Could my sister be anymore brain dead?
She is/was (who knows anymore) dating this freak who at one point in time told her that she wasn’t marriage matterial and that she was a shitty parent of two heathenistic bastard children.
But that’s okay!
The get a joint account together and when she takes out money for food for my nieces, he called the police and told them she was stealing money from him.
But that’s okay!
I think he is hitting my nieces, and there is one unfounded report with DHS.
But that is okay!
She practically on purpose lost her job at Oscar Mayer and decided that even after a year of being treated like shit she is going to up and move to DesMoines with him.
Whatever!
Friday she calls me and tells me that something happened and she broke it off, and now she has to leave and is moving to Michigan to get away from him.
Wonderful!!!
For the past three day we have gotten tons of phone calls from him. He called my 82 year old grandparents at 11pm to ask them where she was. He called her friends here, and the rest of the family. Even scarier he called our friends stationed in Georgia! They told him she moved to Floridia to stay with our aunt.
Wise guy decides to call my mom and tell her that he talked to my sister and she said it was okay for her to give him the number to my aunt.
Freak!
My sister showed up on my mom’s doorstep today.
Stupid!
She is meeting this jerk at the halfway point and then “who knows”, “nobody understands how she feels”.
UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Does she realise what she is doing to my nieces? Does she care?
Does she care that she had everybody here worried about her and why she left? My niece was supposed to start kindergarten Monday. And now she is being bounced around all over the place.
Hey, if she wants to deal with him she can, but you would think that she would want her children to grow up mentally stable.
I always knew that my sister was kinda selfish but this is unreal.
As they say, love is blind…and deaf, and dumb, and frequently stupid.
Unfortunately, no, your sister isn’t thinking about her children at all. And chances are that pointing this out would accomplish nothing–all it would do is piss her off. But…somebody should point it out anyway, just on the tiny chance it would make her think.
Ugh. Your sister isn’t brain-dead (well, perhaps that too), she’s addicted to drama. If she got into a relationship with a reasonably healthy person, she’d find ways to sabotage it. The only thing you can do w/ people like that is write them off. Unfortunately she has kids, so I think you can’t completely do that.
I’m sorry. I don’t have any constructive advice or anything, but I’ve known plenty of people who did the same kind of shit. I feel for you in this situation.
[Edited by Lynn Bodoni on 08-31-2000 at 01:10 AM]
Have a little compassion for your own sister. And go to this site http://www.drirene.com. Read up on abuse. (this one is just verbal. Heaven help someone who is also controlled by the threat of physical violence.) Even a person with normal self esteem can often not stand up to the “brainwashing” techniques of a control freak. It’s insidious, and constant. If you have the tiniest little doubt about yourself (and most of us do) these types will find it and exploit it. Even later, if you do escape, it can take years to recover. The guilt can be crushing. The inner turmoil from trying to understand the “why” and “how” of it can drive you crazy. In a way many people do not recover, they are forever changed. If you want your sister back and care about your nieces blaming her will not help. She may not even feel comfortable coming to her family for help because of your attitude. Is that what you want? To push her farther into this sicko’s arms because she’d rather be there than face the ridicule of her family. If she is not a total piece of shit, and you would know that better than I, then she is in crisis. Is blaming her going to help her out of this situation? Open up yourself to her and offer to help her without judgement or reservation. She needs that or she may never get free. I know you are angry with her but you are directing your anger in the wrong place. I know it’s frustrating but she needs support not condemnation. She’s been “trained” to react the way this nut wants her too. And blaming her is only reinforcing his strategy.
Needs2know
From experience, I would have to agree with Needs2Know. Your sister is in desperate need of help right now. Is it possible for you or your Mom to take care of the niece and get her started in school? At least that way, she will have some stability while her mom is off doing her thing. I’m not trying to lighten the seriousness of the situation at all, or say that your sister is not responsible for her actions, but can something be done about your nieces, since your sister obviously cannot care for them at this time? I feel for your sister, and hope that she gets the help she needs, but right now I would say the kids are more important.
MysterEcks - I’d like your permission to use that “Love is blind” quote as my sig - with full credit to you of course…
Sorry for the hijack folks…
With all due respect to Needs2Know and Heloise, I completely disagree.
This woman chose to have children. Her highest priority must be her children and their welfare. I’m sure I don’t need to go into details about why that is so. This does not imply that she needs to live every moment of her life for them. Once their essential needs are met and satisfied she can then address her own in a manner that will not interfere or negatively impact the needs of the afformentioned kids. Period. End of story. The End.
Given the OP thus far I feel it’s fair to conclude the following:
The woman is quite obviously selfish.
The woman is quite obviously intellectually lazy.
The woman is quite obviously unfit to be a parent.
Why must our hearts immediately bleed for the poor downtrodden? The woman has choices but refuses to exercise them. The woman can take control of her life but prefers to do nothing instead. My heart bleeds alright - but only for the kids who did not sign up for this kind of insanity.
You may have notices how strogly I feel about this. It’s because the story is as familiar to me as … well… my sister-in-law. Nuff said.
Quick silver, I don’t understand your position. Yes, the woman has/had choices etc. Yes, she seems to be exercising poor decision making. why, though, are you disagreeing with Needs2Know and Heloise who, among other things are attempting to get the children into a safer place, and suggesting a course of action that would allow them to be of support for this woman when she eventually does try to leave the louse?
I agree that the woman seems to be heading for disaster. I have worked with many people who make bad choices and are surprised by the results. My advice for family members and people who care about them is always the same: If asked for your opinion, feel free to share it. If not asked, don’t. If there are children involved, make some offer to attempt to get the kids into a better situation. If the children are in physical danger take drastic action.
One other point - when the person in question is obsessed etc (as seems to be the case) one of the tactics to complete the picture is to distance them from others who care. this is standard practice for cults (stay away from outsiders). when the isolation is complete, the person has fewer alternatives to staying in the bad situation. And, it doesn’t have to be cult like - I had a friend who was heading into a disasterous marriage, all of other his friends thought so (as evidenced by his writing me to tell me of the nay sayers who had been cut out of his life 'cause they dared to express to him and the leach-to-be that maybe they should slow down). I chose to simply state “whatever makes ya happy” so that I could still be there as a friend when it came crashing, figuring he’d need it then. Yep he did.
Thanks wring…and I will address this myself.
At this point this woman, unless she has developed a pattern of irresponsible behavior, is in such a state that she cannot make or perhaps cannot implement rational decisions about herself or her children. She’s been abused. She’s been “brainwashed”. She isn’t the same woman she was when she went into this situation. And for whatever reason, her family has and is no help to her at this time. Particularily with this attitude. I will state again that this mindset on the part of those who do have an interest in her welfare will only serve to reinforce the terrible situation.
And…in case no one has noticed…she is the mother of those children, and it is extremely difficult in most cases for a family to “rescue” them away from their legal guardian. So unless her family is willing to put their money where their mouth is and alienate their own flesh and blood by attempting to wrestle these girls away from an “unfit” mother" then their best course of action would be something designed to save all three. Which in my estimation is the really the only solution.
You can spout off all you want about the kids coming first etc. I’d be willing to bet that this woman KNOWS what this is doing to her children and is as appalled herself by the situation. But she no longer has the confidence or even the energy to make a bold and drastic move alone. I just love it when people who have never experienced abuse love to moralize and lay blame on the victim. Reminds me of the “she deserved to be raped because she wore big earrings” defense. I love to hear women tell me how “if he ever hits me that will be the last time”. What a bunch of morons. If you think anyone is safe from one of these kind of control freaks you are deluding yourself. People like this are similar to serial killers. They are studied at what they do, and they get better at it with time. Ordinary people are not equipped to resist their manipulations. They have you in their clutches before you even know what’s going on. If you’ve never bumped up against someone like this then you are simply lucky, not any stronger or better equipped than this woman.
So with that said…I would suggest that if Kricket is truely interested in helping her nieces or sister then she get in touch with someone who can give her the right advise. Despising her sister for being sick, because now she is sick, emotionally, intellectually and probably physically is not going to help her family at all, any of them.
Needs2know
The fault is mine for perhaps interpolating some of my sister-in-laws behaviour into this scenario. My SIL is living home with her parents again. Her oldest kid is totally out of control and there is very little evidence to suggest anyone is attempting to straighten her out. There is no evindence that the SIL is attempting to move out any time soon. There is little evidence to suggest that she is planning to take maternity leave (to which she is entitled but never took) to spend time with her older and newborn. The older kid is having serious issues with her infant sibling - she constantly shouts in her face from three inches away. She often storm into the room to wake her from her nap. I could go on and on…
Bottom line is, my SIL has problems and issues but refuses to discuss them. She is going through a divorce, which is tough for anyone, but does not share her thoughts, plans and feelings with family. She simply expects the built in babysitting services her mom provides 24-7. Her mom has athritis so bad that some mornings she cannot walk down the steps from her bedroom. She is tired and in no condition to be looking after an infant and an out of control 4 year old. Her mom is a prisoner in her own home and cannot take a vacation because there will be no-one to look after the kids while my SIL is at work or just out.
It is my feeling that sometimes people need to feel a boot in the ass and feel reality’s cold slap on their face to begin making some adult decisions in their life. Sometimes unconditional love by family and friends becomes a crutch and not a means to improvement. I don’t mean to suggest that my SIL or the woman in this OP does not understand how badly she is messing up, I merely suggest that there is insufficient motivation for either of them to take corrective action.
Been there, done that. Until someone has lived with a person who is a control freak day in and day out, you have no idea what it is like. I’m a strong person. But somehow I managed to let this person in my life, and daily was brainwashed about how I could never make it on my own. Add a child. Doesn’t matter to this child how his father treats him, that’s his dad. He loves him.
I’m not sure of all the facts in the OP, but I can relate. Please have patience, love, and though you don’t understand, at some point in time she will leave him. Yes I feel so sorry for the children. Try to help them as much as you can.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if yoou can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if yoou can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if you can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if you can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if you can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
Kricket- a HUGE alarm went off when I read about this slug’s most recent stalking behavior. This is not just annoying or creepy, it could be dangerous. Has anyone spoken to a professional of any kind about this guy? Like a cop, clergy person or shrink?
I am no stranger to abusive relationships, and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t see my choices through all the noise. He was a charming, smooth, sexy guy at first, of course- it was only after I was good-n-hooked that I found out what a prick he was. I only got out after HE got tired of fucking with me.
BTW, if you suspect that he is hitting your nieces, then go ahead and suspect that he’s hitting your sister too. No emotionally ok woman would allow it, and she sounds very broken at the moment.
No great wisdom to share, except that she needs help very badly, as do those kids. Try to help if you can- talk to a professional if you don’t know where to begin. I’ll be thinking about you and your family.
EJsGirl: I didn’t catch that the first 6 times. Would you repeat for me? 
Just kidding. I’ve double posted before. But really, just one click on the “submit reply” is all that’s needed.
Jesus Christ…
Sorry, complete computer fuck up at my end- the new machine is still in a box on my floor…
Don’t sweat it EJ…I think it’s happened to all of us once or twice. Me especially.
Needs2know