I've Got an Idea for an Effective Anti-Drug Commercial: A Very Circumspect Rant

The BBQ Pit
1

You want to keep kids from doing drugs? Forget the “you’re helping the terrorists” bullshit. Severely brain damaged crackheads can spot the holes in that logic. What you gotta tell kids are the real risks they face if they do drugs, even “innocent” stuff like marijuanna.

For example, if you smoke pot, you might land a huge combo in Tony Hawk 4, and get so excited you knock over your oft-used-but-seldom-cleaned bong. Right into your lap. And all over your Magic cards. And the remotes to the TV and stereo. And a pile of CDs. To say nothing of the carpet. All soaked in nasty, black, stinky bongwater.

See, now that’s the sort of thing that’ll keep kids today sober.

On a completely unrelated note, I’d just like to say:

FUCK!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go change my pants and buy some air-fresheners. Not for any particular reason, mind you. Just feel like it.

2

Your ideas intrigue me, i’d like to buy two of whatever it is that you are selling.

3

“Ok kids, this is what you sound like when you do drugs.”
(Play a recording of Grace Slick singing ‘White Rabbit’)

“And this, kids, is what you’ll sound like after you kick that nasty drug habit.”
(Play ‘We Built this City on Rock and Roll’)

“So you see, kids… wait a minute… uhh, lemme get back to you on this. [sub]Hey where did we put those Elvis tapes?[/sub]”

4

You are living inside a Pauly Shore movie. Hell, you may have become Pauly Shore.

5

And that’s the best reason not to use drugs I can think of.

6

Miller, need a towel?

7

Well, how many points did you get for the combo? Was it worth it?

8

<looks on with longing>

9

Yeah, last night I saw two anti-, um, anti-something commercials.

The first one seemed to be a screed against leaving loaded guns lying around a house with teenage boys in it. A couple of boys are playing in dad’s study, getting stoned, and one of them finds this gun lying around, points it at his friend, and pulls the trigger, killing his stoned friend.

Let’s take two scenarios:

  1. Kids are stoned; no loaded guns are lying around the house.
  2. Kids aren’t stoned; loaded guns are lying around the house.

Which scenario leads to the kid being killed? Hmm.

Second commercial made a little (eensy-bit) more sense. Two teens at a party, both stoned; one decides, apparently, to rape the other.

Okay, possible. But beer’s a lot likelier to lead to rape than pot is; pot’s likely to lead to the kids sitting around giggling at one another, or falling asleep. The lesson of this commercial is, don’t get stoned around potential rapists.

The bongwater commercial, however. Now that’s some scary shit.

Daniel

10

Coincidentally, both of those commercials aired while I was composing this rant. The second one was particularly interesting, as it highlights the heretofore unknown paralytic properties of marijuana. You can hear the girl saying “no,” but she is apparently unable to move enough to get that guys hand out of her shirt. Oddly, the tag to the commercial is that marijuana affects your judgement. But clearly the girl is against what’s happening to her. So, apparently, the commercial is not aimed at defenceless young girls, but all the potential rapists (i.e. “guys”) out there who only need a couple of tokes before their judgement is imparied to the point that they commit sexual assault in the living room in the middle of a huge party.

Which is just one more reason I’m glad that I never, ever do drugs. Or play Tony Hawk 4. But if I did either, and it hypothetically led to me knocking over a bong that I, of course, do not own, then the trick would have been worth about 53,000 points. Just to answer Maeglin’s assuredly hypothetical question about my hypothetical scenario.