Hampton Roads, Virginia:
“Damn, that hurricane better slow its approach up the coast; if it hits Emporia going that speed, it’s gonna get pulled over.”
“Should we walk, or do we have time to take the T?”
“You know that white sauce at the Mexican restaurant isn’t really queso, right?”
In fact, it has no cheese in it whatsoever. It’s primarily made of Miracle Whip and spices.
Why is a clumsy misogynist like Stuart Broad?
Because they both want to bowl a maiden over.
Used for several Australian politicians in their time, but I’m sure its perfectly transferable. For reference, Tony Abbott is a former Aust. prime minister who just will not go away.
Q. Why isn’t Tony Abbott circumcised?
A. Because there’s no end to the prick.
(Scottish)
A man walks into a bakery and asks “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”
The baker says “You’re right its a doughnut”
(North-East England - specifically the town of Ashington)
A woman walks into a hairdresser’s salon and asks for a perm. “Alright,” says the hairdresser, after some thought. “Mary had a little lamb…”
This hinges on the vowel sounds. In an Ashington accent, the word “poem” is pronounced “perm”. The punchline is funnier out loud, because you can deliver it in the same accent: “Murrrry had a little lurrm…”
Answer: 9W.
Question: Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wagner?
9W is a U.S. highway that runs between Fort Lee, New Jersey and Albany, New York.
In Durham NC, I went with a couple of coworkers to a BBQ restaurant. Nikki is a southern girl, and Chris is a self-described Greco-Roman originally from NJ. The BBQ place is definitely a southern institute. They serve sweet tea, fried okra, banana pudding, and all those tasty foods that gave us high blood pressure and made us diabetic.
Chris said in his machine gun patter, “Guys, since I’ve now lived in the south longer than the north, that makes me a southerner!” Nikki and I said no. I said “Let me tell you a joke that only southerners will get. I was in a diner like this one, and the waitress told me ‘Honey, ah didn’t have any sugar for your tea, so ah stirred it with mah finger.’”
Nikki laughed, but Chris was shocked. He said “Omigod, did you report her to the health department?” I said “That’s why you will never be a southerner.”
It’s not a north/south thing, any healthy adult male would understand that. For more than one reason Chris’s response indicates some level of brain damage.
Uh no, Chris develops learning matrixes for state boards of education. He’s definitely not brain damaged, and you weren’t there.
That whole flirtatious, gender-stereotypical “I’m so sweet my finger is like sugar” attitude is not something I’d expect from New Jersey women, in my experience. Definitely not from a waitress.
Q - If a one ‘L’ lama is a Tibetan spiritual leader, and a two ‘L’ llama is a South American animal, what’s a three ‘L’ lllama?
A - A wicked big fiah
That is a good joke, but Terry Pratchett and others also used it.
And I understand his reaction.
Question: What happens when the smog finally lifts over Los Angeles?
Answer: UCLA
Question- Why should Arnold Schwarzenegger have been trumps Press Secretary?
Answer: Because he could explain the trumps administration’s positions in the original German!
Ok, you’re right, I wasn’t there, just read it wrong I guess.
Wisconsin
A guy and girl are making out in the back seat of his car.
She moaned “kiss me where it stinks”.
So he drove her to Cudahy.
I grew up in Cleveland Ohio in the seventies and this one made the rounds:
Did you hear about the man who had a pacemaker that was built in Alliance (Ohio)? Every time he saw a pretty girl every garage door in the neighborhood would open!
Explainer: At the time, Genie garage door openers were manufactured in Alliance.
I can’t believe the reactions this joke is getting. I can assure you, the sweet southern belle stereotype existed long before Terry Pratchett.
“Harvard is, arguably, the second finest university in all of Cambridge, Massachusetts.”
Also this bit from This is Spinal Tap: