And I’m not even posting it on the sabbath! 
We have a dear friend who is dying. They are Jewish, but I think they are more conservative than orthodox.
Is there a broad range of what to expect in a service, or can someone give me an idea of what to expect? I have no idea if they currently have a synagogue…
First off, my condolences.
My only recent experiences are the funerals of my grandfather (several years ago) and my grandmother (a few months ago). They were fairly Reform. Here’s what it was like:
The body is taken away to be prepared for burial as quickly as possible. The deceased is wrapped in a plain white shroud and the coffin is made of wood - no metal fasteners at all.
The coffin is accompanied around the clock until the burial service. This means that relatives (and possibly close friends) take shifts sitting at the funeral home the day/night before. It sounds creepy but it’s really not - for my grandfather, I stayed up with my dad for a couple of hours in the wee hours (around 2-4am…adults tend to get the late shifts), we sat and talked and remembered. For my grandmother, it was my sister, her husband and myself. We had photo albums, told stories…laughed and cried. Very normal stuff.
Open coffins are not big in Judaism which is a relief to me. The graveside service is more or less what you’d expect of any funeral - family and friends serve as pallbearers. A rabbi will lead some prayers, including some singing. People will be invited to share memories which is very cathartic; a good laugh and a good cry are very healthy.
The coffin is lowered into the ground and traditionally everyone helps to shovel in some earth - at least until the coffin is pretty much covered with a thin layer and then the folks who work there will finish it up once the mourners have left.
We’ve always had a big brunch afterwards and that’s usually set up by members of the community - the mourners aren’t supposed to be doing all kinds of work, it’s very nice to have others handle the setup & cleanup and you’ll be emotionally drained and hungry.
We’ve never had special services at the synagogue however that may vary depending on how orthodox the family is.
Here’s some good info from Wikipedia:
There are a number of other rituals associated with mourning, most of which you don’t have to participate in.
I hope your friend passes peacefully surrounded by friends and family. As a friend there isn’t a lot that you have to do, although offering what assistance you can to the family is a good deed - if they have relatives flying in from all over the place on short notice there’s always a million little chores to do; picking people up at the airport, offering a guest room for Uncle Herman, keeping an eye on little kids for an hour, taking someone out for a quiet cup of coffee so they can just get away from it all for a minute…all good things.
I’m sorry that you face such a loss!
What Valgard describes is pretty much true of Orthodox services as well. I’ll only discuss differences:
Generally, in an Orthodox funeral, the eulogizing takes place in a synagogue or funeral home, usually without the coffin in the room. (Somebody stays with it outside, because, as Valgard said, it’s considered disrespectful to leave the body alone*.) I am not sure that close relatives are the ones to stay with it overnight; I do not think that this is how it is done in the Orthodox community, where the bereaved are not considered to have any obligations in general until the deceased is buried, but I am not totally sure. At the graveside, there is the actual burial plus kaddish if there’s a minyan (a quorum) present, but no speeches. As the bereaved leave the grave, the other funeral-goers form two parallel lines, and the family walks between them.
You haven’t asked about shiva (the period after the burial up until one week has passed since the person died), but I’d be happy to outline the protocols for that if you want to know.
*During the many months that the wreckage at the World Trade Center site was being searched for remains of those who died there, several Manhattan synagogues, along with students at Yeshiva University’s Stern College for Women, organized round-the-clock shifts to stay in a tent nearby to ‘accompany’ any bodies that might not yet have been found, so as not to leave them alone.
Thanks guys, it does help to know a bit about what may happen. I didn’t know that about World Trade, that is awesome.
Norm is dying bit by bit, congestive heart failure and vascular dementia, but he is in a nice Jewish facility and all the nurses love him, so he gets away with murder. I think he’s in his late 70’s now.
I will offer to do anything that is needed, but is there anything I won’t be able to do, being a goyim? Can I sit shiva with the widow, can I sit with Norm’s body before burial, etc? I don’t want to be disrespectful, and I sure don’t want to ask his wife these questions beforehand…
Damn, this is hard… but he was a man who spent his life dedicated to education, and here he is, educating me again…
I think so.
I have been to burials where (a) the dirt had to be shoveled on with the underside of the shovel facing up; and (b) the mourners filled the entire grave. Needless to say, that took awhile, not sure how universal that approach is.
Though you didn’t leave much time for the Israeli dopers. It looks like the sun just set there: Current Local Time in Jerusalem, Israel
Yeah, but there is a rule similar to Gaudere’s Law that says a question related to anything Jewish will invariably be posted on the sabbath!
It really depends on how observant they are and the family’s wishes. I think that letting the family know that you will help however you can is perfect. You can also talk to their congregation’s rabbi. I assure you that none of this is in the slightest way disrespectful, quite the opposite.
Touching. Was it a case of the rescuers (well, deconstruction workers) not being there 24/7, or they don’t count since they might not be Jewish?
Worst night in the world. I can barely post it.
Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha’olam, dayan ha-emet.
Norman B. Eisen.
Thanks for your help, anyway. It has begun.
My condolences on the passing of your friend. I just wanted to add that Jews are aware that people outside of their community are not familiar with their customs. I have never seen them take offense at a respectful question, and usually they’re quite happy to speak about them to others. Offers to lend assistance are never wrong, even if they aren’t always accepted. I have attended Jewish funerals and usually there’s no problem with goyim being present, although they will be asked to cover their heads (every time this has come up there always seems to be spare yarmulkes around, although really almost any head covering would be acceptable).
My husband used to play bagpipes at funerals and did so at many Jewish burials. Because Jews differ in observances he always asked about what was expected of him and any taboos there might be, he says they were always happy to “coach” him and any other goyim present and he was never made to feel uncomfortable for being non-Jewish (unlike some other religions, which I will not name here).
I would encourage any goyim who might be attending any Jewish occasion to ask about how to respect Jewish custom and tradition.
Well, here’s how things went down after my grandfather’s funeral.
If you wanted to do something helpful for the family, you might think about cooking something for them, maybe something that can be frozen and reheated later, to save them having to cook a meal during the immediate shiva period. If they do keep Kosher, they aren’t going to want to eat anything that’s been cooked in a non-Kosher kitchen, but a local Kosher deli or grocery may have some ideas for you.
I actually like the whole shiva ritual; I’ve also been to wakes, but to me shiva feels more like closure, because it’s after the burial, and at least people can hang out and share memories.
(Sigh…posting this on Shabbat. Oh well.)
Thank you, everyone. Rough night.
Oh- should I be covering my hair at the funeral? I am married. Thanks.
None of my female relatives did at my grandparents’ funerals. Jewish males wore yamulkes.
Since your friend just passed away last night the funeral will probably be very soon - within a day or two perhaps. I imagine that the rabbi will meet with the family to go over the details of the ceremony. If you’re there you can certainly ask him any questions about appropriate dress, head coverings, etc. If you aren’t part of that meeting bring a scarf and ask at the service.
Since you aren’t Jewish and you aren’t family nobody is going to expect you to know all of the details so please don’t feel pressure there. At the funerals I’ve attended the rabbi would explain to everyone what we were going to do; there will undoubtedly be a mix of Jews of varying degrees of orthodoxy, different faiths and so on. Dress conservatively (note - it appears that heels are a bad idea on grass), bring kleenex and follow the cues of the rabbi - a big part of his job is to lead.
Customs vary. At my grandmother’s funeral everyone had to have something on their head. The only ladies who got a “pass” were the ones wearing wigs. I do suggest asking if a woman should arrive with head covering of some sort, or bring a tasteful scarf along. It doesn’t have to be opaque or heavy. Hats are also very acceptable.
Jews are supposed to be buried by sundown of the day they die… which does not preclude other memorial services besides those at graveside.
The tradition to use the reverse side of the shovel is to demonstrate the reluctance for performing this mitzvah, even though giving a deceased person a proper burial and memorial is one of the highest mitzvot.
There is also the tradition to not hand the shovel directly to the next person, but to put it back in the dirt pile. Again, the tradition is to show reluctance and to not hasten the burial.
Don’t wear leather shoes if you can avoid it and minimal makeup.
When talking to any mourner at the shiva house or elsewhere, don’t ask, “How are you?”. They’re in mourning, that’s how they are, so it’s okay disperse with the usual niceties and say that you are sorry for their loss even if it’s the first time you’ve met.
Wait until you’re spoken to and respond and then let the mourners talk w/o interruption.
Be prepared to uncomfortably sit on low chairs or a couch w/ the cushions removed.
Kosher delis and markets have trays you can purchase and have sent directly to the shiva house and they’ll be much appreciated. Keep in mind that there are some people who believe it’s bad luck to eat food at a shiva house so don’t encourage someone to eat who has no plate or cup.
Leave through the same door you entered. I know some of these are more orthodox things but funerals bring out older traditions in some people and you’d be surprised.
There might be a gathering when a Jewish year has passed and the headstone is set. The event will be far more relaxed than the shiva.
You’re a good person to want to be there for your friend’s family and even though you’re a goy it’s still a good thing even it it’s not considered a mitzvah.
Also, at a shiva house there is often a pitcher of water and some towels on the front steps. You are supposed to pour the water over your hands to clean them before you go in. In my experience, just about every tradition or custom associated with Judaism is followed to a wide range of degrees by friends, family, and others. Do what feels comfortable, watch others for cues, and just be there. For most people experiencing this dreadful time - the loss of a loved one - the presence of others, regardless of how rigorously they follow the rituals, if at all, is the important point. That’s why Jews sit shiva for several days. The crowds are strangely comforting. It keeps people from having to deal with the emptiness for the first few days, anyway. So, ask how long the family will be sitting, and ask what time they will be sitting, and arrange to be there during some of those times.
I think they stayed there to make sure that there would be a Jewish shomer or guardian, and also so that they’d be someone whose job it was purely to focus on the deceased rather than on clearing debris or other jobs. I believed they mostly said psalms, as is traditional for any shomer.
Other comments on what people have said:
One only washes one’s hands (at least in the Orthodox tradition) after leaving a graveyard, not necessarily because you’re about to make a shiva visit. Many Jewish cemeteries have a sink or faucet at the gates for just this purpose. FWIW, you wash your hands any time you leave a graveyard, not just after a funeral, and not just a Jewish graveyard; I annoyed my friends traveling through England because I kept hopping into graveyards to find really old tombstones, and thus kept depleting our water supply.
The ceremony (‘unveiling’) for the setting of the headstone can be at various times, depending on the family’s custom and situation, although I think the time period is between thirty days and one year after the person’s passing.
I have never heard of the custom of making sure to leave through the same door you entered, although in Orthodox shiva houses, the front door is left open so that you can come and go without needing to be let in by the mourners, and I’ve always left that way anyway. It’s quite possible that such a custom could exist; I don’t pretend to know every tradition of every community.
Avoiding leather shoes and makeup, as well as sitting on low chairs, are for the close relatives (parents, siblings, children, and spouse) of the deceased. You can wear what you like, sit on a normal chair, etc. There is no particular tradition of wearing black to a Jewish funeral, although people tend to avoid particularly bright colors and dress a bit more formally if possible. Shiva visits aren’t formal dress occasions, and you can wear whatever it is you’d normally be wearing that day.
At Orthodox funerals, the mourners will try to fill in the entire grave if there are enough able-bodied people present to do it. I’ve been at a few poorly-attended funerals where there were only three or four people young and strong enough to shovel, and it’s sad to me that we could only do the minimum, ie cover the coffin until it was not visible.