Could you see yourself explaining this to your children, if not now as they are still too young, at some future date?
Because rest assured, no matter how it plays out, you are going to have to answer to them about this one day. Do you think you’re able to navigate those waters?
It seems to me you will either be modeling an unserving relationship prototype, or leading a secret life, neither of which seem fair to the children involved. Have you even considered this?
That’s my two cents anyway.
This is just idiotic.
Um, just imagine explaining this to your children.
You are making me very angry.
Then you do not bring a third party as a secondary sexual partner into a committed marriage. It will only fuck them up in the long run. It serves them no benefit whatsoever.
Baloney. That’s what grownups do – make sacrifices for their families. It’s not “dangerous” to do so. It’s not being “kept in” anymore, so now it’s time to stop thinking with your dick and start thinking of your children. Much as you protest that you are, if you are even considering this further, you are not.
Well if it’s untrue then all you have to do is live your life accordingly. Screwing some other woman on the side does absolutely nothing to honor the real love you have for your wife – it only lessens it.
Then don’t. We all have to learn how to get over things when we become grownups. Get over it.
Nobody’s saying you have to extricate her from your life.
It’s not messy, except that you’re making it so. You have the power to clean up this mess. Do the grownup thing.
Thank Og for small favors.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful and fullfilling relationship for you; or, it could be the beginning of a relationship that results in you having a pot of boiling grits thrown on you while you sleep.
I think the second possibility is the more probable.
Well… I’d like to thank everyone for their input. It seems pretty unanimous. It was just something I wanted to share more than anything… I know the realities of the situation, I guess I should have known better to post a question when I know the answer.
It sounds to me an awful lot like the OP wants to do this, intends to do this and wants to get everyone’s thumbs up. Or if I were more cynical, I’d say he wants to brag somewhat, and thinking that this is some kinda cool thing, show us all how cool he’d be to pull this off.
Anytime, anyone brings up some valid point about protecting the kids, or the damage there is to do to everyone here, he pops out with what he must feel is a justification, or argument for going ahead with this.
Jeebus man, if you’re going to jump into something so obviously tricky to pull off and fraught with danger signs, then just go do it and don’t pretend to be asking our opinions.
On the other hand, to be even more cynical, if this is all BS and you just want to float a fantasy by us, then the hell with you for wasting people’s time and getting them all worked up by having them “argue” this with you.
Sit back and picture for a moment:
A year has passed and-
Your wife and children are no longer with you. They are living in another State and you have limited contact.
It has not turned out as you have imagined and your friend, hurt in the conflict, is gone also.
Your sitting and thinking of the times when you had a happy home and a family around you.
Many people here whom I have found to be sensible and open-minded have said don’t do it.
I agree
mr bus guy sure has a knack for hitting the nail right smack on the head…
Ok… I’ve tried to take my medicine with some humility because I was after all the one who posted. It’s only fair. I did want a dose of reality I suppose because sue me, I was a bit taken with the idea that it could happen. I wanted to make sure I gave at least enough pertinent details so that I could get semi informed advice, I did not mean to justify anything. As for bragging, thinking with my dick ect… holy friggin christ on a pogo stick… I said I hadn’t done anything with my friend. I am not by nature a sexually ambitious person. Counting my wife I’ve had two partners… i’ve always been very cautious about this sort of thing. I’m not jumping into anything. I just wanted to use this message board to share something that is totally out of the ordinary for me. I had thought I might get some nuanced answers or personal antectdotes about similar situations. I fully realise how fucked up this is and how stupid it is of me to have gotten to this place. As I’ve said, if I had a more typical relationship with my wife I probably would have dealt with my feelings alone and kept up the status quo. I felt at the time that it was better to share with the involved parties, and quite frankly since I know them and you people do not you’ll just have to take my word that it was a well considered decision. This has been 5 years in the making afterall… hardly rash. I’m not Moving anywhere… my life is here and my place is with my children and wife. That’s not even a consideration. I do appreciate the advice from everyone, I just didn’t anticipate it being quite so harsh I suppose.
I’m just not so certain that there is too much holding this marriage together in the first place. It sounds like your wife and yourself have fallen into a very deep and co-dependant friendship. A nice thing and all, but not a marriage. I suspect that maybe your wife is hoping that you can be let down gently and move on while still loving and supporting the kids. Sans kids, your wife would be saying right now “Go ahead lokij, go after her. I think we’ve just about run our course here, and I still want to be friends.”
I think you’re looking at a sensible and non-acromonious divorce followed by a long term friendship/parenthood with your wife. You’ll probably even live within a couple blocks of each other.
That’s if everything goes right.
If everything goes wrong, I’ll defer to Mr. Bus Guy.
Um, yeah. Pardon my naturally-suspicious nature, but your wife seems too accepting of the concept. Is it just possible that she has a GF herself, or wishes she did, and is thinking of making things fair between you by letting you have one too?
Yes, you do have to give your friend the “just friends” talk, but that may not be the end of your problems even so.
lokij, you’ve been around here for 4 years and you didn’t expect Straight Dopers to hit you right between the eyes with the cold, hard facts? If we mollycoddle you, you go away thinking you’ve got some wiggle room to justify a really bonehead thing to do to your wife, your children and the future of your family. Your wife is pregnant, for og’s sake!
I appreciate that you know all the parties and made what you felt was the right decision to be up front and honest about verbalizing your feelings. Fine. Now that it’s out, you can allow yourself to feel some sense of relief that you aren’t keeping secrets. Beyond that, the advice here has simply been, Don’t Do Anything ELSE. It’s really that simple.
Best of luck to you. I fear you’re going to need it.
I’ve heard that plenty of times before.
Clock is ticking, Dubba J.
Well, I certainly expected straight answers not necessarily to have my motives questioned or to be insulted… but eh… like I said I asked for it. ;>
I suppose it depends on what you define as marriage… and that’s philosophy really. I honestly don’t know, that’s why I’m asking questions and feeling things out. If you Are right and she does feel that way, then I have to know that too sooner or later. I hope that’s not the case, I don’t Think it is but it’s a valid possibility and more along the lines of the kind of feedback I had in mind when I started this thread. Thanks.
(bolding mine)
Here’s where you lose me: Why does your wife’s sexual preference have anything to do with this? Has she in the past, or does she now, see women for sexual activities?
You haven’t said she does. You said you couldn’t stand the thought of her being with someone else, but does that “someone” mean male only?
If your wife already sees a woman for sexual purposes every now and then, that fact could change the whole perspective here. If she doesn’t and hasn’t, then does she want to?
As Nurse Carmen alluded to, you may be on the verge of big-time changes in your life, whether your friend is in the picture or or not.
Best of luck, whatever happens.
Tell ya what. When you actually ARE either myself or supervenusfreak, you get to speak for our relationship. At present, however, you don’t know either one of us or how we interact. Besides that, all generalizations are false. (Yes, I know…that was a generalization. It’s the exception.)
You know, it’s not really relevant… I suppose I just mentioned it to give some background. It’s part of who she is, another part of why she’s not exactly a typical spouse. She has in the past, before we became involved with each other, seen women for sexual activities. Since we have been married she has struggled with this but had come to terms with it some time ago. Now, another facet of our relationship is the fact that she has expressed some guilt because when she came into our marriage she was far more experienced than I… she sort of felt she unfairly snatched me up before I had a chance to sow my oats so to speak. I’m not the oat sowing type however and it’s extremely likely had she not met me my experiences would not have been significantly different anyway, but she feels that way. She just doesn’t have the same attitudes about sex that I do, for her sex is just a fun activity… love has very little if anything to do with it. I find her hard to understand and she finds me hard to get… that’s part of what’s made our relationship interesting I suppose. ;>
lokij, I *know * there are a few other polyamorous Dopers around. Why they haven’t chosen to speak up, I’m not sure. Maybe they’re shy, or maybe they’re not sure what the thread is about.
I can’t speak for you or your situation. You asked for advice, but you’re asking in a culture/time/country when monogamy is the norm.
My advice? Repost this in IMHO. Entitle it something like “Question for polyamorous Dopers - how did you make it work?” Or something like that.
What you’re trying to do is extremely difficult but I don’t see where you’ve failed to realize that. I do worry about your kids and think they should be your number one priority but I also don’t think there’s any reason to be 100 % negative. Try to get some insight from other people who have been there, like jayjay.
Don’t know what Dubba J. means, but since you know so much about everyone else’s relationship, care to speak on mine? I shouldn’t even need to tell you about it, right?