A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
The guy who overdosed on horse pills? He’s in stable condition.
How’s the guy who was in the car crash and lost his whole left side? He’s alright now.
There was an accident at the water slide park this weekend. Apparently someone went down the slide with a knife in their pocket. The knife came out and cut off the big toe of the person behind them. The ambulance refused to come, saying it was out of their jurisdiction.
But everything is okay now, they called a tow truck.
I see that we’re including “jokes that your brain pretends it didn’t hear.”
I once described a guy as “hung like a witch as Salem.” One person got it about two minutes later, and then couldn’t stop laughing. Another person had to have it explained to her that no, no one was burned at the stake in Salem. I thought I’d hit on a really good one. I was so disappointed.
Here’s one I didn’t make up, that sometimes takes time to sink in, and is hilarious when it does.
Q: Why did the Siamese Twins move to London?
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A: So the other one could drive.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other one is a little lighter.
mmm
I heard that a couple weeks ago and it fell flat to me because a Zippo is fairly large as lighters go. At the very smallest it’s a medium lighter, and that’s if you include campfire/bbq lighters, otherwise I’d call it a large lighter.
Absolutely true story:
In Holetown, Barbados, there is a row of stores, gifts, clothes,… called Chattel Village. One of the stores has a chalkboard outside on which they post ads, jokes, whatever. Almost exactly one year ago, they posted: “Oscar Pistorius doesn’t have a leg to stand on”.
When the ark landed, Noah told the critters to go forth and multiply. Two snakes seemed confused and said “we can’t, we’re adders.”
I have found there are two types befuddled by this. Some think “Why can’t adders reproduce?” because they know adders are snakes. Others think “OK, why can these snakes only add?” since they don’t know there are snakes called adders.
For a good time, say you have a good knock knock joke, but someone else has to start it.
Of course there was the riddle from “Batman.” (Yeah, I know. Riddle =/= joke.)
Three men are in a boat. They want to have a smoke. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. How can they smoke their cigarettes?
They throw one of their cigarettes overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.
There was a car dealership in town with a gigantic static cling pink ribbon in the window, and below it, the banner, “Support breast cancer.” I immediately was appalled, but a few people I pointed it out to had to have it explained to them what was wrong with it. Most people did not, though, just a few.
While this thread is reanimated, I figured I’d respond to this. This joke, like a lot of pun jokes, works better in print if you spell out the pun.
“Simple,” he answered. “It’s where the sons raise meat.”
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
By “works better,” do you mean, “sinks in faster”? Because check the thread title :).
I answered this in a spoiler in the first rising of this thread.
Yep. Post 123
A patient with a bandage wrapped around his ankle knocks on a neurologist’s door.
“The nurse couldn’t tell whether I should see you or the psychiatrist,” the patient says.
“What seems to be the problem?” The doctor gestures him to sit down.
“I have an extremely bad headache.” The patient rubs his forehead.
“Then why is the bandage wrapped around your ankle?” The doctor asks.
“It slipped down,” the patient replies.
It took me a long time before I got this classic line from HHGTTG:
Ford: “It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.”
Arthur: “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?”
Ford: “You ask a glass of water.”
I have a liking for the follow-on to this joke: some while after, Noah takes a tour of inspection, checking up on how his ex-passengers are doing. He finds the adders denned-up among a number of felled-and-trimmed tree trunks, with a satisfying number of baby adders slithering around the place. He says, “I see you’ve figured out the multiplying thing – good work.”
“That’s right, Mr. Noah,” say the adders. “In the end, we used logs.”
Don’t get this one.
Don’t get this one either.
Even more annoying, I don’t get what HHGTTG stand for.
mmm
For the second one, HHGTTG stands for Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And if a glass of water could talk, it would say it’s very unpleasant to have been drunk. As in past tense of drink