on the situation.
I was once involved with a man whose marriage was, for all practical purposes, over. He and his wife lived in separate homes, and had other relationships. In fact, I admired a particularly creative custody arrangement they had: their former home belonged to their three children, and the parents took turns, two weeks at a time, living with them, so the kids wouldn’t be traumatized by moving back and forth all the time.
Sometimes I would call the house and his wife would be there, and she had no problem taking a message for him. BTW, they had decided to go their separate ways because of his cheating. At the time I met him, he was in counseling.
They had no problem with “extramarital” sex, but eventually, I did. There was no divorce, legally speaking, and I was uncomfortable with that. I just thought it would be cleaner, neater, easier, if the divorce were formalized, and I also could not imagine my own relationship with this man progressing if he were still technically married. He got tired of my fussing about it and broke things off.
So, it depends. I think that it’s best if both parties wait until the final papers are signed before starting new relationships, but a lot of people aren’t going to do that, particularly if one or both of them no longer feel any responsibility to the other person.