Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs!

The BBQ Pit
1

Or, bumper-sticker hell.

As I was driving over to my folk’s house for Father’s Day, I was stuck behind someone who expressed their entire life via bumperstickers.

The first was the oddest.

“Hmmmm” Thinks I “Jesus, in Christian theology, is the only begotten son of God, fully divine and fully human. Part of the Trinity. One who’s blood-sacrifice redeems sinners.”

“So” I continue thinking "What’s progress? Hmmm…a vaccine that cures childhood lukemia isn’t Jesus. But I would have thought it to be progress…

A non-polluting hydrogen powered sports-car that can go from 0-90 in 2.1 seconds, has jet-assissted VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) for those hard-to-get-at city parking spots AND can give you blowjobs when parked is pretty much the definition of progress. That’s not Jesus, though. If Jesus was a non-polluting hydrogen power car, it would’ve been hard to nail his wrists to the cross, as cars don’t have wrists. And with VTOL, he coulda just flown off.

Robot Monkey Butlers. I think that if every single person in the world had a robotic monkey-butler or two, the world would be a better, happier place and again, would define the word “progress” (and MY robotic monkey-butler just agreed “Just so, sir” he said!). But Christ ALSO isn’t a robotic monkey-butler, (he couldn’t be: robotic monkey-butlers don’t have blood: and no-one says “The 10W40 of Christ washes clean our sins.”)"

So apparently either I, or this bumper sticker is confused as to the nature of the Son of God. I’m guessing it’s them.

Also on this person’s car was the ever popular
**

To which I keep thinking “If that’s true, I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the tax office when they get your W2s!”

He (or she) also had the ever-tolerant
**

I thought we were all God’s chilluns. Are you saying God didn’t make Steve? But my real name is Steve. < sobs > Why was I cursed with a name that tells the world that God didn’t make me?! WHY??? (So…if God didn’t make me, what am I? A golem? No words written on MY forehead!)

Oh, and sir or madam? I must say: Your car may explode, given that, elsewhere on the bumper you have Rainbow Flag bumper sticker in the shape of a happy face. You do know that you’re sending a mixed message?

Fenris, bemused

*Said bumper-sticker irritates the hell out of me, and I’m not sure why: it’s actually fairly inoffensive.

2

Jesus may love him, but everyone else thinks he’s an asshole.

3

Hey, Toyota? Honda? Nissan? Ford? Chrysler? I hope you’re taking notes.

4

<Waiting at car. . . There he is!>
Ah, sir, are you the operator of this vehicle? I thought so! I couldn’t help but notice your enlightening bumper stickers. Since you obviously have no problem with the espousal of unpopular opinions, I would like to say that I believe the world would be a happier place if you and all your ilk put your Kool-aid where your mouths are, and demonstrated how sincerely you believe in life after death. Thank you!
<Runs away from car>

5

You know, the rest of your post is pretty much lost onme, but you are really onto something with the Robot Monkey Butler idea. WINGED Robot Monkey Butlers would be about as good as heaven on earth, I imagine.

6

I hate bumper stickers. All bumper stickers. The least offensive are the ones that are pure advertising: radio station call signs, names of bands, whatever. Those aren’t too bad. But the ones that take an enourmosly complex, usually emotional issue and boil it down to a smarmy cliche make me see red. These include:

Religous bumperstickers: It’s not that I don’t care about your religious convictions. I find it a fascinating subject and would love to have a conversation about it. But if all of your beliefs, hopes, and ideas about what life means and what happens afterward can be boiled down to one snarky little catchphrase, odds are that you aren’t worth the effort.

Charity-of-the-Month bumperstickers: I know the idea behind this is to raise awareness of the issue. “Give us twenty bucks, and we’ll give you a free bumpersticker so that everyone knows about the heartbreak of Feline Cervical Cancer.” But it looks like vanity to me. “I gave money to the Adopt-an-Eskimo Foundation! My surplus spending money makes me a morally superior person!” Of course, I have some kind of weird ideas about charity, so this is probably just a personal hangup.

Free Tibet bumperstickers: I started a rant of my own about this one a while back, but I can sum it up here to save time. To anyone sporting a Free Tibet bumpersticker: How much of your car was made in China?

Any incarnation of the Jesus fish: This is the most brutally co-opted symbol since the invention of cave painting. At first it was a cool, meaningful, spirtual symbol. That was fifteen hundred years ago. Now there’s so much antagonistic baggage attached, it’s just short hand for “Fuck you if you don’t agree with me.”

Abortion bumperstickers: Speaking of antagonistic baggage… Look, there’s a time and a place for abortion debates. Six ay-em on the freeway isn’t it. There isn’t a person in the country who doesn’t have a strong emotional response to this topic. Even if I agree with the sentiments your 'sticker is expressing, I don’t want to deal with it right now. Plus, 99% of these display so much naked hostility to the opposite side that it makes me distinctly uncomfortable just reading the damn things. If you want to actually make me think about the issue, A) don’t paint the opposition as being some sort of soulless/fascist monster. There are damned good reasons for being on either side of this issue. And B) use a format that isn’t limited by how many car-lengths away you have to be in able to read it.

Anti-drug bumperstickers: For very good reasons, which I invoke my Fifth Ammendment rights to avoid mentioning here.

“Funny” bumperstickers: For the same reason I don’t like sigs (except ones that feature quotes by me). It was (maybe) funny the first time. But every time you get in your car, it’s like you’re telling the same joke again. Over and over and over. It’s annoying when people do this in person, and only slightly less annoying when they do it by automotive proxy.

Rainbow Pride stickers: Actually, I don’t have a problem with these. I even like the very long, thin ones. They’re subtle, they make a statement, but they’re non-confrontational. Plus, their rather obscure meaning lends itself to hilarious farce, like the guy mentioned in the OP. However, I did just want to put the word out to the guy I saw the other day driving a Honda with sixteen different rainbow stickers on the back: Dude, there’s such a thing as too much pride.

Anyway, bumperstickers: Just say no.

7

And people wonder why I’ve never converted!

8

No, but he did build my hotrod.

9

best. thread. title. ever.

10

You sure about that? Because I’m positive that any guy that had one of those would be calling Jesus’s name a lot! :wink: (Hell, most of us wouldn’t get out of the damn thing!)

11

Daowajan, I wanted to post those particular four words.

Say it with me:
A Clean, Souped-up Harrier Auto-job.
Hey, my nipples are hard!

12

Sounds like you need a Catholitic converter.

13

This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, you complete utter moron. Anyone who has ever given the idea of robot monkey butlers any SERIOUS thought would know that they would have to be jet-powered. Next time, do a little research before you post something so stupid.*

  • The above post is completely in jest. I’m under the weather today, and this just struck me funny. My apologies to Brutus or anyone who might have been misled.
14

Blowjobs? If the cunnilingus feature doesn’t come standard I’m not buying (and I wouldn’t call it progress :slight_smile: )

15

>> Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs!

Did you study theology formally or on your own time?

16

Can I get my Jesus in cobalt blue, with a black leather interior and a sports shift?

17

This is hilarious mostly because I consider “Steve” (not Steven or any other derivative) to be one of the funniest names in existence.

18

On behalf of all the men I have to say, cunnilingus is the optional extra.

19

Personally, I decided a long time ago that God made me, took a good look at the result, and decided to blame someone else.

20

So you have to request it specifically and put up with all the other crap that comes with it?

Why am I not surprised?

bella–:slight_smile: