No one’s ever said anything to me about posting jokes on here, but I’m new too, so…
And… They are pointless.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,“They will in a minute.”
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy Father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without hesitation, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
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An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”
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A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
“How did you know?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”
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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?”
The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier: “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
Nine-year old: “Nope, not for my sister either.”
Cashier, curious now: “If they’re not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine-year old says, “They’re for my four-year old brother.”
Surprised, the cashier asks, “Your little brother right here??”
Nine year old explains: “Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can’t do either!”
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “And what’s the
moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched."
“That was a fine story Lucy.”
“Johnny do you have a story to share?”
"Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen: Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
“Don’t mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the
door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the
first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the floor is perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with
one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.
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Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by letting loud farts, so his teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, he said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody and I’m very proud of that fact.”
“If I show you that I can do it better, will you stop?”
He agreed, so the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Little Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
Then, the teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted. But, when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Little Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing, and as she repeated the process, Little Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt, and remarked, “No wonder you won – you have a Double-Barrel!”
