Jack Chick's "Dark Dungeons" - The classics stay fresh forever!

rjung · April 27, 2004, 8:39pm

Probably dig around the kitchen for some Fritos while waiting for the GM to let him roll up a new character.

“In the fridge, duh!”

Menocchio · April 27, 2004, 8:59pm

Oh yeah. According in JTC generic magic/occultism, as seen in D&D, more serious occult studies, and TV fluff like “Bewitched” actually works. Hey, it turns out that praying to Pagan deities also works too.

It’s all Satanic, of course, and will condemn your eternal soul to Hell. But that’s true for the 99.5% of the population that doesn’t bow down before Jack’s particularly psychotic vision of Christ, no matter how moral they are, so you might as well ahve some fun and learn “mind bondage” (kinky!) while you’re here.

Oh, and Satanists run all governments and police departments, and they kill thousands (millions?) every year.

Also werewolves are real. And they work for the Vatican.

Homebrew · April 27, 2004, 9:08pm

While I don’t doubt that ol’ Chick believes in Werewolves in the employ of the Vatican, do you have a link to which tract that’s in. There’s no way I’m going to thumb through them all looking for it.

Doomtrain · April 27, 2004, 9:10pm

50,000 pieces of silver? God is such a damn Santa Claus DM. First the easy rez of Jesus, now this…

SolGrundy · April 27, 2004, 11:23pm

Now I wish I’d played D&D in school. Who knew that DM’s were so hot?

HPL · April 28, 2004, 12:51am

“Roll to see if I’m getting drunk!”

“Are there any chicks in the bar? If so, I wanna do them!”

HPL · April 28, 2004, 12:53am

Are you serious? Do you remember if the tract?

If so, Mr. Chick has completely flipped his lid(moreso).

HPL · April 28, 2004, 12:54am

Crap! That should be “Do you remember the tract?”

Homebrew · April 28, 2004, 3:24am

Psst, HPL, I’m pretty sure Menocchio was exaggerating at that point of his post and I was just playin’ along.

But then will Chick, you never know.

astro · April 28, 2004, 4:23am

Stop kidding yourselves! It’s time for Straight Talk on
Dungeons and Dragons

Dungeons and Dragons is a tragic and tangled subject. It is essentially a feeding program for occultism and witchcraft. For Christians, the first scriptural problem is the fact that Dungeons and Dragons violates the commandment of I Ths. 5:22 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” Much of the trappings, art, figurines, and writing within D&D certainly appears evil-to say the least of it.

On top of that, the second issue is that the materials themselves, in many cases, contain authentic magical rituals. I can tell you this from my own experience. I was a witch high priest (Alexandrian tradition) during the period 1973-84. During some of that period (1976-80) I was also involved in hardcore Satanism. We studied and practiced and trained more than 175 people in the Craft. Our “covendom” was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; just a short drive away from the world headquarters of TSR, the company which makes Dungeons and Dragons in Lake Geneva, WI. In the late 1970’s, a couple of the game writers actually came to my wife and I as prominent “sorcerers” in the community. They wanted to make certain the rituals were authentic. For the most part, they are.

These two guys sat in our living room and took copious notes from us on how to make sure the rituals were truly right “from the book,” (this meaning that they actually came from magic grimoires or workbooks). They seemed satisfied with what they got and left us thankfully.

Back in 1986, a fellow appeared on The 700 Club who was a former employee and game writer for TSR. He testified right on the show that he got into a wrangle with the management there because he saw that the rituals were too authentic and could be dangerous. He protested to his boss and was basically told that this was the intent—to make the games as real as possible. He felt conscience-stricken (even though he was not a Christian at the time), and felt he had to resign from the company

jayjay · April 28, 2004, 4:46am

Heh. Bill Schnoebelen has quite a history. He’s Chick’s favorite former Catholic priest/former Wiccan priest/former Mason/former Satanist/ex-Illuminatus.

Blalron · April 28, 2004, 7:20am

Don’t forget former Mormon. Sure took him a long time to find the right religion. :rolleyes:

Innanna · April 28, 2004, 7:49am

From astro’s quoted material:

Wisconson is the hotbed of Satanism?? I thought it was just the home of cheese and people with big coats. Huh. I guess you really do learn something every day.

SolGrundy · April 28, 2004, 7:59am

Oh geez, ya! Ya jus gotta pay yer respects to da Dark Lord, don’t ya know.

jayjay · April 28, 2004, 8:01am

Oh, goodness! If you don’t follow Satan’s Whey, the Dark Lord will curds your soul forever…

DoctorJ · April 28, 2004, 10:41am

And I don’t see a two-liter of Mountain Dew anywhere.

RikWriter · April 28, 2004, 11:07am

If you think the Chick tracts are funny, you should try reading the full-length comic books he used to put out. Good Lord, those were a hoot…the man is totally round the bend.

sturmhauke · April 28, 2004, 11:13am

You people better stay away from me. Even though I’m semi-retired from my DM days, I still wield all the dark power of the Lower Planes through the forbidden knowledge of the DMG. And now with the power of the Internet, I can cast my corrupted spells straight into your home, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Muhahahahah!

DeadlyAccurate · April 28, 2004, 12:59pm

You know, I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I just can’t seem to get magic missile to work correctly.

Magic Missile
Evocation [Force]
Level: Sor/Wiz 1
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Medium (100 ft. + 10 ft./level)
Targets: Up to five creatures, no two of which can be more than 15 ft. apart
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: Yes
A missile of magical energy darts forth from your fingertip and strikes its target, dealing 1d4+1 points of force damage.
The missile strikes unerringly, even if the target is in melee combat or has less than total cover or total concealment. Specific
parts of a creature can’t be singled out. Inanimate objects are not damaged by the spell.
For every two caster levels beyond 1st, you gain an additional missile-two at 3rd level, three at 5th, four at 7th, and the
maximum of five missiles at 9th level or higher. If you shoot multiple missiles, you can have them strike a single creature or
several creatures. A single missile can strike only one creature. You must designate targets before you check for spell
resistance or roll damage.

OK, so I point my fingers and say the magic word, but nothing comes out. They worked so hard on getting it accurate, and damn it, I’m just not learning real magic. What am I doing wrong?

Menocchio · April 28, 2004, 1:02pm

I think it’s impossible to exaggerate Chick’s beliefs, Homebrew. I should be doing work involving an HIV vaccine, but this is more important (or fun, I get those words mixed up some times)

From “He Came to Set the Captives Free”, 1986 a confession by an Ex-wife of Satan (not kidding)

Rebecca also relates when she encountered a werewolf. “I sat there in horror at the most incredibly ugly and fierce creature I had ever seen. I felt as if I was drowning in the pure evil power that radiated from him. He threw back his head and howled- a terrifying sound which I shall never forget…I extended my right hand to point directly at him and cried out, ‘STOP! In the name of Jesus Christ who is God almighty! It is not my master’s will for me to die now. You may not touch me for I have work yet to do.’ The werwolf (sic) stopped in his tracks, unable to move, snarling and growling in fury.” Gosh, without silver bullets handy, this did the trick. Rebecca continues on the dilemma of killing a werewolf. “Much has been written about various methods of effectively killing werwolves while they are in their wolf form.” Really? Where in the American Medical Journal, Dr. Brown, can we find this? No matter, for she continues, “I would never consider even trying such a thing because in so doing I would be killing a human who’s salvation is my deepest concern. Also, once such a person is killed, the demon would leave the body immediately and then the body would return to its human form. That, of course, would present a most awkward situation because who would believe that the dead body was ever in a different form? The killer would most certainly be accused of murder, and rightly so.”

I remember a more direct connection of werewolf to Vatican, I thought it was a lycanthrope assassin’s attempt on Alberto’s (Chick’s tame ex-Jesuit) life, but I could have been misremembering.