If you’re going to be an idot/asshole and come to a dead stop on a road with a 50mph speed limit so someone going the other direction can make a left turn, make sure your fucking brake lights work! It took me a second and a half longer than I’m comfortable with to figure out that you were stopped. Good thing I was several car lengths behind you. You might not be so lucky the next time you try this in front of someone.
Uncle Ben had a good thing going with his long grain and wild rice recipe, but then he went and fucked it up by adding these awful little lumps of “WHOLE GRAIN” mush into everything. “Same great taste” my ass. They taste like modeling clay smells!
What’s your date of birth, Uncle Ben?
Do you know where you are?
What day is it today?
Gah.
OK, Chick-I-Know-From-Around-The-Way.
You’re cute, charming, all that.
And even though I’m usually nowhere near using up all of my cell minutes and usually never mind helping anyone, I’m done letting you borrow my cell phone.
You ask me every time you see me and, chamingly, I’m sure, say “the pay phone’s not working,” “you cell battery died,” or “I left my phone home.”
Yeah, whatever.
Our phone-mance is over.
To the guy with the five Pharaoh hounds at dog park. Did you ever think that the reason they are so aggressive and you can only bring them into the park one at a time is because they weren’t spayed or neutered!!! Intact dogs are far more aggressive.
We live in Texas, it is summer time, even with the windows cracked the temperature inside your van is extremely high. Leaving four dogs in the car while the fifth gets a turn in the park is stupid and dangerous.
Here’s another clue for you, Buddy. When asked if you were a breeder, your answer was “an accidental” breeder. Spaying and neutering your dogs would go a long way in preventing those accidents.
Email him back with the news that you’re going to be out of town until September.
Better yet, tell him you moved last month, and give him a bogus address.
To the neighbors who have dogs that are left outside to bark for hours at a time after dark, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning.
Please. Stop. Keep them inside. Train them. Buy bark collars. SOMETHING.
“barkbarkbark”
pause
“barkbarkbark”
pause
“barkbarkbark”
etc.
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
It’s especially fun when I’m trying to go to sleep.
Fuck Neti Pots.
I only tried one because my pulmonologist recommended nasal irrigation as part of a plan to try to treat this productive cough I have developed this spring. Tonight was my first, um, encounter.
Holy crap! How do people do this? It feels like the kindergarten version of waterboarding. My eyes started to water as I got flashbacks of being a kid and learning how to swim without holding my nose. Snorted, tried the other nostril – even worse. As sensations go, I’d put it half a notch above getting kicked in the shins with steel-toed boots. Tomorrow morning, I get to try to drown myself again.
Or, even better than that, tell him that you’ll be hosting a sky-clad gathering in honor of the equinox. Doesn’t matter whether the timing is right. If he catches the error, tell him that you’re Reformed Pagan, with a different holy calendar.
This is probably a full-blown pit, but I don’t feel like typing very much: Stalking is bad. Really. Please quit making me call in favors from the local police department just because I haven’t agreed to go out with you. I’m not technically afraid of you, but you are more than twice my size, you know where I work, and you don’t seem to understand normal social boundaries. I don’t want to think that I need to use my concealed carry permit to come to work. And I also don’t want to keep calling friends of mine who are local police officers, just because you’re stupid. (And that’s the real reason I didn’t accept the date. Doorposts and bags of hair are more interesting conversationalists.) You’re a seemingly nice guy. Don’t keep pushing the situation. It’s a bad idea.
Well June sucks and it’s been less than a week.
Allergies and/or a cold have been kicking my ass since Monday.
Also, a really cool potential girlfriend turned out to be less cool than I thought. So bachelor-hood may still be in my future. We shall see.
June sucks.
You aren’t my stalker, are you? 'Cause if you are, the police sergeant is tired of warning you to find someone else to annoy! (I don’t think so, though, because I’m cooler than most potential girlfriends! 
Just much too old for you.)
The outrage to end all outrages: the way dried apricots are packed. As in, shallow tray with ill-fitting lid, such that when said tray is jostled, lid comes loose, sending apricots onto floor. There has to be a better way! If only I could put my finger on it…
Dear kitty,
I appreciate your endless affection. I really do. Don’t I pet you every night and let you sleep on my pillow with me? Sometimes I do need my space. For example when I masturbate it’s pretty weird to be jostled from my fantasy by you suddenly rubbing on the task at hand.
I know you love me, and though you are female, you are not human, and it would never work. We must be just friends.
?? At my elbow I have a round paperboard carton with a plastic snap on lid, exactly the same packaging used for raisins for many years. It’s says “Sunsweet Premium Mediterranean Apricots” 16 oz.
Only $4.99, so I question how premium they are, still: they taste good and they are easily extracted from the can, no danger of spilling on the floor.
Maybe you need to change your brand.
Lettuce, you’re doing well. All three types of potatoes, you’re rocking it. You tomatoes are thriving. Carrots, despite an early issue, you’re coming along now. Yellow garden beans, what’s the deal? You started out kicking ass thanks to all my love and attention but now all 9 of you are dying. Fuck you Yellow Garden Beans. Sick of you.
Are you keeping your mouth open? (The image of swimming makes me think of a person with their mouth closed.)
And tilt your head down to about 90 degrees forward from its normal position. If you have a neti pot rather than a nasal rinse squeeze bottle, you can turn your head to one side and irrigate the “upper” nostril.
Last I checked, cats don’t have thumbs and cannot easily operate doorknobs.
Just sayin’.
(my cat tried to wash off my man-bits mid-act once. Neither my wife nor I was happy about that)
Yes, I keep my mouth open and tilt my head forward and to the side. It seems to be running in one nostril and out the other like it’s supposed to, I just object to the sensation of water in my nose, period. Maybe I’ll try adjust the salinity a little bit – I might have made it hypotonic (added too much water), which would add to the discomfort.
No stalking just yet. Not that desperate. 
And nothing wrong with older women. Stands a good chace you’re more mature than any girl I’m dating. Probably will even know what you like and want in a man. Unlike aforementioned Not-As-Cool-As-I-Thought girl. :dubious:
Some people miss the part about needing the water to be exactly body temperature. Most people tend to make it too warm when they first start using.