John Madden: Pukeface

Inspired by the random NFL musings pit thread, and because my rant against brett favre was so cathartic, I must now vent my wrath on:

John Madden:

You bloated, hideous, berzerker, mushmouthed, insane madman. You circled a cupful of GATORADE on Sunday. Two weeks ago you circled someone’s ass for no reason. You are out of your mind. I don’t understand you. You are stupid and ugly and well past your prime.

And frankly, to harken back to an old rant, I don’t know how you get through a game every week when you’re so busy jacking off the whole of the Green Bay Packers.

The things you say are obvious yet incomprehensible, if not completely offputting and gross.

Sunday, you sent me reeling by calling out: “Look at the size of that hole”

Let’s face it together. Your voice saying that is disturbing. Too disturbing to even think about. No wonder you worked for the Raiders. Nothing about you is good, not even fucking Ace Hardware.

I hate you and I hate your ass face.

jarbaby

Personally, I’d agree to listen to John Madden do running color commentary on my entire life, drawing circles around my dick when I jerk off if Paul McGuire would agree to bury himslef in a box in my backyard.

But maybe that’s just me.

bonus points for gratuitous ‘waiting for guffman’ reference. bastard people!

Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair in Waiting for Guffman.

  • Rick

I like John but personally wish he’d be available only to fill in when you’re not there, jarbaby.

Me and man Otto sporting a cold Dennisless Miller Sunday afternoon with jarbabyj at the helm of the Bears/FudgePackers melee would be pure bliss.

Back to you, j.

More Packer ranting eh? Please…the shmuck sports a Texas size woody for the Cowboys whenever he covers them.

Give him a chance to cover the Colts and I’m sure he’ll be dropping trou for Manning…he’s a shameless man-ho.

I’m rather surprised that my lame rantings inspired much of anything.

But now that we’re on the topic, it’s too bad Matt Millen went to the Lions–he was better at being Madden than Madden ever was. And how many years has it been since Madden and Summerall became a parody of themselves? I think Summerall is one of the best play-by-play men of all time, but he’s, uh…past his prime.

The only upside of the Redskins having to look up to the Bengals, Browns and Chargers is that the announcers don’t try to be the focus of attention. Well, that and the fact that it will be even more satisfying when (?) they beat the Cowboys.

Believe me beagle, this was not intended as a packer rant. It’s purely maddenesque.

He’s got a Cowboys boner if the cowboys are playing well…but regardless…he makes me sick.

Bears still suck!

Go Packers (that’s 3-0 Packers, BTW)!!!

:: looking around, wondering how this became a packers/bears thread ::

Hey jarb:

Come on now.

Does his face resemble a nun taking a shit? Yes.
Is his color commentary fun and interesting? a resounding Yes!

Sheeit. How 'bout Brent Musty-burger on Saturdays? My boy hates my Buckeyes and makes it boldly obvious. This past Saturday, he called the A&M game and I was obligated to mate his ass.

So what if Madden rides in a bus across the country like a little biatch? And yes, the telestrator is a tool of the devil in his hands. But… That hole was kinda huge!

Wait 'til the TurkeyDay game and he’s circling turkey legs. That’ll be good times.

Oops… should be mute his ass. My God what have I done!

What a Freudian strap-on!

Excuse me while I go howl.

Packer fan, Cowboy fan, Ram fan. Madden’s the biggest fairweather fan ever. I hate him. I’ve seen him diagram how to cut a turkey. He diagrams everything. Somebody ram that diagraming pen where it’ll not soon see the light of day please. He announces like nobody has ever watched a football game but him; “Now the center’s gonna hike the ball to the quarterback and…”

I’ve heard Madden Football for the Playstation 2 may be the best football game ever. I don’t know, I won’t buy it as long as his name is attached.

Madden? That squishy warthog is incapable of offering an intelligent comment on a football game. My intense hatred of all-things-Madden started in the early 1990s when he actually gave out awards on his All-Madden show to guys for DANCING. I mean, excuse me, but isn’t Madden the decrepit moron that made his reputation on tough guys? They practically has to clean off the telestrator every time he saw 300 pound linemen mud wrestling when he first started his commenting career and now he goes drops a load every time some rookie dances in the end zone.

And jarbabyj, remember the days when he thought that William “the flabby piece of shit” Perry was God’s gift to the NFL? Madden is the ultimate fair weather fan (except in the case of Larry Allen from the Cowboys whose ass Madden has always licked). He only fellates Brian Urlacher now because the rest of the Bears couldn’t successfully beat themselves.

Gratuitous anti-Bears joke:

Q: How do you keep Bears away from your house?

A: Put up goal posts.:slight_smile:

In all fairness, I’d fellate brian urlacher every day for the rest of the season if he’d only ask.

Gratuitous Anti-Packers Joke:

What do you call a beautiful, intelligent woman on the arm of a Green Bay Packer?

A hostage.
jarbaby

Packers…11 NFL Championships including 3 Super Bowl Victories

Bears…8 NFL Championships including 1 Super Bowl Victory

As William Tecumseh Sherman said when asked to be President of the United States, “The Bears still suck!”

Madden who?..we don’t need no stinkin’ OP :stuck_out_tongue:

Q: Why do the trees in Green Bay bend towards the south?

A; Chicago sucks.

I saw a copy of “John Madden: Pukeface” for the old Atari 2600 at a garage sale the other day. I heard it was a pretty good game.
Q: Why did the Packers get rid of their cheerleaders?
A: They kept trying to graze between quarters.

[John Madden]

“Now heres a guy who when he runs, he goes faster.”

“Now heres a guy who tries to catch the ball cause it was thrown to him”

“Now heres a guy who after he has a big meal, takes a large dump.”

[/John Madden]