It's not your birth mother's fault, and yes it CAN happen to you!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

My adopted sister–divorced and pregnant by who knows who–is currently living with me and Mr. N.Sane. She doesn’t have a job, although to give her credit, she has been looking since she moved in. The problem is that she’s always worked warehouse jobs, and that’s not really practical while she’s 5 months pregnant.

She called me in hysterics today because the doctor found that she has chlamydia. She also said that the baby may have Down Syndrome and she has to go see a specialist.

She came up to my office to weep copious tears before leaving for the specialist appointment. While she was here, I had to grit my teeth to prevent a rude “I told you so.” You know the routine: “Don’t have unprotected sex. Besides unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, you could also get unwanted sexually transmitted diseases.” “Oh, no, I know that happens to other people, but it won’t happen to me.” So here she is, pregnant and getting her medical care through Medicaid because she had unprotected sex.

I asked why the doctor thought there may be a chance the baby has Down Syndrome, since I didn’t find any link between it and chlamydia when I googled chlamydia. She said that she told the doctor that her birth mother had one child with spina bifida, and that the doctor and the ultrasound tech thought the veins in the baby’s head look like they may be too large. While she was here, she raised her fist to the heavens and cursed her birth mother.

Okay, pardon my bitchiness here–I really am sympathetic and don’t want any harm to come to her or to the baby. BUT (and a big fat f’ing but), her birth mother was a prostitute and a drug addict. I don’t know whether it’s true that she had one child with spina bifida, although I don’t necessarily doubt it, but I wonder if the drugs and STDs she undoubtedly had contributed to that. And NEXT BUT: my sister has no one to blame for her STD but herself.

She’s lied to everyone in the family. She told me, before I flew out to get her and drive back with her to my place, that she had only had sex with two guys since her divorce. She told my mother that she’s had unprotected sex with more men than she could count. She told my sister something somewhere in between. So yeah, it could happen to you, and it did. Now you’re leeching off the state for your medical care, you’re whining about your birth mother causing all this harm to your unborn child, and you’re refusing to take any responsibility for yourself.

Of course, is she going to give this child up for adoption? No, at least, not if it’s healthy. If he does turn out to have some health issues, I’m sure she will change her mind and be only too glad to let me and Mr. N.Sane adopt him.

So I just need a big major hairy scream here. I’m also dealing with (a) Mr. N.Sane has esophagitis & acid reflux disease and is having a biopsy next Monday to see if he has cancer; (b) supporting said sister through her pregnancy (I have no kids of my own, darned endometriosis, and had to have a hysterectomy a year ago); © going to school full-time and working full-time; (d) health problems of my own. I think I’d find it in me to be more sympathetic if my sister were taking a little reponsibility for this on herself, but her sitting here cursing her birth mother was just a little too much for me to bear.

I know this is a whiny little self-pitying rant. I probably sound like a heinous hosebag sister, just thinking of myself. I’m not. There’s just so much going on right now in my life that this is one more drop into an already overflowing bucket of shit.

2

Spina Bifida (http://www.sbaa.org/html/sbaa_facts.html) appears to be indirectly inheritable, indirectly in that the condition is related to lower levels of folic acid in the mother during pregnancy. Women at risk don’t make enough folic acid and need to take higher levels of folic acid before and during pregnancy. That said, if your step-sister’s birth-mother was a an alcohol/drug abuser, I would think that her poor nutrition and self-care would be a larger factor. However, I don’t know her, and am not a doctor.

If she has a prayer of a chance of taking responsibility for herself, you have to put some distance between you and her, and not let her sponge off of you any more than necessary. As cruel as it may seem at the time, you may need to put some conditions on her presence in your home, e.g. a job or training by a specific date, child-care taken care of before the due date, etc. Take her to a family resource center and tell her that you expect her to apply for assistance because she will be on her own in a while, and then stick to your guns. You have to put yourself and Mr. N Sane first because of your own health needs. Your step-sister sounds like she is capable, she just needs to believe it, and find the motivation and courage to do it herself.

Vlad/Igor

3

Is the Dr. saying there is a link between spina bifida and down syndrome? I have never heard this before.

Good luck to you and your sister - I don’t blame you at all for your frustration.

4

This may not be an option but spina bifida is now correctable by prenatal surgery.

On preview:

Down’s Syndrome also appears to stem from low levels of folic acid.

5

Yeah, gotta love the old “It won’t happen to me” way of thinking. When I was in high school, a friend of mine starting having sex with her somewhat-older (22, she was 18) boyfriend. I asked if they were using birth control, and she just said she wasn’t some slut who had slept around and to be on the Pill, they were “in love.”
I tried to reason with her, that being in love didn’t matter, people get pregnant all the time, not just the sluts, but she wouldn’t have any of it.
Yep, she got pregnant, got dumped and then found out she also got herpes.
How nice, since they were “in love” and all. :rolleyes:

6

I don’t suppose you could convince your sister to put the baby up for adoption? She doesn’t sound like the most stable person to raise a child, and you seem like you have enough on your plate without dealing with a potentially ill (or even, Og willing, healthy) baby.

I feel sorry for that poor baby.

7

Just my two cents, but you don’t seem a bitch sister, or to sound self-pitying. You’re frustrated with the idiocy and lack of responsibility of a loved one. Very different.

Hang in there, and good luck with Mr. N. Sane’s biopsy.

8

You sound very reasonable to me. I’m glad that you ranted here instead of sounding off at your sister. However you do have the right to set some boundaries with your sister. If what she is saying and doing upsets you, then she needs to do it in private or stop altogether. One of your responsibilities is to see to it that you don’t become victimized by her mistakes.

What is that saying? “I will not allow your lack of planning to become my emergency.”

Keep your chin up! And remember that she can always find work as your housekeeper and cook.

9

Thanks for them kind woids!

It still amazes me how she lies, lies, lies. I asked her last night when I got home if she had told the baby’s father that she has chlamydia. She told me that she hadn’t, so I strongly advised her to let him know before he goes around infecting other people. I mentioned that brief conversation to my other sister this morning, who in stunned amazement told me that our sister told her yesterday that she DID tell the kid’s father.

It’s not just in major stuff that she lies, either; it’s stupid little minor crap that doesn’t mean anything. Our other sister and I work in the same office, so we do hear each other talking on the phone. I called pg sister this afternoon to see how she was feeling after the amnio, and she told me something. Then, at her request, transferred her to the other sister. After they finished the conversation, we compared notes, only to find out that she had told each of us something different.

:sigh: :pulls hair out: I wish I could influence her to give up the child for adoption. She’s proven herself to be incapable of taking care of herself, much less a child. Her ex-husband has custody of their daughter, and let me tell you, that’s something in Utah! I keep hoping that she’ll do what is in the best interests of the child. I don’t think she will. To date, she has shown that she only consistently keeps the interests of one person in her mind, and that’s herself.

This, too, shall pass. She literally has nowhere else to go, as she has burned many bridges behind her. When she’s feeling well, in addition to looking for work, she has been doing minimal work around the house.

All that being said, again, I do hope everything is well with the child and with her.

10

“A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”

I hate to recommend this, since I think DCF can overreact, but is there any way you can call children’s services? At this point I don’t know what else you can do, and ultimately, the well-being of the baby is paramount.

11

Isn’t that like saying that the ocean is damp? :slight_smile: Not saying the possibility shouldn’t be considered, just being snide.

Of course, calling in DCF will likely burn all bridges with the adopted sister, so be very sure you’re willing to deal with all the consequences of that, if you go through with it.

12

Seems to me your sister’s a bit confused. I’ve done a reasonable amount of research on Spina Bifida, since I actually have Spina Bifida myelomeningocele.

So yeah. I’d not heard of a link between Spina Bifida & Down Syndrome until it was mentioned by another poster in this thread, but that seems to make some sense.

As he also said, a main contributing factor seems to be a lack of sufficient amounts of folic acid in the woman’s diet before & during pregnancy/though this is not always the case. My mother increased her folic acid intake before & during her pregnancy with me, but I still wound up with SB; shitty luck. My younger sister, OTOH, was born without any congenital problems, nor is there a family history of neural tube defects, though I do have a cousin with Down Syndrome. By having SB, I incur a higher risk of bearing a child with SB.

I haven’t ever heard of drug use or VD being suspected causes of SB, though I s’pose anything’s possible.

I also wonder whether the doctor specifically mentioned Down Syndrome, rather than ‘generic’ mental retardation as a possible issue. I say this because Spina Bifida is sometimes accompanied by hydrocephalus, which can in turn be a cause of mental retardation if it goes untreated. I wonder if your sister wasn’t perhaps told that the baby might end up having mental retardation & equated that with Down Syndrome. Or not.

Either way, you’re not horrible for bitching; I’d bitch too, were I in your shoes. But you seem to be doing right by her & that’s a good thing. Good luck to all parties involved.

13

Just wanted to clear a few things up.

No, it’s not.

Prenatal surgery - leaving aside for the moment the high risk of very premature birth, risks to the mother, etc. - can close the spinal defect but has NO effect on the rate of paralysis in the child after birth. There is a slight decrease in the occurance and degree of hydrocephalus (which is the complication that can cause brain damage). And, of course, with closed skin over the defect the chances of immediate infection of the spinal tissue just after birth is greatly reduced. The researchers who pinoneered this technique were hoping that it would be of more use, but unfortunately the damage to the spinal cord seems to occur both earlier than anticipated (possibly exposure to the amniotic fluid causes damage) and may also be due to malformation of the nerves as well as the vertebrae.

Also, the article you linked to paints a somewhat grimmer picture than I think necessary. Yes, some children are severely disabled. However, prompt attention at birth (closure of the defect, agressvie treatment of any hydrocephalus, physical therapy) is making mental deficits far less common in people with spina bifida, and minimizing the physical limitations.

No, it doesn’t. Down’s Syndrome is caused by having three copies of chromosome 21 instead of the usual two. Folate levels do not cause this. Actually, we aren’t entirely sure what causes this, although the older the parents, particularly the mother, the greater the risk of occurance.

It’s not quite that cut and dried. There are women with folic acid deficiency who have normal children, and women with adequate folate levels who have children with spina bifida. Diet is certainly a factor, but it is not the only one. Certainly, making sure pregnant women have adequate levels of folate is a good thing, but they need to have adequate levels in the first trimester, which is when this damage occurs - and the first trimester a woman may not be aware she is pregnant. Hence, the recommendation that ALL women of child-bearing age maintain adequate folate intake.

Yes, a factor - but there are horrific drug abusers who have normal children, and teetotalers who have children with birth defects. I haven’t seen it here yet, but don’t fall into the trap that if something’s not quite right with a baby the mother “must have” done something wrong. Sometimes things just happen and no one knows why.