I like Busta Chi Chi, but rarely have I ever come remotely as close as I do here to agreeing 100% with anything he’s ever posted.
If you couldn’t handle your wife getting it on with another person of either gender, then don’t do it. Not because of how she may or may not feel, but because in your heart you will know it’s wrong for YOU to do. You’ll be in violation of your own code. In the end, the only person you ever have to answer to is yourself. Ask yourself what you will accept morally and go with that answer.
Yes, I’m picking nits, but I doubt the wife’s bisexuality is why she is willing to open the marriage. She may be polyamorous or on the way to it, but bisexuality !=open relationships. I should know.
Sorry. That was really bugging me.
It’s the kids that bother me more than anything, should something physical ensue. I was in a situation with a married couple who had two children. The couple wanted me to move in with them, which naturally made me wonder who they would tell the children I was.
Your wife’s attitude toward sex (not really connecting it with love), lokij, is probably why she’s willing to (I don’t want to say “let”, but what else can I use?) let you seek sex with someone else. If you’re not that kind of person, it’s natural to find it odd.
Is your marriage happy? Or is it just not not-unhappy?
I may be reading it wrong, but it doesn’t look like you really want to go through with this.
Just run. You aren’t doing anyone any favours by getting involved with you friend. Marriage is about commitment, so you should be commited to your wife. And even more commited to yuor children. How do you think they would feel if your marriage broke up because you wanted to validate yourself by having some sort of intimate relationship with your so-called friend? They would definately NOT be willing to understand.
If your friend was a true friend, she would have walked away by now as well, considering you are married with children and by just admitting that she has feelings for you as well, puts her in the position of contributing to the end of your marriage.
You say that you’ve had these feelings for 5 years? Why haven’t you divorced your wife and pursued this relationship as a single man? Instead you have continued your marriage and are now about to bring another child into the world.
I don’t mean to sound old-fashioned, because open-relationships are cool in my books. But open means that both parties would consent to the other having an intimate relationship with someone else. You do not consent to that.
IANA polyamourous person, but I had some casual fun with more than one sexual partner in my colorful past.
Here’s my take on the whole triad thing…
Whether it is a casual sexual romp a la menage a trois or three people having a commitment ceremony and all moving in together, or anything in between, there is one crucial ground rule that must ALWAYS be true or else the whole thing will collapse.
At any moment, you must theoretically be able to take any of the individuals out of the equation…whether it be for 5 minutes while you run to take dinner out of the oven while your wife and your friend are having sex without you…or for 5 months while your wife goes to live with an ill family member, leaving you and your friend together…or for 5 years while you decide you want to backpack across South America to rediscover your soul, leaving your wife and your friend together. You have to imagine what it would be like if any of you were not be part of the here and now and still have everyone comfortable and happy with the resulting situation.
That being said, it is a rare and often transient alignment of the planets, in my (very rare, transient, brief, casual) experiences, and in those of people I know (both brief and casual and otherwise).
This is assuming no kids are involved too. It is difficult enough without kids involved. I don’t have a formula that can accomodate them as a variable, but I have known kids who I think were of the calibre that would be able to accept and thrive in such situations.