I just found out this morning that a coworker of mine died. My wife and I will be going to his funeral some time this week. Jay was Jewish and I’ve never been to a Jewish funeral. Can anyone offer any ettiquette (sp?) tips. I don’t know how conservative his synagogue is. Jay was pretty liberal, but he comes from a very conservative family. I don’t know who will be in charge of the arrangements. Any help will be appreciated.
-LabRat
Just dress appropriately (ie, in dark colors) and be polite. There will probably be a lot of praying in Hebrew, and no one will expect you to pray along. Just sit quietly and be respectful. Jews generally don’t expect non-Jews to understand or participate in Jewish rituals, so I doubt anyone will be offended.
Thanks for the quick answer, Kyla. I figured that would be okay, but didn’t want to trip up over a custom that I didn’t know about.
-LabRat
Two Things
#1
After the ceremony, mourners will file past the coffin, lift a trowel full of dirt and sprinkle some on top of the coffin. There are various explanations for this. Some say that it is to drive home that the person is really dead so that you can have closure and begin to move on. Some say that helping to bury the person is the last kindness you can do them. It is a special act of kindness, because they can never repay you.
#2
The deceased’s family may have a kind of reception after the funeral. It is a Jewish custom to wash your hands after being at the cemetery and before entering the house. Look for a pitcher, conveniently placed garden hose, or other provided water and towels.
BTW-In the Passover ceremony, there is section describing the behavior of four sons. The wise son asks many questions. Don’t be afraid to do the same.
another interesting custom…after the fact is the placing of a stone on the grave.
i have spent some time on the mount of olives observing this and have done so at the grave of my jewish friend.
any comments on the significance.
Flowers aren’t too common in Jewish cemeteries I’ve been in and the placing of a stone during the visit is simply to say that you were there, from what I’ve been told, and that they’re in place of flowers.
This is not a traditional Jewish custom - I’ve never seen or heard of such a thing - although I can’t guarantee that no such custom has sprung up in the circles in which DocCathode moves. What is true is that the deceased is buried by (Jewish) friends and relatives, as opposed to professional gravediggers - I’m not sure how non-Jews do this. But the idea that everyone at the burial files past etc. is not true.
Jewish friends of mine have said flat out “do not send cut flowers.” AFAIK this is not a religious issue but a cultural one - cut flowers are dead and not considered a good reminder.
It’s possible that instead of being invited to the funeral, you’ll be asked to visit the family while they’re sitting shiva. In some respects it’s similar to a Christian wake, and I’ve usually treated it as such - the aspects that are different would only apply if I were Jewish. The only thing I had to resist was the impulse to bring food (not helpful if they’re kosher!).
IzzyR
The Jewish funerals I’ve been to have been in the Philadelphia area.
I’m curious whether the other Kosher Dopers have experienced this custom. Is it just regional? I’m very curious as to its origins now.
I want to reitterate the “no flowers” posts. Often in the obituary, there will be a statement like “In lieu of flowers, please send donations to [some charitable cause].” This is appropriate and meaningful.
More basically, if it is a conservative or orthodox ceremony, find the yarmulkes (they will be provided more than likely) and put one on if all of the other males are wearing them. All of the Jewish funerals I have been to are graveside or near the burial place. My family does the dirt thing, and people line up to place dirt in the grave. But of course it is not required. Other than that, standard rules of etiquette apply. Stand up when everyone else stands, sit down when everyone else sits. The direct family may stand at times when no one else stands.
There is usually prayers at a family member’s house in the evening following the funeral. These may or may not be necessary, depending on your connection.
The funerals I’ve been to (all Orthodox Jewish) haven’t involved everybody filing past with dirt. Generally, the men tend to handle the burial, for one thing, and only those who feel physically strong enough (dirt’s heavy, especially if the ground’s wet). The actual immediate family doesn’t do it either, but usually the more distant family (cousins, etc.) and good friends of the family. There’s usually a pile of dirt on a tarp next to the grave, and after the pallbearers lower the casket, friends and family do the burial, although they rely on the gravediggers to neaten up afterwards. Usually, those attending the funeral form two parallel rows for the mourners to pass between.
Usually the eulogizing (plus one or two psalms (in Hebrew) and a couple of short prayers) will be in a nearby synogogue or funeral home, and then everybody will drive to the gravesite. (I’ve only been to a couple of graveside funerals; usually those only happen when there’s serious time pressure, like if the funeral has to be on a Friday or right before a holiday. (Out of respect for the body, traditionally Jews have tried to bury within a day after the death. My aunts and uncle who had to fly in from Israel missed my grandfather’s funeral, for example, because there was no way for them to get here in time.) You don’t have to wear black, but somber colors usually feel more appropriate. I tend to end up wearing grey.
At a shiva house - the door will be open, just go in. The family will be sitting on the floor or very low chairs, and they’ll be wearing something torn. The men can’t shave, so they might look a bit scruffy, especially later in the week. There’ll be chairs around, just go sit in one and wait for the mourners to make the first move. If you knew the deceased, it’s a good time to share stories about them. If friends have brought more food than the family can eat, they may put some out - feel free to eat it. Unless you’re a very close friend of the family, don’t stay too long - fifteen or twenty minutes is fine. There’s a Hebrew phrase (translated as "May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Israel) that people may say as they leave, but don’t worry about that.
In general, Jews don’t expect everybody to know the protocol, or to do all of the stuff. Don’t worry about it - I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate your advice on what has been a rotten and confusing day. Your advice will help me feel less awkward and unsure.
-Brent
/slight hijack/ My boss’s son died… All the employees attended(indeed it was the next day after his death).
I was surprised to see this young mans car beside the gravesite ceremony. It was explained to me that something that was cherished by the deceased was always present at the gravesite.
Just curious it seemed kinda strange to me. Is this true??(BTW he was not killed in the car…It was still pristine in it’s glory).
I have never heard of this custom.
Zev Steinhardt
Our congregation has the shovelling dirt custom. The shovel is turned upside down, because it is not supposed to be easy to bury someone you love.
Chava
Don’t know about the “upside down” part, but the shovel isn’t supposed to be handed directly from one person to another. When one person gets tired, he puts the shovel down and another picks it up.
My family also does the dirty shoveling thing.
It’s also common for people to bring food to the shiva: round items are particularly traditional (circle of life and all). Also, it helps the bereaved family not to have to worry so much about how to feed everyone, and there are frequently enough leftovers that they don’t have to cook for a good, long while, either. (Of course, IME that goes for pretty much every Jewish life cycle event.)
If you’re not sure about whether the family keeps Kosher, though, it might be best not to bother bringing food.
OTOH, you can never go wrong with a nice platter of whole (uncut) fruit.
Zev Steinhardt
for mrcrow
There’s a great novel built around this theme - “A Stone for Danny Fisher” by Harold Robbins, who of course went on from there to be a major popular novelist.
Interestingly, I have many books concerning laws and customs of mourning, and cannot find a reference to this custom in any of them. It seems to be prevalent in Ashkenasi Jews (from Eastern Europe), and must be of fairly recent origin.
for KVS
I’m answering with a quote from “The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning” by Marice Lamm