Jokes about States/Provinces

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

You know you’re from Pennsylvania if…

You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word “snow.”

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

You owe more money on your snowmobile or John Deere than your car.

The first day of “Buck Season” and “Doe Season” is a school holiday.

Your snowblower gets stuck on your roof.

The local paper covers National and International headlines on 1/4 page but requires six pages for sports.

School closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district.

When someone says 1972, you think “Agnes,” and when someone says 1979, you think “TMI.”

You call sloppy joes “barbecue.”

When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.

You think the start of deer hunting is a National Holiday.

You pronounce “Suite” as SUIT, not SWEET. As in Living Room Suite.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You only buy your beer and soda by the case.

You think the roads in any other state are smooth.

You find -20F “a little” chilly.

You ask the waitress for “dippy eggs” for breakfast.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You know the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

There are still places you can still stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the “honor system.”

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a school bus.

You never see any Confederate Flags, except on the Gettysburg Battlefield.

You prefer Hershey’s Chocolate to Godiva.

You consider Pittsburgh to be “out west,” and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.

You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.

Share your state/province jokes!

2

Ah, New Brunswick, Canada (from one of those damned spam lists a friend sent me, but all true enough):

  1. You never meet any celebrities except Fred Penner.

  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

  3. “Vacation” means going to Fredericton.

  4. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular at Summer Fest.

  5. You measure distance in hours.

  6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

  7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.

  8. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

  9. You use a down comforter in the summer.

  10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard without flinching.

  11. You plan your financial future around bingo.

  12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events

  13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer, fish and hot dogs.

  15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

  16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the LC at any given time.

  17. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction. (Ana notes: HMMM, suspiciously sounds like Pennsylvania?)

  18. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you’re in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

  19. There’s a filthy guy who collects cans from the ditches - and you know his name.

  20. Lots of red-haired, beer drinking, french-speaking poutine eaters. And you’re one of 'em, and proud of it!

Other than the occasional specific one, most of these could be tailored to suit any eastern state/province or even small town. I wonder if more clever ones are available?

3

You switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in one day.
Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
You have stood on solid ground and watched an airplane pass beneath you.
You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but “can’t” get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
You know the ‘correct’ pronunciation of Buena Vista.
April showers bring May blizzards.
You know what a ‘Rocky Mountain Oyster’ is.
You know what a “fourteener” is.
But you don’t know what a"turn signal" is.
Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn’t seem strange.
You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
You know where the real “South Park” is.
You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
You’ve gone snow skiing in July and…
You’ve gone sunbathing in January and…
They were in the same year!
You’re not sure if Colorado extends west of the Rockies.
You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald’s in Vail.
You’ve never actually been to Aspen, much less ski there.
You see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm, and you look closer to see if it’s anyone you know.
You know the elevation of a town, but not its population.
You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it “muggy”.
You never plan a picnic between 3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months.
If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
You have a broken windshield.
You don’t have A/C in your home, but you use it in your car all winter long.
If it snows in the morning you expect it to be gone by lunchtime.
You’ve never seen the tourist attractions in your own city.
You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.
You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.
North means “mountains to the left;” south is “mountains to the right;” and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from.
You see your East Coast relatives more now than when you lived there.
You can always tell when a Texan is driving in front of you.
You know what a “trust fund hippy” is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

4

Rhode Island (my home state)
You know your a Rhode Islander if:

Khakis are something you start the car with
You think crosswalks are for wimps
You think if someone’s nice to you, they either want something or they are from out of town and probably lost
You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds
You think it’s not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you
You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through…and that a red light means 2 more can
Subway is a fast food place
You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house.
There are 24 Dunkin Donuts Shops within 15 minutes of your house.
When people talk about the “curse of the Bambino,” you know exactly what they are talking about, and you believe in it, too
Anything past Worcester is “the middle of nowhere”
You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy
If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 or more different names
Someone has honked at you because you didn’t peel out the second the light turned green
All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience
Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it
Six inches of snow is considered a “dusting”
Three days of 90+ heat is definitely a “heat wave”…and 63 degree weather is “on the warm side”
$15 to park is a bargain

5

Aah, I hate that! Isn’t it great how we’ve switched places?

You know you’re from Southern California when …

You’ve inadvertently learned Spanish.
That guy at starbucks wearing a baseball cap who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
You know how to eat an artichoke
You’ve never been on a subway
You’ve never seen snow
You judge people based on what area code they live in
You recognize places on TV and in movies
You don’t get snow days but you do get earthquake days
You’ll tell anyone who will listen that Coffee Bean is ten times better than Starbucks and that In-and-Out is amazing
You don’t think East-West, you think towards the ocean - away from the ocean
Leaving the state is a big deal

6

You get stuck in a traffic jam at 4 a.m.
People sell you fruit while you’re waiting at a red light.
People are generally assholes.
Every driver on the freeway is either an aggressive jerk or a stupid idiot (and this includes you)
The four seasons are early summer, summer, brush fires, and rain.
Two inches of rain is considered a natural disaster.
The weather report is always followed by the smog report.
Carpool lanes look like roller coasters [O.C. only]

7

…You notice that the guy is George Clooney, and you shrug a little and make a mental note to tell someone later. It’s not a huge deal.

…People stare at you as though you have 3 heads if you mention you don’t drive.

…You complain about the cold if it drops under 40 Farenheit at night (50 during the day).

…You get nervous when you travel out of state and go in a subway, because what if there’s an earthquake?

…You deliberately call San Francisco ‘Frisco’ just to irritate Northern Californians.

…You’ve ever made a ‘909’ joke.

…You can drive an hour one way and go skiing or drive an hour the other way and go to the beach, on the same day.

…You’ve driven a car with a mutilated In N Out Burger bumper sticker.

…You put ‘the’ in front of freeway numbers. (“Take the 134 to the 210”)

…The idea of toll roads or bridges is wierd and you still don’t trust that one that they put up on the 91 a few years back.

…You know at least 6 or 7 people who are taking acting classes.

…You have ever been to a “Finally got my SAG card” party.

…You’ve picked up money being an extra.

…You’ve never taken a Spanish class, but you’ve picked up enough to be able to puzzle out the front page of La Opinion.

…You went to high school with kids with last names like Smith, Jackson, Chien, Soon, Hernandez, Puruganan, Vartanian, and Nguyen, and didn’t think it was a big deal.

8

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM WEST VIRGINIA IF:
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
Stores don’t have shopping carts; they have buggies.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable,or grain.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with ice & snow.
You cook green beans for hours.
You don’t ever park your car without setting the emergency brake.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Road Construction.
Your parents have threatened to have you sent to Pruntytown.
You can watch someone order a hotdog and know in what part of the state they live. Chili AND slaw, anyone?
You can spell words like Allegheny, Monongalia, Monongahela, Kanawha and Hawks Nest.
You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
You know at least one couple who went to Virginia or Maryland to get married.

Looks like WV is a lot like New Brunswick!

9

Why do football fields in Iowa all have artificial turf?

So the cheerleaders don’t graze on the field after the game.

Why don’t folks from Minnesota drink Kool-Aid?

Because they don’t know how to fit two quarts of water into that tiny aluminum envelope.

Why can’t you walk the length of Massachusetts?

Because you can’t hold your breath for that long.
**
Why are there no volcanoes in Alabama?**

Because there are no virgins there to sacrifice them.

What do Michigan and pot have in common?

They both get smoked in bowls.

10

Reminds me…

You and everyone around you know you’re a recent implant in So Cal when you don’t consider In N Out to be the end all and be all of burgers.

11

BLASPHEMY!!!

12

I came to this thread expecting to see jokes like:

Why is New Mexico so windy?
Because Arizona sucks and Texas blows.

But looks like there’s one of these from every state…

You Know You’re From New Mexico When…

You buy salsa by the gallon.

You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.

Your favorite restaurant has a chile list instead of a wine list.

You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.

Your Christmas decorations include “a yard of sand and 200 paper bags”.

You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.

Most restaurants you go to begin with “El” or “Los”.

You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.

You price-shop for tortillas.

You have an extra freezer just for green chile.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.

You don’t make eye contact with other drivers because you can’t tell how well armed they are just by looking.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.

You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.

You pass on the right because that’s the fast-lane.

You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.

You know they don’t skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn’t sell newspapers.

You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley.

You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.

You can’t control your car on wet pavement.

There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.

You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.

You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.

Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.

You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.

You can actually hear the Taos hum.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.

You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.

You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.

You iron your jeans to “dress up”.

You don’t see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.

You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.

Your car is missing a fender or bumper.

You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3am because you were hungry.

You think the Lobos fight song is “Louie, Louie”

You know whether you want “red or green and sometimes you may even want Christmas”

You’re relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot-holes.

You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque.

You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for “international” shipping.

You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.

You can order your Big Mac with green chile.

You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.

You associate bridges with mud, not water.

Our “rivers”, no matter how badly we want them to be classified as a river, are actually streams.

You know you will run into at least 3 cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam’s or Home Depot.

Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.

If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.

Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are “real” houses.

A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don’t need to write it on your shopping list; it’s a given.

At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.

Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.

A tarantula on your porch is ordinary. A scorpion in your tub is ordinary. A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary. A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common. A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.

13

I’ve been made aware of this by a number of people. In general I’ve learned to keep that opinion to myself.

14

My favorite Minnesota joke ever! (My home state)

A Minnesotan walks into a bar in Iowa and sits down and orders a drink. The bartender returns with his drink and the Minnesotan says “Hey, y’wanna hear a good Iowa joke?” The bartender leans down to the Minnesotan and says,“Before you tell that Iowa joke, you see those two big guys over there? Two Linebackers from Iowa. See them two big guys over there? Two big sod busters from Iowa. And those two big men over there? Two meat packers from Iowa. Now…you still wanna tell that Iowa joke?”

The Minnesotan goes,“Well hell no. not if I gotta explain it 6 times!”

15

Why do people from New Hampshire lock their cars?

So that no one can leave zucchini in the back seat.

…yeah, we have a lot of zucchini sometimes.

16

You know you’re in Alberta when:

  • every conversation with a stranger starts with, “So, where are you from?”
  • every conversation includes discussions of the original price/current value of your house
  • you know why the phrase “NEP” is a swear word
  • you plan to riot if they ever try to change the name of a local mountain to Trudeau
  • you count how many booms (and busts) you’ve lived through
  • you try to not think about what’s going to happen when the oil runs out
  • you haven’t been to Banff since parks went pay-to-play
  • you really can’t stand people from BC because they’re such incredible pinko hippies
  • working 60 hours a week seems normal to you
17

You’re probably from Michigan if…

“Vacation” means going to Cedar Point.

At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian… eh!

You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

It’s easy to get VERNORS ginger ale and Sanders hot fudge sauce, and Faygo pop.

You know how to pronounce “Mackinac”.

You’ve had to switch on the “heat” and the “A/C” in the same day.

You bake with SODA and drink a POP.

The movie “Escanaba in Da Moonlight” wasn’t funny. You consider it a documentary.

Your little league game was snowed out.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your right hand.

Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

When giving directions, you refer to “A Michigan Left”.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn’t that far from Hell.

Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.

Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.

You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.

Man, I love my state. I’m so sad there are no jobs here. :frowning: It will be hard to go.

18

You know you are from Louisiana if…

* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

* Every so often, you have waterfront property.

* When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

* You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.

* You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

* The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

* You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

* You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

* You like your rice and politics dirty.

* You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

* You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

* You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

* When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-through Daiquiri place, and they look at you like you have three heads.

* You consider a Bloody Mary a light breakfast.

* You leave a parade with footprints on the top of your hands.

* Your first sentence was "Throw me something mistah" and your first drink was from a go-cup.

* You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.

* No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food.

* When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

* Your house payment is less than your air conditioning bill.

* You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.

* No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants.
19

Unless you are from da UP, eh. Den you use yer left hand held sideways, don’cha’know.

20

Saskatchewan: Easy to draw, hard to spell.

Where you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away, for three days.