post the stupidest, but short joke you’ve heard lately. I’ve got a short attention span and if it’s over ten lines, I usually can’t finish.
What do you call a fish without eyes?
fssshhhhhhh
Q: Why do all men float?
(you know, if you throw them in the lake they float to the top!)
A: (Ladies, I know you know this one…)
They’re all scum.
Q. What does a sexually satisifed woman sound like?
A. Yeah, I didn’t think you’d know.
Q: Why is a man like a slinky?
A: They’re not really good for much, but it can’t help but put a smile on your face when you see one tumble down a flight of stairs.
I like that one, elbows.
Two men are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake. One of the men says “Hey, you.” The other says, “Who, me?”
Q. What goes ha ha ha thump?
A. A man laughing his head off.
(Got that one from a Dixie Riddle cup.)
Q. What did the zero say to the eight?
A. Hey, nice belt!
Q. Why did the Jewish bee wear a yarmulke?
A. So no one would think he was a WASP.
This isn’t the man bashing joke thread, it’s the short but stupid thread. No that’s not a reference to a man.
Here’s a couple…
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper said, “You got a drink named Steve?”
Man walks into a bar. Ouch.
How can you tell when a woman’s having an orgasm?
WHO CARES??
[SUB]You think this is why I can’t get laid?[/sub]
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick? Still no f***ing idea!
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
The new nun goes to confession and says she has a terrible
secret. The priest urges her to reveal it, saying he would never violate the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I don’t wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels.”
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher. Well, his father’s chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, “I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I’m very
proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m going to take you out and buy it for you today!” His son says, “Well if it’s all the same to you dad, I’d rather go tomorrow. My butt’s still sore.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
“DAMN! That’s the ugliest f-in’ baby I’ve EVER seen!”
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Hey! He’s a public servant and he shouldn’t say things to insult the passengers.”
“You’re right!” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
A young Irish lad entered the confessional and said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman.” The priest asked, “Is that you Tommy?”
“Yes Father, it’s me.”
“Who was the woman you were with?”
“I cannot tell you Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation,” replied Tommy.
The priest asked, “Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”
“No.”
“Was it Ann O’Brien?”
“No.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Amy Thomas?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it little Cathy Morgan?”
“NO, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest finally said, “Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat.”
Tommy walked back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slid over and whispered, “What happened?”
“Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads.”
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the
sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move
very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers
and said “You’re not so tough, Batman!”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10.
He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.
“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer comes to him and says, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does,
you’re finished!” The wrestler nods in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost.
He can’t watch the ending.
Suddenly there’s a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
“You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?” The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”
The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
“What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
“That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”
Two irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see
that the jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…
one of the girls must be quite ill.”
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says “I’ll have a chocolate.” The wife says “I’ll have a vanilla.”
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says
“What do you want fat head?”
The lady helping them says “Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?”
The husband says, “There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That’s my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That’s my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight p----,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!”
I originally posted this here but it’s my favorite dumb joke.
Q: What do you call a guy standing in the middle of a church?
A: The center of mass.
:groan:
Oh. You wanted short jokes. Sorry, I speed read and sometimes I skip a few words.
Here’s some:
Yo mama’s so short, she has to cuff her underwear.
Yo mama’s so short, she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama’s so short, she broke her leg jumping off the toilet.
Yo mama’s so short, she uses a condom for a sleeping bag.
Well, I’ve told it a-hundred times, but.
What’s the difference between a tiger and a well dressed man?
A well dressed man wears a three piece suit and a tiger… just pants.
Sean and Paddy get a job putting up telephone poles.
Sean says to Paddy, “I’ll hold this pole up and you climb to the top and measure. It’s supposed to be 40’ tall.”
Paddy says, “Why don’t we just measure it on the ground?”
Sean says, “Paddy, ya idjit, we’re supposed to measure how TALL they are, not how LONG!”
After a few days, their boss calls them into his office. “I’m going to have to let you boys go. You’ve only put up one telephone pole, but all the other teams have put up 10 in the time you’ve been here.”
Sean says “Yes, but have you seen how much they leave sticking out of the ground?”
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return? A stick.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrrup-MOOOOOOOOO!!!
[ul]
[li]Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk? It’s all over town.[/li][li]Have you heard the joke about the rope? Skip it.[/li][li]Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.[/li][/ul]
A blond and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette sees a man with bad dandruff and says, “Someone should give that guy some Head and Shoulders.”
The blond says “How do you give shoulders?”
A baby seal walks into a club.