A woman goes to the grocery store and carefully selects a pound of bacon, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a carton of eggs, then gets in line at the checkout counter. As she takes the items from her cart and loads them on the conveyor, she notices the man behind her is watching her. As she puts the last item on the belt, the man says to her " I bet you’re single" She says “That’s amazing, I am single, how did you know that?” He replies “Because you are fucking ugly”
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot him with your blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: Hold his nose until he turns blue, then shoot him with your blue elephant gun.
A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are sitting on a bench.
Baptist: “I’ve got 4 boys and my wife’s pregnant. If this one’s a boy, i’ll have myself a basketball team!”
Catholic: “That’s nothing. I’ve got 10 boys and my wife’s pregnant. If this is a boy, i’ll have a football team!”
Mormon: “Oh yeah? Well i’ve got 17 wives and i’m engaged. Soon i’ll have me a golf course!”
Obligatory drunk Irishmen jokes:
Paddy’s stuck on deserted island. Finds lamp, rubs. Genie offers 3 wishes.
“Well, i’d like a pint of Guinness!”
The genie grants it and Paddy quickly chugs it down. The genie then says, “now look in the glass” and Paddy sees with amazement that it’s full again. The genie goes, “It’s an endless glass. No matter how much you drink, it will always be full. Now you get 2 more wishes.”
Paddy: “Well, i think i’ll have 2 more of these!”
Sean and Paddy stuck in a lifeboat. Find lamp. The genie’s a bit more stingy this time and grants just one wish. Before Sean can open his mouth, Paddy says, “I want the whole ocean to be a Guinness!” The Genie does it and Sean promptly smacks Paddy on the side of the head.
“You moron! Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”
And a couple of longer ones:
A man suffering from chronic headaches goes into a doctor’s office. The doc looks at him and goes, “you’re here because you have headaches!” The man replies, “Yes! That’s amazing! How did you know that??” The doc says, “I’ve been doing this job for 25 years! I know what’s wrong with a patient!” The man asks if anything can be done, and the doc replies, “Only one. We have to remove one of your testicles, but it will work.” The man says, “that doesn’t sound to pleasant, but i’ll do anything to get rid of these headaches.” The operation proceeds and is successful. Afterwards, the man is so happy that he decides to buy himself a whole new wardrobe. He goes into a boutique, and the woman there goes, “You want a whole new wardrobe!” “Yes! How did you know?” “I’ve been at this job 25 years! I know what a customer wants! You have a size 31 waist and a size 33 chest. You wear a size 8 hat and size 4 underwear!” The man says, “That’s almost perfect, but i wear size 3 underwear!” The woman replies, “Well, you could wear a size 3, but it’s gonna give you a hell of a headache.”
An American businessman is visiting Spain. On his first night, his host takes him to a fancy restaurant in the town center. A diner at the next table over gets a meal that appears to be two very large meatballs. The businessman asks his friend what it is, and his friend tells him that after the bullfight is over, the bull’s testicles are removed and served here as a delicacy. “It’s very delicious and you should try it, but you have to order in advance because there’s only one a day.” The businessman figures he can be open-minded and decides to order the meal for a few days later.
Upon returning to the restaurant, the businessman is served two very small meatballs on his plate. He calls the waiter over and says, “what’s this? They were huge last time.” The waiter responds, “well, sometimes the bull wins.”
Q. Where does the king keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.
[Rabid sexism]
A guy is riding on an elevator when a beautiful woman gets on. As they ride up, they start eyeing each other. Suddenly, the woman hits the emergency stop. She rips off all her clothes, throws them on the floor, and says, “Make me feel like a woman!”
So the guy rips off his clothes, throws them on the floor, and says, “Pick those up!”
[/Rabid sexism]
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
RUN!!! There’s a grenade in her mouth.
A psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, “Sometimes this fellow thinks he’s a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he’s the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he’s suffering from?”
The first student replies, “Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?”
The second student says, “No, surely he just doesn’t know whether he’s Carmen or Goering.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me wha you see:”
Watson said: “I see millions of stars”.
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you, Holmes?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat
anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world’s first anti-lox breaks.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Q. What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A. A Roamin’ Catholic
… between accidentally dropping the winning lottery ticket in a blender, and a drag queen?
One’s a damn shame, the other’s a sham dame.
(I just made that one up and thought I should test it somewhere I can’t hear my audience groaning.)
What’s the difference between a clam with epilepsy and a hooker with diarrhea?
One you shuck between fits…
A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, “What is this, a joke?”
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way!
Darn! snac stole my joke! I read that on a Laffy Taffy wrapper a few days ago. Oh well. Here’s my other favorite joke:
Q) Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A) Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
And now, for a union employee joke:
A man in a wheelchair goes in to a bar. He sees a man with longish hair, a beard, and flowing robes sitting at the end of the bar. The man in the chair waves the bartender over and says “hey bartender, is that Jesus down there?” The bartender replies “it sure is, my friend!” The man in the chair says “well, buy him a drink on me, okay?” So, the bartender gets Jesus a drink.
Then a blind man comes in to the bar, and sits next to the guy in the chair. The guy in the chair taps the blind guy on the shoulder and says “hey man, Jesus is in here, down at the end of the bar!” The blind man says “Jesus? No way!” The bartender confirms this, though, so the blind man says “well, send Jesus a drink from me! He’s a great guy!” So, the bartender sends Jesus another drink.
Then a UAW worker comes in. The guy in the chair and the blind guy relate to him how Jesus is, in fact, in the bar, and the bartender confirms this again. The UAW worker says “Wow! That’s awesome! Send him a drink for me, okay?” So, Jesus gets one more drink.
After a while, Jesus decides it’s time to go. He approaches the man in the wheelchair and says “Thank you for the drink, my son. I’ve been feeling rather sad lately, and it’s good to know that some people still care.” He touches the man in the wheelchair, and the man is instantly healed! Then Jesus, being the kind man that he is, does the same for the blind man, and restores his sight. Amazing!
Then Jesus approaches the UAW worker. He thanks him for the drink, and starts to touch him, but the UAW worker stops him and says “hey man, don’t touch me. I’m out on disability!”