A Jewish neighbor with whom I occasionally socialized has died. The funeral is tomorrow (Mon. 29 Dec.) and I plan to go. At this moment, the website for the memorial chapel says “Shiva: Not yet announced.”
I was fond of this person, but not particularly close. I (Christian) am not familiar with shiva, but have read this Wikipedia article. My wife and I would like to pay a home visit as mentioned therein.
Are there some guidelines as to when it would be appropriate to pay a visit (which day, time of day) or for how to find out when to drop by? Is first making a phone call to the widow recommended, or recommended against? Anything else we should try to do (e.g. bring food) or try to avoid? Any tips on how to best approach this would be much appreciated.
I’m not sure what to make of “shiva: not yet announced.” If they are sitting shiva, then any day is ok to go. You don’t need to call first, just go over. Traditionally the door is left open so you don’t even need to knock, you just go right in, but I can’t say for certain that will be true for your neighbor. If the family keeps kosher, you should not bring food unless you know for sure that it is kosher (get it from a kosher restaurant or something). As the wikipedia article mentioned, it’s also traditional for visitors not to say anything until the mourners do. Don’t feel like you have to come up with some beautiful words of comfort or an inspirational story about the deceased- if you didn’t know him too well, but you liked him, it’s ok to say “I didn’t know him too well, but I liked him.” When you get there, listen for a few minutes to get a feel for the tone of the room. Sometimes mourners just like to sit quietly, sometimes they want to hear stories and thoughts about the deceased, sometimes they would prefer to talk about something else entirely. The Wikipedia article has the phrase that it is customary to tell the mourners at some point during the visit. It’s fine to say it in English. Don’t be surprised if the mourners are sitting on the floor or on low chairs.
That’s all I can think of for now. Good luck, and it’s really nice that you and your wife want to do this.
I’ve been to more shivas than I care to have, and I’ve never heard a single person utter that phrase, whether in Hebrew or English, so don’t feel obligated to memorize it. Just offer your condolences as you would anyone else.
Depending on how religious they are, you may not notice anything different from any other after-funeral gathering you’ve ever been to. If there is a pitcher of water at the front door, use it to pour a little water over your hands before you enter.
In cruising the chapel website, I gather that the “Shiva” listing is used to post times that the family would like people to come by. These shiva times are listed for some of the deceased, but not for all of them. For the latter, I guess that could mean the family doesn’t have any preferred times in mind, or it could mean they are not sitting shiva (in this case we’ve heard that the wife may not be Jewish, so this might apply). I expect I’ll find out at the funeral.
I would guess that the lack of shiva times on the website means that the family didn’t provide them. Any Jewish funeral I’ve been to has also announced where the family would be sitting shiva when (the individual family members might all sit at the home of the deceased, or they might spend a day or two sitting at their own homes so that the people of their own communities would have an easier time coming to visit.) As to time of day, just have some sense - don’t come very early in the morning, or very late in the evening (say, past 10) unless you know the family would like to receive visitors them.
Nearly all the funerals I have been to have been Orthodox, and my experiences may not apply to your neighbor’s funeral and shiva. That said, what I said on the subject in a thread from 2002:
I would add that the speeches at the funeral will not generally be about the afterlife, or any sort of sermon. They’re eulogies, focusing on the deceased, and might be given by a rabbi, a family member, a close friend, or some combination. During a shiva visit, don’t worry about being super-profound, or saying some magical comforting words. If you knew the person well, talk about them. If you didn’t, say that - ‘I didn’t know Neighbor X well, but I’ve always thought well of him, and I’m so sorry,’ or something like that. People really, truly appreciate that you’ve made the effort and put yourself in a slightly awkward position. Even when I haven’t known the deceased, my best shiva visits have been when I’ve asked the mourners about them, for stories or descriptions rather than making easy, unrelated chit-chat.
I’ve just returned from the funeral, and this describes it well. I wasn’t able to continue on to the gravesite. At the service, it was announced when the family will be receiving visitors, so that question has been answered for me. Thanks for your insight.
I have used that phrase, as the second thing I said to the mourner. The first thing I said – what can one say at a funeral? So I said nothing.
In direct contrast to Christian practice, DO NOT send or bring flowers or other plants. I don’t know the background for this practice, just that doing so is particularly deplored in Jewish tradition. Paging Zev…
Yep. Never heard it either. I wonder how many gentiles have recited that at confused mourners because they’ve read it on Wikipedia?
And I’ve never heard of this thing where you’re supposed to just sit down and wait for the mourners to come to you. Odd. But as we all know, there are zillions of traditions out there.
Anyway, not to worry. The mourners know you’re not Jewish. They’ll just be glad you came. If you’re not sure about something, just ask some friendly-looking person who happens to be around.
ETA–good call on the not bringing flowers thing, Scuba Ben.
A good friend’s father died, and I am going to visit during shiva (I didn’t know the father or know the mother, but I’d like to be there for my friend). Anyway, I googled generically on shiva advice gentiles and of course SDMB was the first result at the top…no surprise at all, right?
Anyway, thanks for the past advice of fellow posters.
When my husband died, I sat shiva, and I have to tell you, it was one of the most profound and meaningful experiences of my life. Do go. Even if you don’t know the people all that well. People came who knew my husband from his volunteer work whom I had never met, and I can’t tell you how precious and beautiful it was that these total strangers (to me) came just to tell me how much they had liked my husband and how sorry they were. Friends came and took care of the food. I was totally cared for. I’m Reform, so I only sat for three days, but I would gladly have done it for seven. I never felt as loved in my whole life as I did during those three days, which were all about helping me with my excruciating sorrow. It’s a wonderful custom. Everyone should adopt it.
Huh. I did not know this, but when I visited a good friend sitting shiva for her father 2 weeks ago, I found I couldn’t say anything to the rest of the family I didn’t know. I just…couldn’t. And I actually felt pretty bad about it. Glad to know I was unwittingly following tradition!
The always appropriate thing to say to anyone and under virtually all circumstances funereal is “I’m so sorry.” Nothing more is needed. In fact, any more and you may put your foot in it. This is a very safe, proper statement. You don’t even need to add “for your loss.” Just “I’m so sorry”-- one size fits all.
No need to feel bad. Feeling bad makes it about you. And this is one time when it’s definitely NOT about you. So let yourself off the hook.
use a lowercase s, it’s not a name - and it’s not pronounced the same as the goddess either (the “i” is as in “hit” ).
Shiva is a traditional period of mourning. The basic rules are: family of the deceased stays home and receives visitors, does not work, and people bring food. There are lots of other traditional ins & outs, some considered optional by some jewish people, but I feel safe in saying any shiva will have the three elements of family/visitors, not working, and food. During this time one is said to be “sitting shiva.”