I think your initial gut feeling is right on. This is a bullshit bonus. Agree to it, then forget about it, and work just like you would have without their non-existent “carrot” dangling. I think they’ve shown you what kind of employers they are with a crap bonus like this, then refusing to tighten it up when you asked.
You know, it burns me when employers pull shit like this. How would they like it if you came to them and said, “I’ll work unspecifed hours for you, on unspecified projects, when I feel like it, doing duties that I feel like doing, but you can keep paying me a nice, steady salary?” Employment is a two-way street; you’re not doing them a favour by working there, and they’re not doing you a favour by paying you; it’s a symbiotic relationship, and I wish employers would get that through their pointy heads.
I really think my bosses are clueless; as I mentioned above, I don’t think they’re bad guys, but people’s true strengths and weaknesses come to the forefront in times of stress, and they’re stressing. In typical stress like fashion, they’re turning on each other, too. Not the first time I’ve worked for a company where the higher-ups don’t get along, but knowing it sucks doesn’t make it any easier to get along.
The problem is that I actually still like the job. If I remove all the crap about salary and deadlines and such, I like the work, and I like the people I work for. Finding another job wouldn’t be impossible, but it’s not as easy as it was when I lived out in the real world (ah, the days of twice-weekly headhunter calls!). So I’m inclined to try to ride through the difficult part in the hopes that this will be one of the companies that figures out its growing pains instead of imploding over them.
In the meantime, my email asking for clarification about the bonus plan has gone without an answer, and the first deadline I’m supposed to meet is next Tuesday. I might even meet it, but it won’t be because I spend all weekend working on bug fixes.