Perhaps because I possibly married the most assertive woman in existence, but I noticed that many of my peers have wives that tend to be pushovers. Now, granted, compared to my wife, just about everyone is lazy and passive.
Something I noticed is that there are a lot of times we don’t like being told what to do, corrected, reminded, or called out on the carpet for acting out of line. We don’t want to think we are bad, lazy, or selfish people. Maybe the ideal partner for many people is a person that will accept them 100%, and never point out when they are being a dick. So I suppose it makes sense when someone gets into a relationship, it veers toward someone that’s going to reinforce how they perceive themselves.
Perhaps because of the way I was raised (Mom, and all the really good teachers in my life established very firm boundaries for me, held me accountable, were strict but fair, and always communicated expectations clearly) I’ve come to respect people with the guts to say to something they love, “Hey, you’re being an asshole right now. Cut it out” as opposed to just being resigned to the fact that “it is what it is”. Both my brother and several of my friends married comparitavely ‘passive’ women, and one of the differences I noticed between them and myself is that while we all have a tendency to act like Manchildren at times, I actively try to correct selfish, mean-spirited or ignorant behavior. My peers, on the other hand, don’t think they need to change, and I guess because their spouses are so passive, perpetuate this misconception that when you marry someone you are under no obligation to continue to grow and mature as an individual.
How old are these women? In my late teens and twenties I was certainly a pushover. Edging into my thirties, I’m getting more vocal about things that bother me. I’ve had the life experience to know that it’s much, much better to have a small fight now than to build up a huge, unfixable resentment that becomes unbearable several years down the line.
When I first started dating my wife two years ago, she was assertive, though not terribly so, and I almost always backed down from conflicts on minor things. Hence she nearly always got to decide on topics such as what we’d do on date night, what movies we’d watch, and so forth. After we got engaged, I began to push back after she started demanding that I change some of my personal habits. I think that caught her by surprise, and we had some major fights about it before we truly understood each other.
The question of whether your significant other is more or less willing to compromise is definitely one to be aware of at any point is a relationship.
A fair question; my wife is 29, my brother and friends’ wives are a little younger (24/25). So well within the same ‘decade’.
Also, you would think the most ‘independent’ of the women would be the most assertive, but weirdly, its completely opposite- My brother’s wife lived on her own since she was 17, traveled by herself, dated many people, etc but is a total pushover. My wife lived with her parents until we got married (when she was 27) yet in spite of never having that independent ‘experience’ is very assertive with people.
I gotta wonder if there’s something bigger to this; my wife is also an extremely confident person, and I noticed that when someone is confident, they can envision a favorable outcome in many situations. However, if someone is insecure, they’re more prone to sabotaging themselves by convincing themselves their idea won’t work, will just make things worse, whats the use in trying, etc.
Its also fair to say “pushover in public” but I’ve asked my peers how their spouses are privately, and unless they are so afraid of coming off as whipped they don’t want to let on that their wives rule the roost when nobody’s watching, they say they act pretty consistently alone vs around other people. When I was confiding to a friend of mine (married for 8 years at that point) about how I felt bad that my fiancee wished I was more involved with wedding plans but I was paralyzed by being indecisive and really out of my element, he asked why I even cared? Just let the girl do all the work, they don’t mind! I asked if his wife ever complained that he didn’t contribute enough toward planning their wedding and he said she did at first, but then kind of gave up and let him off the hook :rolleyes: .
Also, I should broaden my definition of ‘assertive’. Its more than just ‘not letting me get away with acting like an immature manchild’ obviously.
When our credit card company accidentally double-billed us one month, I called to correct the error. The phone rep said they could give us a credit on our balance, not reverse the charge. When I told my wife, she called them back, and after talking to them for another 15 minutes, managed to get them to refund the money back in our checking account :eek: .
When her old boss tried to throw her under the bus to HR to cover for her own sloppy work, my wife was careful enough to keep records of the work she was doing/emails exchanged. When boss had my wife meet with HR thinking she was going to get wife fired, my wife managed to turn the tables on her boss by convincing them it was her boss sabotaging her all along.
When a (now ex) friend continued to ask for help and support and the one and only time my wife asked her for the same courtesy (be a bridesmaid at her wedding) had friend flake 1 week before the wedding with no explanation (friend was pretty flaky in general), my wife severed and refused to talk to her from that point onward.
In all these kinds of categories, I’ve observed the wives of my peers take a different tack; they got railroaded at work but didn’t defend themselves (thus getting fired ‘with cause’). They were the victim of technical glitches costing them money/affecting their credit and just threw their hands up in the air about it. And they continued to have relationships with toxic/moochy friends without ever setting boundaries.
You’re right that it’s complicated. The independent woman you describe has probably learned not to sweat the small stuff, which may make her appear to be a pushover in social situations. On the other hand, someone who has been safely sheltered at home, among people who love her and want her to be happy, won’t be afraid to tell people what she wants.
