So, I don’t post much here. None of you know me… when I do post it’s almost never about my personal life so this is quite a departure for me. Something wonderful and very very frightening has happened to my life recently and I’m unsure of what to do about it. Basically I have fallen deeply in love with one of my best friends whom I’ve known for years… I recently gathered up my courage and expressed my feelings and to my joy and amazement she’s felt the same way. It turns out we were both interested in each other almost from the day we met, some 5 years ago. The catch is that I’m married with one kid and another on the way and I love my wife very very much. The catch on that catch is that she is bisexual and is very willing to let me pursue my relationship with my friend, no strings attached. My wife likes my friend very much as well… though there is no romantic interest there at the present. What is torturing me is that the logical part of my mind says this is a disaster waiting to happen, that relationships are so hard to maintain between two people that throwing a third into the mix is lunacy. My friend for her part is miserable because she in no way wants to contribute to my marriage failing… she loves me, she knows I’m happy in my marriage… she loves my kids and the idea of her being involved in that changing is unacceptable to her. My wife is much more positive a person, she thinks it could work… and she honestly doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body… she says she would never leave me and only wants to see me happy. I’m being a dick because while I want to have it all and it would be hypocritical of me to go forward because I could not stand the idea of my wife having another physical relationship with somebody else. I’m just not as good a person as her I suppose. So what to do? It’s just killing me… so unfair, I don’t like very many people at all and I have fallen in love now exactly twice and I could have both but at a terrible risk. Like I say, I’m either cursed or the luckiest man alive. sigh
I vote for “It’s a disaster waiting to happen.”
I agree with Nuerotik. It is likely to become FUBAR before you realize it. the cake and eat it, too, kind of thing.
Nothing that sweet comes without a heavy price.
Just walk away.
The people who say they’re not jealous are lying.
They may be agreeable now, but it’s just lip service. They’ll explode later, and there will be years of drama, lawyers fees, and child custody hearings to pay for a couple of nights of nookie.
Just say no.
Wait a minute. How does that work?
It means she’s willing to let me see my friend, have a physical relationship and go from there… we even discussed the unlikely event of cohabitation. She said she would not expect me to accept her doing something similar. Does it sound crazy? Yes… but I will be the first to say my wife is in no way a typical person, she has a very unique way of thinking about things and she’s never lied to me in the past. I just don’t know whether she understands exactly what she’s saying… in alot of ways it would be easier if she were more typical, it would just be out of the question then. 
I know everyone’s going to hop on the bisexual/open marriage aspect of this, but I’m not sure that’s the most relevant part.
My concern is the fact that you fell in love with someone while married to your wife. And that you finally “just admitted” it. If I were your wife, I think I might have an issue with that, because you hadn’t been upfront about your feelings for someone else.
However, from what you’re saying to us, she may not have those feelings. Or she may have them, but is not expressing them. Who knows.
But there are so many ways that it COULD end badly, that I will be surprised if it DOESN’T end badly. I guess I’m not an optimist. 
You have kids… is divorce really worth the risk for an affair?
I finally admitted it to my friend, my wife has known about my feelings for some time now. I can’t keep anything from her. ;> And I’m no optimist either…
Absolutely not, which is why I’m so torn. On the other hand this wouldn’t be a traditional ‘affair’ where I’d be hiding something from my wife. I don’t know what it would be to be honest. None of us are normal people and that’s part of the problem. ;>
False. supervenusfreak and I have an open relationship. Have since the beginning. And neither one of us feels the slightest tinge of jealousy when the other is doing the deed with someone else.
Now, maybe MOST people who claim no jealousy are lying. But not all of them, by a long shot.
On the other hand, the big warning signs to me are the words
because that right there is the dealbreaker in pretty much any open or polyamorous relationship. Good for the gander, good for the goose, and if it isn’t then nobody’s playing outside the playground.
Train wreck, explosion, MASSIVE FIREBALL!!!
Many Easter Bunnys killed.
Don’t go there/ Walk away.
Yeah and I feel rotten about that, but it’s how I feel and I can’t really help it much at the moment. Things might change, people’s attitudes change… but for now it would just be very hard for me to accept. That being said, I would not be opposed to a relationship between my wife and my friend… but that isn’t up to me. I don’t know why that would be a different situation but I love them both and the idea doesn’t seem hurtful to me… but that’s another ball of wax… another layer of complexity. From my very recent research into polyamory (which before now I have been pretty ignorant of) what I kind of seem to be aiming for is a closed triad. That would be the best possible outcome… the holy grail so to speak for me. Sadly, I just don’t know if it is possible and if not what to do…
Sure, there are couples who make polyamory work, but generally those are people who enter their marriages with those expectations. To throw something like this into an already established marriage would be nothing but disaster.
And quit thinking about yourself and start doing what a parent is supposed to do and put your children first! They absolutely deserve a devoted father who is committed to his family first and foremost.
What he said. In spades.
RUN away.
Ask someone who’s been through it. My friend, a bi female, had a “good” thing going with one of her best friends and a non-jealous husband. The whole situation wound up with the loss of said best friend and some drunken violence. As far as I could see, that situation at least (which at first appeared to be ideal) became unmanageable in a hurry. Learning from others’ mistakes is more than likely a good idea.
I like to think I am a devoted father, certainly their best interests are the primary concern here. This has also been discussed with my wife and my friend… they agree also. We’re not fools… we haven’t Done anything yet… just acknowledged what is there. I have not so much as held my friend’s hand yet… but just as I know that going ahead with a relationship is dangerous, so is keeping everything in. I don’t want to be unhappy in my marriage… I don’t want my wife to wonder if she’s second best and I only stayed with her because of our children because it would be patently untrue. I don’t want this to fester. My children deserve to have their parents in a loving and honest relationship. I want my friend to be in my kid’s lives, my daughter loves her. Even if we decide to not go forward with anything in no way am I going to lose my friend… I just don’t have enough people I care about in my life that I can throw that away. She’s going to be in my life somehow, even if it’s just a continuing friendship. We’re just trying to figure out how to deal with the messiness. I should also make an important note that currently my friend lives out of state so there is also that kind of pause right now to figure things out rationally.
Yes you are.
Your choices are [list=A][li]Lose your friend, or [*]Lose your wife, children, and your friend.[/list][/li]
And, IMO, saying “I can’t help how I feel” is picking B above.
Regards,
Shodan