Jester vs. Saepiroth ARENA COMBAT

yes! this ARENA COMBAT is arising to take the events occuring over here from affecting the masses. also, it provides all people here free access to barcalounger stadium seating, all seats equipped with matter generators, providing free snacks and drinks. the arena is ringed with an invulnerable force field, to protect you all and to keep either of us away from the matter generators, which we might use to create weapons or something.

mostly, it is here in the pit so that we might use hurting, painful taunts without being in trouble.

and now, the fight…

if you remember, jester, i had just developed Superpowers and you had just gotten into a cardboard suit.


Bah! My first Pit thread, and I am appalled that it had to be started by a puny Doper such as yourself.

I am now bound by honor to fight you, Saepiroth. The proverbial glove has slapped my proverbial face, and you destroyed my concession stand to boot. But if you will notice, even now, as we fight, workers from Jester’s House o’ Eats are selling concessions to the people up in the stands!

For you see, Saepiroth

Ye can take me stand, but ye’ll nevah take…me profits!!!

But let’s dispose of these paltry special effects, no? Be civilised about this.
<pulls the plug to the lamp that Saepiroth has been using to give himself a supernatural glow>

The ball is in your court, boy. I accept your challenge.

Now are you going to flame me, or what?

hey! my lamp…

that was an antique!

oh well. shining pure silver from my MAGIC METALLIC SKIN is just as good as shining golden from an incandescent lightbulb.

my court? not yet… you are still unprotected, wearing a cardboard suit… didn’t you read my post in the other place? i mean, this isn’t any mere flame war… this is a raging anime showdown, you stinky smear of miserly CREEPINESS! (so i’m not good at flames. sue me.)

[sub]P.S. all you people up in the stands: press the buttons on the sides of your seats! you don’t need to buy from him! i am providing free snacks of ANY TYPE YOU WANT! partake of my snacks! give him not your patronage!

Ummm, what about those of us who brought our own snacks? [sup][sub](Mmmmm, chocolate-frosted graham crackers)[/sub][/sup] Who do we root for? [sup][sub](Oh, these saltwater taffies are a dream come true!)[/sub][/sup] Are we even allowed to bring our own snacks? [sup][sub](You simply must sample these amarettis)[/sub][/sup] Hey, dammit! I paid for this seat! [sup][sub](This ice cream cake is pure heaven)[/sub][/sup] Let go of me! Don’t drag me out of here…

::Is escorted out while kicking and screaming and eating by two muscular bouncers. Tries to flirt with bouncers. Bouncers kick her out anyway:::

damn vigilante mercenary bouncers…

::incinerates bouncers::

of course you can bring your own snacks! if you want, put some in the matter generator to be analyzed, and you can have an infinite supply of them!

and, who charged you for a seat? they are SUPPOSED to be free…


Jester, tell your mind-slave to move the portable turnstile… jeez! you really are evil…

Glove slap, baby, glove slap

[sub]Ok sorry, I’m leaving now…[/sub]

[James Whale]

Nothing of importance…just two old man, slapping each other with lilies.

[/James Whale]

You can’t fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!

[/Dr. Strangelove]

Anyone else read that as “Jesus vs. Saepiroth: ARENA COMBAT!” and get really excited?

Well, I’d pay to see it…

maybe next time, mabe next time. He hasn’t done anything mean like Jester has, anyway.
i mean, it wasn’t Jesus who’s been mentally reprogramming me repeatedly over the last two weeks, in an epic battle spanning three boards, now has he?

Go Jester! Go Jester! It’s your birthday; It’s your birthday

(getting up to do the wave)

::comes back, wearing a large trenchcoat and a wig::

Heh, they’ll never find these snacks underneath this huge trenchcoat. And I’m so inconspicuous!

::leans over to neighbor, chewing loudly in his ear::
“So…<munch, munch>…who’s winnin’? [to stage] Go Jester! Nice right hook. Stay up, saepiroth! You’ll get him back. [to neighbor] Hey…you want a Slim Jim? Onion rings?”

::spots bouncers coming back; leans over to neighbor again::

“Hey, ummm, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Make sure no one takes my seat, 'kay?”

::sneaks out the door before bouncers see her::

stay! stay! you need not run! those AREN’T REAL BOUNCERS! they are just Jester’s evil zombie manneqins set into lifelike yet immoving poses! i fried the real ones! NOOOOOO… i need popular support to win this war!

and i already told you about the free snackies!
[sub] ooh, this is post three hundred! it is an omen! i WILL win this fight!

Baboon, you shouldn’t have crossed me. -Jester

(Steps into ring)


I think you dropped this when you had my building torched.

(digs into pocket)

hold on…
(adds quizical look)

I KNOW it was in here…


here it is!!!

(pulls hand out of pocket, with middle finger extended).

I do believe this is yours.
(the crowd ROARS in laughter)
(jester sits there, red faced and humiliated)

It seems to me that you are trying a little too hard, my dear saepiroth. Perhaps if you put as much energy into fighting your opponent as you do into trying to get me to stay in the seat, you would not have to worry about winning supporters.

Now, I came in here for some fighting. Gimme fighting, dammit!

After biding my time and thinking for the past day, I see that my opponent is trying too valiently, and distracting himself with housekeeping matters. Now, when he is otherwise occupied and while the tide of public support is rising at least somewhat for me (Thanks, Hamlet), it is time to strike.

You are rash, young one, and must be taught a lesson. I have spent over a year wandering this board, studying the fighting styles of a number of the board masters. Now, I fear that I have no choice but to unleash them upon you.
First, as a diversion, I invoke the song-fighting art of Fenrate, inspired by a true board legend.

Saepiroth, a song by Jester.
(Sung to the tune of “Buttercup”)

WHY do you think you’re tough,
(Think you’re tough),
Saepiroth, baby
When it’s clear you’re not,
(Clear you’re not)
You must be on pot.
I wonder if,
(Wonder if)
You’d be talkin so fast, hey
If my shoe was shoved
(shoe was shoved)
Up your lily ass.
Hey you’ll lose
(Yeah you’ll lose)
If you piss me off saepie,
I’ve known this fact right from the sta-art,
So don’t think you’re tough,
(Think you’re tough)
Else I’ll rip out your hee-art,
(Rip out your heart!)
<bows shortly>

But there is no time to waste. While you are still stunned by my Fenrate, I shall unleash a flurry of attacks learned from masters the whole board over!

First, the chocolate-fueled power of the Tubako and Lynnkate arts of fighting!

Next, jab after jab of cunning witticisms in the style of Ukelele Ike-Kwan-Do!

Followed by the deadly Forskin-do slices of the dark master Taylor-san!

And finally, the discipline which I swore I would never use except in the direst of circumstances. I find myself forced to unleash the pure destructive power of the…Jarbaby-lotus method!

You cockwrenching assgoblin, I should take you out back and fuck you with the nearest pubemower! I swear to God, I’ve never seen a pusrivet as truly revolting as yourself since Mark Wahlberg in “Planet of the Apes”! Why don’t you just scoot down under the nearest pile of feces, you fucking cum-sucking silly straw!

<Stands in the wake of the destruction, thinking of an appropriate finishing move>

There is only one way that can end this. One move so secret, so concise, so precious that it can disable an attacker in one strike.

In the spirit of the great Wally-san, I finish you with the single-strike method handed down over the ages…


You have much to learn, grasshopper.

<performs a bow to his fallen opponent, turns and walks out of the ring>

<stops to look at Bad News Baboon>
Would you like to be next?

you don’t scare me, clown boy!

ha! you fool…

don’t you know that insults have no effect on the mildly insane and half deaf?

of which i am both?

*me throws rock at Jester’s head.

*me kicks unconscious Jester in the pebbles.

hmph… don’t you know better than to bring an “Insult-skillfully-and-tactfully, whittling away at their resolve” knife to a “throw-a-rock-at-someone’s-head-and-then-kick-him-in-the-pebbles” gun fight?

[sub] though the song almost overcame my aural resistance…