So yesterday I’m waiting in line at Burger King to try the new VeggieBurger™, trying hard not to fly into a blind and righteous rage at the Vulgar Teenage Conversation™ I hear behind me.
A sample, submitted for your perusal:
Vulgar Teen #1: “Dude, I can’t wait to see the ‘Jackass’ movie this weekend. It is gonna be so awesome!”
Vulgar Teen #2: “Yeah man, it’s gonna fucking rock! Those guys are awesome! 'Member that one episode where they, like, did a bunch of stupid shit and somebody got, like, really hurt?”
Vulgar Teen #1: “Yeah, that kicked ass! Uh, wait, dude- which episode?”
(First a disclaimer for those of you in the under-20 crowd waiting to jump down my throat: I know not all teenagers are like this. I know not all teenagers talk like this, nor do they all talk in an ear-splittingly loud teen patois of grunts interspersed with misplaced obscenities. I know many of you are responsible, intelligent, and just as disgusted by the behavior of some of your peers as I am. This rant is meant in no way to cast aspersion on all teenagers- indeed, I take issue with these folks regardless of age. I just selected my vulgar teen example because, well, that’s what set me off.)
So now I picture these two and some thousands of their near-identical compatriots converging on theatres all weekend in a foul, ‘Tommy’-scented human wave, causing untold horror in the population at large.
And I can just imagine this movie:
Man on screen launches himself head-first at a brick wall.
“Ha, ha, ha! That guy is cool!” exclaim the morons in the audience, for whom the film was made. “He did something stupid and hurt himself. Let’s give him money!”
This movie is based on a tv show that, from what I can gather, consists of nothing but filmed incidents which lead to one or more of the show’s “stars” being injured. And all these injuries are a direct result of stupid and reckless behavior.
Now, if you want to dive head-first into the shallow end of a swimming pool, more power to you, my brain-damaged friend. I respect your right to behave as you wish provided you cause no injury or loss of property to another. If you are an adult of sound mind, I will not stand in your way.
Nor will I bitch if you are getting paid, for some unfathomable reason, to do this. Hey, if you have no other marketable skills…well, we all gotta eat, right?
But I will bitch and I will moan, yea, I will lament even unto the firmament of heaven, the mass of my fellow humans who somehow feel this is high entertainment. The people lining up at theatres across this great nation ready to fork over $7+ for the privilege of watching a bunch of grown men injure themselves through their own stupidity and deliberate recklessness.
And out of the depths, I cry to You, O Lord: “What the fuck?!?”
It’s not the laughter- while I personally disapprove of taking delight in the grievous bodily harm of a fellow creature, I understand some of us feel differently.
And it’s not the money- as I said, we all have to eat, and anyway, if you earned it, you can spend it on whatever you damn well please.
It is the strange, perverse admiration so many seem to feel for these ‘Jackass’ people. As though deliberate stupidity and a willingness to override one’s inherent genetic tendency to avoid injury is somehow a good and honorable thing, worthy of praise and respect, and a tv show.
What? Where are our priorities? Since when is it cool to do amazingly retarded things? To sustain injury through deliberate recklessness for its own sake? To set out to injure oneself for the sheer brainless rush it must assumedly cause, and to the delight and approval of millions of equally brain-dead audience members? What the hell is wrong here?
I am now going to make a bold and controversial statement. Prepare yourselves.
Ahem. If you think acting like a fool and getting hurt is somehow cool and admirable, you are a fucking moron.
I have spoken. And I will stand by my assertion that anyone who finds this sort of swill the height of creativity clearly bears upon their forehead the clumsy bootprint of a lesser god.
Having said my piece, I’m off to ride a shopping cart down a 45 degree incline to the joy and admiration of my neighbors. If things work out, maybe I’ll get a movie, too. If I can still move my legs.