"It would mean a lot to me if you were there." I fundamentally don't get it.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I seem to be different from all other human beings on this.

The current example involves a dispute I’m having with my wife that she doesn’t know we’re having. :wink: (Research shows that successful couples don’t typically talk everything out, and this is going to be one of those cases. Can of worms that needs no opening.) She plays at a sport called Hurling. She’s actually really good, for play at her amateur level. She’s on a team that will be going to the national championship next month. She’s very proud of herself, and enjoys the activity a great deal.

I am also extremely proud of her, find her to be inspirational in this regard, and am absolutely thrilled for her.

I also could not give even a single shit about the game itself, or watching it, or seeing her play, or anything.

Okay, so but of course, if it’s just a matter of going with her to her games, I’d happily do so. I understand people like to be supported etc etc. Yes yes. I can take a book. It’s okay.

But we have four children. For me to accompany her to these games is not just me going to watch. It’s me taking a bunch of kids, to watch a bunch of kids, while she’s playing nearby.

She doesn’t ask me to go to every game, to be clear. But every now and then there’s a special game of some sort or other, and she makes it known that it would be really, really gratifying to her if I were to bring come too, along with the kids.

Today, one of the kids is sick with a fever, and the official line is that I should play it by ear, but it has been made clear that she’ll be really sad and disappointed if we don’t go.

This is what I don’t get.

I get feeling a little good about a person being there to support you. (I “get” it but don’t really understand it–I would not give a single damn if someone came to “support” me at a fencing tournament. It’s my game. I’m playing it. I don’t expect anyone else to be involved. Do you see where I’m coming from here?)

What I don’t get is feeling actively sad and disappointed when people don’t go out of their way to cause quite a bit of consternation and stress and even a bit of minor suffering in order to make a point of being sure to get everything and everyone together and coordinated and over to your thing that you’re doing.

It’s you’re thing that you’re doing, and what I don’t get is this idea that you have the right to feel others are in any sense obligated to be involved as well.

How much of an ass am I here?

To be clear, I do it, I go, she’s happy we’re here, she doesn’t really care (though she damn well knows) about what we went through to pull it off, and she knows I hate being outside and don’t like watching sports etc but she’s just happy we’re there. That’s what I don’t get.

I’m a complete bastard aren’t I?

But anyway, I don’t get it. Can anyone explain?

2

One partial answer is just that it is hard to understand how someone could be proud of what I can do if they never see me do it. Feats of physical skill, especially.

Second, it feels weird if there is a big part of my life my husband doesn’t know about. . .friendships and dramas and goals and changes. I want him to have a mental picture of my workplace, so that he has a vision of me at work, for example. I don’t want any major portion of my life to just be a black box to him. So he needs to see it sometimes.

3

Perhaps your wife likes having you show up to her activities because it demonstrates that you care about her and her thing. Saying you care is easy. But showing it is a different thing.

It could also be that she sees other families showing up to watch the games, and she feels weird not having her own rooting section. People play sports not just for the exercise and the competition, but to show off. I don’t know a thing about hurling. But I presume the game is such that an individual can be instrumental in a team’s win. Maybe your wife wants you and the kids to see her being Michael Jordan instead of MommyWife.

My mother is an associate minister at her church. My father doesn’t attend her church. But occasionally he’ll visit when she has to give a sermon or lead the prayer, even though he’s heard her give sermons/prayers a million times. And even though I don’t give a rat’s ass about either of their religious activities, I’m glad that he supports her like this. Because I know my mother still gets nervous in front of the congregation. There’s always that chance she’ll screw up her “lines”. I like knowing that my father might be there afterwards to assure her that she didn’t do THAT bad and also praise her when she raises the roof.

But it seems to me that if a kid is sick, then you should be off the hook. Unless the kid in question is a teenager and can take care of themselves.

4

It’s a fool looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart, ya know.

But if it helps you, think about all the people you would be willing to watch/support if it were perfectly convenient for you and how insignificant those people are to you–you’d proud and happy for the mailman’s third cousin’s fiancee’s sister going to nationals, especially if it meant you didn’t have to go to any sort of effort whatsoever, right? Your wife doesn’t want to be supported in the way you’d support the mailman’s third cousin’s fiancee’s sister. She wants to be supported in the way you’d support one of the most important people in your life, and that means some hassle and inconvenience.

She’s happy you’re there because it indicates that you give Fuck One about something that’s really important to her. Also, if you go to one of these things alone, don’t take a book. There is no clearer sign that you in actuality could not give a single shit and are only there to shut her up. That will not end well.

A truly ill child is a valid reason not to go, imo, although if it were me I’d probably check around and see if someone could watch the poorly one while I took the others to the game.

5

I forgot to mention to say…I do get this. But that’s why I can’t imagine myself ever getting married. Seems to me that once you get married, your definition of “mine” must change. I am way too self-centered to allow that to happen. Hence, why I have no problem being single for the rest of my life.

So while I admire that you still have firm personal boundaries while being in a marriage, I am not shocked that your wife has a different perspective. She’s like most people who get married: they want someone to share their lives with. Hurling is a part of her life, so she wants to share it with you. There are probably a ton of other things that she does that she keeps to herself. But this is one thing she’d like you to be a part of because it’s a part of her identity. I personally can’t relate to this. But since I know what companionship and marriage represent to most people, I understand why your wife would want you to show up at her games.

6

Aye, I play that too. On Friday nights, mostly.

(sorry, no relationship advice, but you really don’t want any from me)

7

I reckon, it’s not the event, it’s the stuff around it.

Before the event, it’s nice to have a loved one / close friend reassure you if you’re feeling nervous. And after, it’s nice to have someone there who is definitely on your side to celebrate with, or share a little of your disappointment. And they have to be there and see it to really understand how you’re feeling.

During the activity itself, I’m focusing, and it doesn’t matter if anyone’s watching or not.

8

In a nutshell, things are different for different people. My parents rarely attended my band concerts in high school. Not that they could have picked my playing out from the other kids onstage anyway. But they weren’t there, and it hurt. Why? I dunno, they’re feelings and I didn’t choose to have them.

9

How much of an ass are you being? A big one.

And you’re being selfish as well. Towards your wife, yes, but more importantly towards your children. Don’t you want them to see Mommy being awesome? Don’t you want them to see concrete evidence that you support her?

I can see how wrangling 4 kids at an amateur sporting event could be a major pain in the neck. Maybe hire a helper. Do any of your wife’s teammates have a teenage kid who would like to earn a few bucks?

10

I wonder where you get the idea that I don’t want these things? Try reading the OP carefully, word by word, then come back and tell me where you see those ideas expressed or implied.

With what goddamn money?

11

For the most part, you guys have provided some insights in this thread that I appreciate.

12

A friend of mine has a saying, “You can pretend to care, but you can’t pretend to show up.” In case that needs interpreting, you can “say” anything you like, but your physical presence makes a statement stronger than any words.

Combine that with another friend’s definition of friendship: “A friend is someone who inconveniences himself (herself) for you.”

So go. Not to all of them, but go.

13

I just want to make sure it’s clear, never at any point was there any question that I go (and will continue to go) to these things.

I just don’t fundamentally grasp the mindset that cares whether I go.

14

Because if you go and she does particularly well or has a shining moment under the sun, then the event becomes a shared memory between the two of you as well as the kids. Shared memories is the stuff of relationships, no matter the type. It is all that you will have 40 years from now when you’re all gray, wrinkly, and incontinent. Looking back on the past, laughing about the time when she was in that game and kicked ass or humiliated herself or whatever.

I’m normally of the mindset of you, Frylock. I don’t need an audience to get pleasure out of my hobbies, and I don’t like people showing up only out of obligation either. However, last year my sister watched me perform with a music ensemble and I have to admit that looking out into the crowd and seeing her there made it a much more memorable occasion for me than it would have been otherwise. It also meant a lot to me that my boyfriend traveled down to Raleigh to watch me play a month ago. So I’m rethinking my previous indifference.

Try not to think about the hassle of bringing the kids and all that. Try to think of the bigger picture. These are memories that your kids, you, and your wife will have. They might feel insignificant now, but it’s amazing what our minds will hold on to. She’s thinking this might be one of those memories.

15

This. It comes from a desire for togetherness, even in a kind of abstract way. She wants to share that part of her life with you, so that the two of you are (very slightly) more like one person than two. She wants you to internalize a part of her, “To live in your thoughts.” And, if she’s fair about it, she should want to share in your triumphs, too, and to have parts of you live on in her.

Ideally, you’d care (a little) about curling because she cares about it. And, in return, she should care (a little) about things you like, even if they aren’t really her cup of tea.

Obviously, such things can be taken too far. You don’t both have to read all the same books or watch all the same TV shows. Married couples are allowed to retain significant independent individuality. But, in the ideal, they surrender some of their independence, to become a bit more like one another.

So…yield when you can, and stand firm when you must, and compromise, compromise, compromise, compromise.

The sex is a lot better that way.

16

For me, it’s about shared enthusiasm. It’s fun to do something I love, but it’s The Best Thing ever if the person I love more than life itself is there to share it with me. As previously stated, he helps to calm my fears, pat me on the back when I did something awesome (and will continue to do so for a while afterwards – hell, there’s still things over the course of our marriage that he brags about decades later), give me pointers on sticky situations, whatever. It’s just good ramped up to better times two. Plus all the other things already mentioned.

But from the other side, I don’t want to miss things that are important to him. Just by their very existence and extension, they’re important to me, too.

17

I think it’s also something one does for the good of their marriage, more than as a favor for the other person. Individuality is important, yes, but if there are huge areas of your life that you are hyper emotionally invested in and the other person doesn’t know anything about them, about that part of you . . .it seems to be that too many areas like that is how a couple wakes up one day and discovers they have “grown apart” and don’t have much of a connection anymore.

I am a very different person around my students than I am around the house, and every once in a while I want my husband to see that “me”, because it’s as much the “real me” as the home me is, and I don’t want this huge part of me growing in whatever direction with him totally oblivious to all of that. And talking about it isn’t enough–he needs to see it, so that he can know the things about that version of me that even I don’t really know.

18

I’ll take a shot. Don’t know if it will help, but I’ll try.

First up, everyone is different. Seems obvious, but you’re here, asking us why this matters, because it would not matter to you. So, what I say May not apply to your wife.

Second, many, many eons ago, when the land was young, and I was not married, and did not have kids, I showed horses competitively. On my college team, in fact. And I was pretty damn good at it. The love of my life, at the time, was of your mindset I believe. I did not go to his sporting events. Not invited. I did not invite him to some of the major events in my life at that time. He was busy (who wasn’t in university). But I did invite him to a few major horse shows. Because I was good at it. And I was proud of myself. And I wanted him to see it. To see me succeed in a venue that was different than the every day grind.

I don’t know your wife, but maybe some of those things are at play here? Especially when kids (4?!) come into it, maybe she would like you to see her and celebrate her other accomplishments in life. To see her in a role outside of the normal day to day.

19

I think part of the issue is that you feel burdened by 4 kids. If I remember correctly your wife pushed hard for a third and you weren’t 100% on board and the third pregnancy resulted in twins. Hence four kids. When you weren’t really sold on three. From your posts I see some resentment for the position you find yourself in having so many people that you are financially and emotionally responsible for. I can understand how this can transfer into the feeling that just taking care of the kids so she can do her thing should be enough for her. I really do. But is that what you want out of your relationship?

20

Another thread where a member of the SDMB doesn’t quite “get” normal human interaction.

When people do things that are special to them, they often tend to want to have those people they have special feelings for close by to share the experience and provide support and whatnot. Not sure what’s so difficult to grasp about that concept.

Also, maybe she wants you to take pictures.