Whenever someone discusses a personal problem they’re often met with a response of “You’re not the only one experiencing this problem.” To be clear if the person is explicitly making it seem like they’re the only one experiencing a problem (intentionally or unintentionally) then I do think it’s a valid response. My question is in reference to the other cases where the person is simply detailing their problems and the unhappiness it brings them is it ever a valid response or is it always a tired platitude that may even have the opposite effect as intended?
It’s often used in an attempt to make people feel better but assuming they’re aware it comes off as another tired platitude to me. Not only that but it can easily make the person feel worse because a problem that only a few people have is probably easier to solve than a problem that large swathes of the population (if not the majority) have. Telling someone who’s depressed, poor, lonely, dissatisfied, working at a job they hate etc that millions and billions of people are in the same circumstances is basically telling them that their problems likely won’t be solved because it’s simply a feature of the society they live in. The problems are already baked into the system so to speak and can’t easily be undone. I can’t see how it would make anyone feel better or optimistic about their plight. It certainly doesn’t have any positive effect on me.
A lot of times statements like this need to be put into context. What the inflection of the speaker’s voice? What do they follow this statement up with? Telling someone “You’re not the only one…” could either be an attempt to let the person know they’re not alone or it could be a way to dismiss them. It’s only a tired platitude if you don’t follow up with someone more meaningful to put it in its proper context. And of course if you derisvely tell someone they’re not the only one you’re just being a jerk.
Very situational. For a great many people, knowing they aren’t alone in their suffering is very affirming and helpful. That’s why there are a zillion groups for everything from grieving the deaths of pets to dealing with dialysis.
If it’s a casual conversation and the tone is, ‘enough about you, let’s talk about me!’ then yeah, callous.
Right, it depends on the situation: if someone is saying their spouse is cheating on them or their kid has cancer it is absolutely the wrong thing to say. But if someone is complaining about being upset by promiscuous sex in the movies or lying by politicians it is fine.
The truth is that there is nearly nothing anyone can say to anyone about any human situation that isn’t a “tired platitude” if you examine it closely enough with a jaundiced-enough eye.
There are genuinely times when someone lacks insight into their problem, or they’re consulting with an expert in solving those sorts of problems and the expert knows solutions or at least mitigations the sufferer does not. But those situations are by far the exception.
And around here, even those of us (not me) who are experts in solving some kinds of personal problems can’t do a pro-quality job over the internet. So even what they can say amounts to generalities not far from tired platitudes.
Like the earlier responses, I suppose I’d start with the tone and intent of delivery. With a side order of wondering how much the issue is the OP’s POV?
Like others have said, the devil is in the details.
I’ve had a friend say that to me when I’ve been whining about something and it was a good kick in the pants, reminding me that this wasn’t something unique to me.
“You’re not special in this.” – a dismissal due to non-uniqueness (and an accusation that the complaint is trivial or extremeely common and not worth complaining about)
Either interpretation is valid, depending on context. One is kind (or at least meant kindly) and the other is not.
IMO even the latter of your two is not necessarily unkind. It certainly can be.
But there are whiny people who make the vexing molehills of daily life into mountains of soul-crushing adversity. A little “tough love” may stiffen their spine. Or not … at which point your choice is to enable them or to ignore them.
Misery loves company. A platitude? Sure, but it’s absolutely true. Why bother to complain about anything at all unless there is some hope that others will understand their plight. What better way to confirm there is understanding than confirmation that someone else is experiencing the same or similar thing?
