You know you’re from Toronto when you observe all the planets, stars, galaxies, quasars, moons, asteroids, and space junk of the universe orbiting you in your daily walk to Starbucks.
(Ow! Stop hitting me!)
You people exist? I always thought it was just a legend.
I have nothing to add. This post nailed it, except I’m not yet 82 so I’ve not taken up snowboarding.
I took it up at 41, do I get half credit?
Ah good ol’ northern Illinois…
The “Living Room” is called the “front room” (pronounced fronchroom)
You don’t pronounce the “s” at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do
You measure distance in minutes (especially “from the city”). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Des Plaines”
Your school classes were canceled because of cold
Your school classes were canceled because of heat
You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day
Stores don’t have sacks, they have bags
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:“Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with.”
Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun, “everything” is on it and a slice of dill pickle is on the side
You carry jumper cables in your car
You drink “pop.”
You understand that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads
You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower,Dan Ryan, and the Edens
But you call the interstates “expressways”
You refer to anything South of I-80 as “Southern Illinois”
You refer to Lake Michigan as “The Lake”
You refer to Chicago as “The City”
“The Super Bowl” refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986
No matter where you are, when you hear the term “Downtown” you immediately assume they’re talking about Downtown Chicago
You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!
You buy “The Trib”
You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog
You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is
You know why they call Chicago “The Windy City”
You understand what “lake-effect” means
You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the “L”
You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815
You have at some time in your life, used your furniture to guard your parking spot in winter. (CHICAGO CLASSIC!!)
You respond to the question “Where are you from” with a side" example:“WEST SIDE”, “SOUTH SIDE” or “NORTHSIDE.”
You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!
You know you’re a Torontonian if…
…“The GTA” is still really only Toronto proper, “megacity” was a stupid name, and amalgamation was really only a technicality.
…You call it “The T-Dot” only ironically, or to annoy someone.
…You don’t know The Queen Elizabeth Way as anything other than “The Q.E.”
…You know that no matter how bad your neighbourhood is, at least it isn’t Scarborough.
…The intersection of Dundas and Hurontario in Mississauga is known only as “5 & 10.”
…You accept that half of the gas you buy will be used in driving around the downtown area to find a parking spot.
…You feel that the CN Tower needs another domed stadium on the other side of Spadina to properly complete the set.
…You’ve never been to Casa Loma, and are only vaguely aware of its location.
…You know where The Bridle Path is. You also know you’ll never be able to afford to live there – but that’s ok, because Moses Znaimer is probably a crappy neighbour anyway.
…Winter outlasts all of the other seasons combined.
…The world ends north of Steeles.
…You never, ever park at Church & Jarvis.
…You know where Cabbagetown is.
…The drawn-out exclamation “Nooooooooobody!” followed by an exaggerated wink and the OK hand gesture is burned into your brain for as long as you live, and someday, somehow, you’re going to get Blaine Lastman for it.
…You have personal experience with the reason TTC vehicles are nicknamed “The Vomit Comet.”
…You are never more than five minutes from a Tim Horton’s, and don’t give a damn how far you are from the nearest Starbucks, because it’s not far enough.
…You know which restaurants in Chinatown will serve you alcohol after last call, and they know you well enough to trust you.
…The best block party you’ve ever been to occupied entire downtown core and spontaneously erupted following the Jays’ '93 world series win. It’s also the only fond memory you have of Tag Team’s “Whoomp There It Is.”
…You know know how to pronounce “Strachan Ave.”
…You don’t know how to pronounce “Chinguacousy” and don’t care because Brampton is Toronto’s ugly half brother.
…You know Purgatory has two branches: Jane & Finch, and Parkdale.
…You know what the “P” in “DVP” really stands for, and “parkway” is only half right.
Hold on a sec…I’m a transplanted Texan living in NorCal and reading this brought up an earworm of a jingle that goes, “eight-hundred five eight eight, two three-hundred, Empire”, but I can’t seem to remember where I picked it up. Weird
You know you’re from Northern Virginia if:
You have lived here for 18 years and still refer to Montana/Ohio/Texas/wherever as “back home.”
The agency you first came here to work for was disbanded after the Hoover Administration, but you didn’t go “back home.”
You think “back home” is much better than here. Probably because they sent all the assholes here.
You got a gummint job, and cannot be fired, even for committing felonies while on duty.
You cannot read a map, have no idea which way north is, and only a vague notion of the concept of left and right. You don’t know the name of the streets, nor their route numbers, nor any vague idea where that road might lead, and you want to know the easiest way to get to Washington. My advice is run for office.
You spent $45,000 on a four wheel drive SUV, and you cannot drive in the snow.
You listen to the radio if someone says the word “snow” to find out how many days your agency will be closed due to Snow Emergency Plan Seven.
You think reports and memos are literature.
You think it’s a shame how much development has ruined the place.
Tris
They show it in DC too.
Or Wisconsin . . .
That is weird. The only time I know that this got national exposure was the older version of the commercial (without the 800 prefix) was shown as a really brief snippet in the movie Wayne’s World. You’ve totally got it though.
You know Toronto isn’t a province, right? 
You know you’re from NJ if…
You know what a Wawa is, and you know the location of at least 15 of them.
You don’t understand why there aren’t more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.
You’ve run out of money on the Parkway.
You know what a “jug handle” is.
You only go to the “City” for day trips.
Route 18 doesn’t freak you out at night.
You have mandatory recycling enforced by law.
You have nearly been run over by a Tram Car in Wildwood.
You have a grandparent who didn’t move to Florida and retired in Cape May, Ocean Grove, Brick, or Toms River.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights in your family.
You can smell when it’s low tide.
You own an annual pass to Great Adventure and you had to take the monkey by-pass at the Safari cause your dad had padded-vinyl roof on his car.
Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in April.
You know that ACME is a supermarket, not just a Warner Bros creation.
Because your town was founded before 1776, all restaurants, bars, and shops have ‘ye’, ‘olde’, or 'colonial in their names.
There is a fruit and veggie stand down the road.
You know that there are no “beaches” in new Jersey - there’s “The Shore,” and you know that the road to the shore is “The Parkway” not “The Garden State Highway.”
You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
You’ve planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin’ Donuts
You once said “It smells like New York in here.”
You can go bowling at 1:30 a.m. (with automatic scoring!)
In high school you, or someone you know, worked at a Friendly’s or Stewart’s.
You’ve lived through hurricanes, nor’easters, and brushfires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami, or volcano.
There are no self-serve gas stations, and you like it that way.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle
You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls.
You have at least one friend who drives a truck.
At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.
Anything less than three inches of snow isn’t worth much.
You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals.
Empire started in the Chicago area but has branched out to various other parts of the US. I’ve personally seen their commercials play on local TV in Boston.
Or east of I-25.
When I saw the thread title, I thought it would include jokes about states other than your home state. The Colorado one has already been done, but it really is relevant only for folks living within 10 miles either side of I-25. For those of us out here on the plains, there are Kansas/Nebraska jokes:
What’s the Kansas state tree?
The phone pole
Why did the U. of Nebraska install artificial turf in the football stadium?
To stop the cheerleaders from grazing.
What does the N on the side of the University of Nebraska football helmet really stand for?
'Nowledge.
U. of Nebraska football fan gets into a cab in Denver, strikes up a conversation with the cabbie, finds out the cabbie was born in Lincoln. “Say, maybe I know your folks,” the U.N. fan says. “What’d you say your dad’s name is?” The cabbie hems and haws, the passenger presses him on the issue, finally the cabbie admits he doesn’t know who his father is or was. There is silence, but rather than apoligize for his boorishness, the passenger snort. “Shit, you don’t even know who your own daddy was? You kno what they call people like that don’cha?” The cabbie pauses a moment, then replies, “Well, down in Boulder they call 'em Cornhuskers.”
That’s all I got.
But…But…But…do they get Michael Jordan Basketballs with every order? 
I know, but Ontario’s one of those places where you really can’t peg anyone down because the cities have such distinct personalities, so if you want to know something about an Ontarian, pick a city. 
Toronto may not be a province, but it certainly is its own little world. Some Torontonians tend to forget that you actually can travel north of Steeles, east of the Rouge (hell, east of the DVP/404 to the hardcore Torontonian), and west of the 427 (except for Pearson Airport) without falling off the edge of the world.
Trust me on this; I used to live there.
We actually have two, Walkin’ Wally and The Squirrel Man.
Here is a few more Alberta ones (they may be more Calgary centred though)
- You’ve never visited Toronto, but you can rant for hours on why you hate it anyway.
- No holiday dinner is complete without perogies, cabbage rolls.
- You call Pilsner beer Lethbridge Pil and you count the bunnies.
- 3 out 4 four vehicles parked on your street is a Ford Super Chief, or another very large truck but you’ve never seen tools in the back, or mud on the wheels.
- You consider taking the day off on the first snowfall of the year, because you know everyone will have forgotten how to drive in winter weather, and it will take you at least 3 hours to get to work.
- You decide not to take the day off, because you know a chinook is coming at the end of the week, and you rather have a day off on a nice day.
- You always for cold in the winter, because you know even if it is plus 10 C, it may drop to -20 later.
- You know someone is new to town because they are wearing shorts & a t-shirt during a chinook.
- You’ve seen it snow in June, and you’ve BBQed on the patio in January on a 20 C day.
- Formal wear includes is cowboy boots, new wranglers, and a western shirt with pearl snap up buttons.
- You only know a dozen people who were born Alberta, but know a hundred people from Saskatchewan and Newfoundland.
- The word Liberal is a swear word, and voting for a Liberal is blasphemy.
- You consider culture to be the Stampede, art to be a bronzed cowboy statue, and theatre to be Stage West dinner theatre.
- The hospitals are filled to capacity, the schools are falling apart, but they better not raise taxes to pay for any services.
- The leader of this province was a wife-beating alcoholic with a 4th grade education - and everyone loved him.
- You secretly laugh at people who are buying $750,000 houses in suburbs that are a 2 hour drive to downtown because you know booms don’t last forever but you cross your fingers at every possible sign of a downturn because you don’t want the bust to happen yet.