Continuing my series of articles about what life would be like if the bad-guys from Jack Chick comics were placed in the roles of the good-guys and the good guys acted like Jack Chick’s idea of bad-guys…everything would be Topsy-Turvy!!![sup]*[/sup]
So here’s The Jack Chick of Hallowe’en
Panel 1:* A group of dour Christians are preparing for a prayer vigil on Hallowe’en night. Two of them, Sissy and Dirk (poster-children for the heart of Whiteness) are talking (there are several other dour Christians…racially balanced and all somehow '70’s looking. The black guy in particular should have a BIG afro and bell-bottoms. Dirk, clearly “groovy” should be wearing a turtleneck and a vest). Sissy dresses like Marsha Brady…'nuff said?*
Dirk: Gosh Sissy, I hope our prayer vigil will help people realize how WRONG Hallowe’en is.
Sissy: Yes Dirk! Our prayer vigil will show them the light
Panel 2:* As the group of dour Christians continues to discuss the issue, a two more people, Hecate and Theophrastus, meander over.*
Dirk: And maybe this vigil will show all those Satanists that there’s a better way to celebrate Hallowe’en than their Satanic rituals!
Sissy: Pagans are soooooo square!
(It should be clear from Sissy’s expression that “square” is one of the worst things in the world to be)
Panel 3:* Close shot of Theophrastus and Hecate (over Sissy and Dirk’s shoulders). Both are well groomed. Hecate has long hair and BIG round glasses. She’s wearing a lot of silver jewelry, and Theophrastus has longish, but well groomed hair. a black turtleneck, a pentacle around his neck. He looks a lot like John Lennon from his “granny glasses” period. *
Hecate: That’s just not so! Pagans are as groovy as they get!
Theophrastus: Pagans invented grooviness!
Dirk and Sissy: GASP!
Panel 4:* Long shot. Side view of all four people, with onlooking crowd in background. Pagans on the left, Christians on the right, a microcosm somehow…*
Sissy: You witches and warlocks are just Satanists and use Halloween to trap Christians into SATANISM!
Hecate: That’s just not true! Halloween came from the ancient Druid holiday of Samhain, which was about honoring the dead. marking the close of harvest and the initiation of the winter season. Samhain marks the Pagan New Year’s eve. It is a time spent celebrating death, fertility, and renewal. The autumn leaves, cornstalks, apples, and nuts which are so much a part of the Halloween season are reminders of the Druids’ autumn festival in honor of the harvest.
Panel 5:* Close-up of Theophrastus, looking earnest.*
Theophrastus: The Roman Catholic Church attempted to Christianize the pagan festival of ‘Samhain’ (pronounced sow-in) by adopting November 1 as All-Saints Day or All-Hallows Day - a time to remember those that have passed away. All Saint’s (Hallows) Day was first introduced in the 7th century. So “Halloween” was STOLEN by CHRISTIANS!
Panel 6:* Long shot again. All the Christians are shocked. *
Everyone (but the Pagans): GASP!!
Panel 7:* Side shot of Sissy and Hecate. Close-up of both their faces, in a point-counterpoint pose. Sissy is angry, and Hecate has a peaceful, tranquil expression.*
Sissy: But…Halloween is about honoring the Druid “god” Samhain and sacrificing people. It was a night of TERROR!
Hecate: Not true. Samhain means “Summer end.” Like Theophrastus said, it’s a fetility and harvest festival. We’re trying to take it back from the Christians who stole it from US!
Panel 8:* Same as panel 6. Can even be Xeroxed and pasted.*
Everyone (but the Pagans): GASP!!!
Panel 9:* Dirk is troubled…Theo has his arm around Dirk’s shoulder in a comrade-ly way. *
Dirk: But…if Christians stole Halloween…what else might we have stolen?
Theophrastus: Christmas, which was Yuletide and Easter which came from Eostre, another pagan holiday.
Dirk: Then Christianity is…wrong!
Panel 10:* Closeup on Hecate again*
Hecate: Yes. It is. But it’s not too late. You can give up your dour Christian ways and become a merry Pagan!
Panel 11:* Decisive expression on Sissy’s face! She takes off her cross (NOT!!! A CRUCIFIX! That would be pro-Papist! We can’t have that!) and throws it on the ground. In the background, Dirk is amazed, but happy.*
Sissy: Then I’m going to become a Pagan too!
Dirk: Me TOO!
Panel 12:* Long horizontal panel: Everyone’s happy! Everyone has their arms around everyone else’s shoulder as the sun sets behind them.*
Theophrastus: Now let’s go celebrate Halloween…or should I say Samhain…the right way!
Dirk: Great! Hey…now that I’m a Pagan, do I get to pray naked?
Theophrastus (laughs): HEY, EAGER-BEAVER! You need to walk before you start to run!
Panel 13* Camera pulls back and everyone’s sillouhetted against the setting sun:*
Everyone: HA-HA-HA!
The End!
Fenris Chick
[sup]*[/sup]Note: I know that nobody acts this way and I don’t think that A) Pagans talk that way B) Christians talk that way and I realize that I’m not being wildly accurate in portraying anyone’s beliefs. This is a take-off of a Jack Chick Comic! That’s the whole point!
