Inspired by this thread I’ve decided to share a bit about myself.
It’s been almost two years now since I made the decision to ask Jesus into my heart and he still calls me, Todd!
I’ve been to the prayer meetings and I’m volunteering for the Christmas clean-up crew. (You wouldn’t believe what I’ve had to take out of the manger after Tuesday evening young adult Bible study!)
Still, all I get is, “Hey! Here he is!” and “Nice to see you, Chief.”
Maybe I should convert…
It took me about 15 years from accepting Jesus into my heart and surrendering to Him as Lord of my life. The 1st one gets you salvation, the 2nd one makes you a follower, not just a believer. I know it can be done in a much shorter time.
I would suggest prayer and reading the Word on your own (well just you and Him). Sometimes, actually very often, people who we look to to help are the very ones that unintentionally hold us back.
Also before volunteering for things, especially work details, get by yourself, pray if it’s the Lord’s will, read His Word, see if that speaks to the issue. Jesus offers freedom, many will try to use that aspect to lure people into bondage, having them work for free.
Jesus drops by my place every so often. Oddly enough, it’s always around dinner time, right about the time I start thinking about what I want to eat. He plops onto my couch, picks up the remote and starts scrolling through the channel guide, then says, “Hey dude, I could go for a pepperoni pizza.”
Well, I kind of want to stay on his good side (you never can tell when knowing him might come in handy) so I call Papa Johns and order a pizza and an order of cheesesticks. If there’s nothing he likes on TV, he’ll rummage through my DVD collection for something to watch. After the pizza comes, we shoot the bull for a while and then suddenly he’ll get up with a casual, “Later, dude” and head for the door.
I’m not sure exactly why he does this. Maybe he just needs a break from all the people that expect him to help them with their problems, and just wants to chill for a bit. The cats seem to like having him around; sometimes they even climb up on his lap so he can scratch them behind the ears.
Impersonal savior? Hmmm …
“I spread my arms upon the cross and suffered horrifying, suffocating, agonizing death for you, Bob. Er, Rod. I mean, Rob. Whatever. Alla’ you guys. Yeah, I died for alla’ you guys. Hey, where’s my shroud?”
*Your own
Impersonal
Jesus
Someone who doesn’t know you well enough to lend a hand
Someone who doesn’t care…
Your own
Impersonal
Jesus*
Ok, sorry, but now that song is stuck in my head. But I can’t come up with really good impersonal lyrics that will fit.
Being dopers, I’m sure someone will soon enough.
I work with Jesus; was just talking to him today, as a matter of fact. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, I’d say Jesus is just alright, oh yeah. He’s gonna help us supervise the start up of a couple of projects in Mexico in a toward the end of the month.
Oh, wait. Y’all are talking about the one in the Bible, aren’t you?
“Hello! Thanks for choosing JesusCo as your Salvation Maintenance Organization! JesusCo–for all your salvation needs!”
“For English, enter one, followed by the pound sign. For Mandarin, enter two, followed by the pound sign…For Barzani Jewish Neo-Aramaic, enter six-thousand nine-hundred twelve, followed by the pound sign.”
“Thank you.”
“Please enter your sixteen digit Saved Soul Number, followed by the pound sign.”
“Thank you.”
“Please choose from the following menu options by entering the number on your telephone keypad, followed by the pound sign. To repeat this list at any time, please press the star button.”
“For forgiveness of sins, press one. For relief from terminal or serious disease, press two. For relief from a terminal or serious disease afflicting a loved one, press three. For requests for improvements in your material situation, press four. To request world peace and universal brotherhood, press five…”
MEBuckner wins. So far.
But, what if I don’t remember my Saved Soul Number?
I think I’ll try just pressing ‘0’ until I get a [del]real person[/del] Heavenly Angel Representative on the line.
Jesus is my bitch. He’s under my chair right now, giving me a rim job. His beard tickles.
I have accepted Jesus as my personal shopper. He know where all the good sales are.
The nice thing about this arraignment is that you never run out of wine.
‘5’ Beep
‘#’ Boop
“I’m sorry. Your request was not understood”
“Please choose from the following menu options by entering the number on your telephone keypad, followed by the pound sign. To repeat this list at any time, please press the star button…”
So Jesus walks into a bar, slaps three nails on the counter, and says: “Can you put me up for the night?”
Some of the Bible irritates me e.g. ‘Thou shall not take the name of thy Lord in vain’ … Jesus! Who thought that one up?!
Yes, I forgot to mention that. And I must say that Jesus produces a pretty good (to my uneducated palate, at least) quality wine. And not always the same kind; he always seems to know just what I’m in the mood for that night. Must be that omniscience thing I keep hearing about, although you’d think that an omniscient being wouldn’t have to spend fifteen minutes scrolling through a channel guide before realizing that there’s nothing worth watching on.
Bet Jesus could do the one hand clapping sound thingie.
What was Jesus face before his parents were born?
Those young adult Bible study people are always slobs.
Hey, it takes a lotta huevos to lampoon Christianity on the Dope of all places! High fives all round!