Anybody know any jokes that work best when told to “those in the know?” I’ll start.
My first husband said he made this up. It cracked me up. He’d point to his left hand and ask, “How is my hand like a lemon pie?”
Answer: “It’s got my ring on it.” (Pronounced mah rang.)
Anybody else got one?
Why is it so windy in Oklahoma?
Because Kansas sucks and Texas blows.
Think NCAA football for the double meaning.
It was so cold in [Washington] DC yesterday that the escalators on Metro [subway] were frozen in place!
Escalators on Metro are notoriously unreliable and frequently do not operate, becoming stairs.
How do we know the Three Wise Men were firemen?
They came from afar. (“a fire” in Southern)
From Minnesota, where Scandinavian accents abound:
Sven and Ole are going to take a bus from Minneapolis to Duluth. As Sven gets on the bus, he asks the bus driver, “does this bus go to Duluth [too-doo-loot]?” The bus driver says, “nope, it goes beep-beep like all the rest.”
There are quite a few jokes in Indiana about “the region” (Lake County in northwest Indiana, where I was from). I didn’t know “the region” existed until I went to college and hung out with people who weren’t from it. It’s kind of a “Top 10” list format, like so:
You might be a Region Rat if:[ol]
[li]You know more about current events in Illinois than you’ve ever known about Indiana.[/li][li]You don’t drink soda, you drink pop.[/li][li]You think anything south of US-30 is “Southern Indiana”[/li][li]You’re more likely to know the name of the mayor of Chicago than the mayor of your own city.[/li][li]You’ve never really considered yourself a Hoosier.[/li][li]Your father worked at the steel mill, just like his father did, and his father’s father, and his father’s father’s father…[/li][li]If anyone outside the region asks you where you’re from, your answer is always, “Chicago.”[/li][li]You had no idea that Indianapolis had a football team because you were too busy cheering for Da Bears! (baseball/the Cubs, basketball/Da Bulls, etc)[/li][/ol]
West Central Scotland, old joke:
A guy walks into the baker’s shop, points at something on the counter and asks “Is that a donut or a meringue?”
The baker replies “No, you’re right enough son, it’s a donut.”
Sigh. I’m going to get in trouble for this.
Why won’t Northampton ever flood?
Because . . .
[spoiler]
There’s a dyke on every sidewalk!
Eh? Eh!? Get it?! Because there are a lot of lesbians there, you see! Which are sometimes called dykes! (though not generally in their hearing, except by each other) Which is hilarious, because it’s pronounced the same way as dike! Which would be a good thing to have around in the case of a flood, amirite? I mean, assuming they weren’t placed at random and inside of buildings as people normally are, but were stratigically arranged around the lower parts of the town.
Which is funny because . . . well . . . not funny really, but there’s a certain wordplay . . . no not really.
Well, it’s funny if you’re stupid. It helps if you’re 12, as well.
And I suppose it would be helpful if some of the lesbians were willing to help out with the sandbags and maybe directing traffic.
Crap. This is going to cost me my D-Word Privilges, isn’t it?[/spoiler]
–
We actually had some flooding what with the hurricane and all. But not much, and not in the town proper.
I don’t know if this joke is told in other places with a temperate winter climate, but I’ve heard this one:
Q. How do you know it’s fall in Arizona?
A. The license plates all change color.
Because of the “snowbirds” from Northern states who travel south for the winter.
My cousin is from Southern Indiana and they all tell “Kentuckian” jokes, which to be honest are recycled Polish jokes for the most part.
One that cracked me up was something along the lines of “Why did it take the Kentuckian so long to paint the stripes on the road? He kept getting farther and farther away from the can.”
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[New York accent]:Fuck you!
Note: I’m a New Yorker.
Why doesn’t Portland (OR) have a professional football team?
Because then Seattle would want one too.
If you’re from waaay out in the sticks you should be able to read this:
Person A: “M R Snakes”
Person B: “M R Not”
A: “S A R. C M B D I’s?”
B: “L I B! M R Snakes!”
Person A: “M R Ducks”
Person B: “M R Not”
A: “S A R. C M E D B D Wangs?”
B: “L I B! M R Ducks!”
Here’s one for Jeff Foxworthy:
If you have to stop and remember to put your teeth in before you go out—you might be a redneck.
Heh, we Geordies have a similar one:
Geordie is having tea with the queen. The queen asks “would you like an eclair, Geordie, or a meringue?”
Geordie replies: “yer not wrang, yer reet pet, I’ll have an eclair.”
Cheryl Cole goes into the doctor’s.
“Doctor, doctor, me armpits smell of coconut!”
Doctor replies: “Well, they’re Bounty.”
Please translate.
It took me a while, but bounty = a bar of chocolate covered coconut and bounty, in Ms Coles Geordie accent, sounds like bound too (boun tee).
Well done Springtime. Reward yourself with one of these.
ETA: or one of these.
Why doesn’t Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks.
