This is a hilarious thread. I really need to spend more time on this board! (I’m still a relative newbie, after all.)
Bumper stickers drive me nuts sometimes. I’m a Christian, but I’ve yet to see a Christian bumper sticker that I actually liked. I wouldn’t mind ones that just advertise the name of a church or something like that (sort of like the stickers for one’s alma mater – no baggage, just the name). The rest seem to be universally awful.
I like the idea of a Christian fish with a slice of lemon. That would be funny!
Though I’m not a bumper-sticker person, I’ve often thought it would be funny to have a Christian fish on my car – specifically, a Christian fish kissing a Darwin fish. But I recently reconsidered doing that when I read a letter to the editor of my local paper talking about how the Darwin fish was “blasphemy”. She was pretty nasty about it; I actually got worried that if I did put both fish on my car, it’d be vandalized.
Joel Hodgson (creator of MST3K) did a bit in his comedy routine about bumper stickers – it was a little book you could carry along in your car with responses to the really dumb ones. I wish he’d published it. Here are the ones I remember:
We’re spending our children’s inheritance!
While they’re at home trashing your house!
My other car is a Porsche.
Well, my other car is Christine. (And she’s right behind you.)
I {heart} my Cocker Spaniel.
I {club} my seal.
Visualize peace.
Visualize driving.
I owe, I owe, so it’s off to work I go.
You’ll pay, you’ll pay, for the Dopey things you say.
I think that with the help of the progress we’ve made in this thread, and with many thanks to Fenris, we now have a new bumper sticker that only we Dopers will get:
i personally wouldn’t own a robotic monkey that couldn’t drive. so that’s a minimum of 3 robotic monkey butlers (2 with chauffeur option package). one to drive each car and one to clean the house. but only 2 would need wings as the vtol driver would already be able to fly whenever necessary. now since the vtol car built my hotrod, christine (that’s the car that is my car, not the car that’s my other car), it has given up its divinity to procreate. maybe here’s where the catholitic converter comes in. no longer divine, jesus apologizes for not including a big mechanical tongue as standard equipment is then forgiven for all sins and taken up in rapture (while listening to blondie on his own radio). in the end tibet is free, every eskimo child has a home and cats are miraculously healed the world over.
something like that…
i’ve been trying understand this thread, but jesus help me if i’m not making progress.
I was quite guilty of this with my old car when I was still a flaming activist - pink triangle hanging from the rear view (with rainbow beads), rainbow license plate in the front (don’t need two state plates in Pennsylvania), pink triangle and a rainbow sticker and a rainbow cowboy boot on the back window - needless to say, it was the Fagmobile. I used to joke that I was having a charicature of Oscar Wilde painted on the top of the car so low-flying aircraft would know I was a homosexual. (I also had an SCA sticker, a Unitarian Universalist sticker, and a Scottish flag, too.)
My new car, however, is much subtler (as if that were possible for me) - just a rainbow squiggle and my membership sticker for the San Diego Zoo. I will say I want to add a few more things to “speak my peace” on the highway, but I’m weird that way. Besides, my rainbows got me a lift once from a lesbian when my car broke down - she wouldn’t have stopped otherwise!
The hub and I have about a dozen bumper-stickers on our 20-year-old Monte Carlo (covers up the rust and the paint scratches nicely). My personal faves are “Born Okay the First Time” (took me a full ten seconds to get it) and “Surgeon General?s Warning: Television Promotes Illiteracy,” but all of the words in that one are intentionally misspelled.
Here?s the fun part ? often when we’re at stoplights, we?ll glance in the rear-view mirror and noticed the person behind us moving their head back and forth with eyes fixed on our bumper. Just doing our part to promote literacy!
A short story that ends with something that I think would make a good bumper sticker…
So I was in Harvard Square one night years ago, and the Jews for Jesus were standing as close to the middle of the Square as you can get without actually being run over by a car. They were passing out literature. Now, the Jews for Jesus annoy me. Far be it from me to object to someone believing in Jesus, but I object to someone who does calling him/herself Jewish. As far as this (admittedly nonreligious) Jew is concerned, if you believe in Jesus, you’re a Christian.
So they were standing there, and had adeptly positioned themselves in such a way that to bypass them would have required most people to walk two blocks out of their way. So I crossed the street and began to walk past them. As I did so, one of them turned to me, stuck a pamphlet in my face, and said loudly “Jesus loves you!!”
I turned to her, and, without missing a beat, turned on my best Jewish Grandmother Attitude (learned from years of study of my grandmothers) and said:
“He doesn’t call! He doesn’t write! How am I supposed to know he loves me?!”
I really need to spend more time on this board! (I’m still a relative newbie, after all.)
But I recently reconsidered doing that when I read a letter to the editor of my local paper talking about how the Darwin fish was “blasphemy”. She was pretty nasty about it; I actually got worried that if I did put both fish on my car, it’d be vandalized. 
