Just feeling down in the dumps

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Excuse me while I wallow in self-pity.

I’m six months pregnant with my first child. From the beginning, I knew her father wouldn’t be part of our lives and I accepted that. I haven’t asked him for a thing, not assistance, not money, nothing. He walked away when I was 7 weeks pregnant and though we still have each other’s contact information I didn’t hear from him again, nor did I expect to.

It’s started playing on my mind this week that she’ll be born in three months, and that without his signature, her birth certificate will simply say “Father: Unknown”. This bothers me so much… as a genealogist, the idea of incorrect information on a certificate makes me twitch, and as a mother-to-be, the notion that my child’s father name will go unrecorded is, for lack of a better word, hurtful. So the day before yesterday I initiated contact with him to try to sound him out on signing the certificate when she’s born. He refuses. He says he thinks it best if he’s not involved at all, and that he doesn’t want a daughter turning up in his life out of the blue years down the track. I’m so frustrated about this because not signing the certificate doesn’t mean she vanishes, or her biological makeup changes, or that it will have any impact on whether or not she wants to seek him out someday. It just means the circumstances of her conception will be incorrectly recorded.

He fathered her and he’s getting off easy - nothing in his life changes - yet he won’t even part with a signature on a piece of paper to acknowledge his role in her creation. I thought perhaps he was worried about admitting paternity in case it put him on the hook for child maintenance payments, and so I reassured him that I had no intention of going back on my earlier promise to raise her unaided, but also suggested he might like to seek legal advice before he commit to anything so he knows where he stands. He said that fear over admitting liability was secondary, his main concern is that he doesn’t want any connection with her because he doesn’t want a child.

I don’t want to have to go to court and fight him over this but my only other option seems to be to drop it and file the certificate with all his information missing and that idea grieves me greatly.

I am just feeling very teary about this today and I needed to get it out.

2

I think if you look at The Births Deaths and Marriages Registration Act there is provision under Sections 15 and 16 for you to have both parents registered even if he doesn’t agree. The reasons are pretty broad:

(b) one parent of the child makes an application for the inclusion of registrable information about that identity and the other parent cannot join in the application because—
(i) he or she is dead; or
(ii) he or she cannot be found; or
(iii) of some other reason; or
(c) one parent of the child makes an application for the inclusion of registrable information about that identity and the Registrar is satisfied that the other parent does not dispute the correctness of that information;

So hopefully you can just proceed with the registration regardless.

3

I may be wrong, but I believe if he signs the birth certificate, he is liable for child support. That signature implies that he is aware of the birth, acknowledges his role in it, and is subsequently responsible for any and all child support requested. I am not implying that you are going to make such a request, but legally that piece of paper could be used against him. I would hate to think someone in this day and age is a complete bastard and would run out on their offspring, but unfortunately we all know that deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen. That was my initial take on the situation.

4

Thanks don’t ask.

I realise that, but if he doesn’t sign it achieves what? A delay of several months? If I make a claim for child support, it goes to family court, he’s asked to provide a DNA sample, he can choose not to but the court would take that into account when determining whether or not he’s the father and ultimately he has to pay anyway. I haven’t researched this aspect thoroughly because it’s my intention to abide by our verbal agreement and raise her without his support, but that’s my understanding.

5

See a lawyer Cazzle. A legal service - like Springvale or Fitzroy - would be fine. Talk to Centrelink. Your child’s rights to information and to financial support are not affected by any agreement you may have made with the father.

6

Others are better equipped to give you advice, so I will just send supporting thoughts your way.

7

In my state (US, Texas) he does not have to sign anything. The mother can fill out the certificate with either the name of the “father” or the “presumed father”. Perhaps you will have a better idea of how to fill out the form if you could get a look at one.

I tried to view our copy on-line, but was not able to do so…not sure why. The on-line forms are different than the ones I see at work. I’m working tomorrow so will double check just for my own edification.

Perhaps you could view on-line, visit the local birth record office or (better) the birth record office at the hospital where you plan to deliver to view the form.

Alos, I have to agree with Hawthorne. This is not you call to make. Your (noble, selfish?) intentions toward the father do not negate you child’s rights. I, too think you should visit with a lawyer to clarify.

I often hear divorced people say they will not enforce child support so they don’t have to provide visitation, etc., but what I hear in these situations is a whole lot of what “I” want. You child may want, and has a right to, other things. Since you can’t know now what those things are at this time, you should probably fill the forms out honestly.

8

Also, I don’t think you should let him off in terms of child support. Yes, that may leave him open for visitation, but if he’s not interested, he won’t take it.

I hear people say that babies are expensive, and they are, but the cost of children does not get less once they are out of diapers. It gets more expensive. You may not want the money, but it is not technically yours. If you do not want it for living expenses, put it in a savings account of some kind for the child.

9

Cazzle, I send a giant hug to you.

My step-daughter went through something similar and she insisted on putting the sperm-donor’s name on the birth certificate and giving her child his last name. I suspect she still harbored the fantasy that they would all be one happy family.

However, five years later, he still stays unemployed or works for cash so he won’t have to pay child support. He has another girlfriend supporting him now and he insists on have his visitation (which my step-daughter agreed to). Since he doesn’t have transportation, she has to drop off and pick up the kid. They take turns trying to provoke the other to anger. Neither seem to have my grandaughter’s well-being in mind.

So, when considering what to do next, think about several years down the road. Yes, he has a legal and moral obligation to support his child, but will it be worth the drama and the anger and the energy to extract his obligation? You’re the only one that can answer that.

10

Sorry to hear you’re feeling down. It’s sad that he isn’t being more supportive.
Why did you decide not to ask for child support? Is he abusive or something? Unless it’s something like that, I have to agree with this comment:

He’s her father, whether he likes it or not. If he didn’t want to be responsible for a kid, he shouldn’t have taken the risk of getting you pregnant.

11

{{{{{{Cazzle}}}}}}}

12

He’s never been abusive, but we were never involved in a relationship. It was just one of those things. My marriage had ended quite suddenly and brutally six months earlier and I was still reeling… neither of us were looking for a serious involvement and then we found each other. It was never going anywhere.

When I found out I was pregnant, we were both shell-shocked. He wanted me to abort and while intellectually I agreed that it was the most sensible course, I just couldn’t even think about doing so. However, I felt so incredibly guilty that all the choices were mine and he had no say in the matter so I told him that he didn’t have to be involved if he didn’t want to. It was the closest thing I could give him to a choice after the fact. He appeared to agonize over the decision for a week or so and then told me that, though he’d prefer that I terminated the pregnancy altogether, he’d step out of our lives and not be involved. I told him that if he ever changed his mind, the door would always be open to him or any member of his family who wanted to have contact with the baby, and he said he didn’t intend to tell his family anything about this at all. He also said he’d never wanted to have children, even if he married some day, so he couldn’t imagine changing his mind. Regardless, I said that I’d make sure I always let him know our addresses and phone numbers if we moved so that he could find us if he wanted to. He didn’t seem keen even for that, but he agreed.

The baby will have my surname, no matter what. I don’t want his signature for that - and I don’t need it: While I can’t give his details on her birth certificate without his signature (or a court order identifying him as the father), I can give her any surname that I choose… be it mine, his or something I made up on the spur of the moment.

Not needing to worry about visitation (frankly) does make my life a little easier, but I would never deny him the chance to get to know his daughter if he was to change his mind. Whether he’s listed as her father on the certificate or not is neither here nor there with regard to that.

I don’t even have a photograph of him that I can show her and he’s not going to be in her life in any other way, he has made that much clear. All I want is her birth certificate to be filled in completely and correctly because it should be. Her father IS known, beyond a shadow of a doubt. To record his identity as “unknown” would be a lie. I know that this is not going to bother her for many years, but it will always bother me.

This thread is probably going to make it seem like I’ve done nothing more than sit around feeling miserable for months and nothing could be further from the truth. I’m excited about my baby girl, circumstances be damned, and pregnancy has been the most incredible experience of my life. My family - after the initial shock - have also been supportive and excited too. She - Annabel, her name is going to be Annabel Rose - is my parent’s first grandchild and the day my mother found out I was having a girl, she went out and bought up an amazing amount of pink everything (I suspect partly for the chance to brag to vendors that she’s getting a granddaughter). She’s carrying copies of my ultrasound scans in her purse and will show them to any unlucky soul who can’t get away fast enough. My brother is thrilled about being a first-time (biological) uncle and pats my belly every time he sees me, and beams. Mum’s best friend has declared herself surrogate grandmother and she’s already looking forward to Annabel having playdates with her real grandbabies at her house. My own grandmother is industriously working on secret gifts for Annabel. My friends don’t seem to be able to walk past a baby store without picking up something for her, and my co-workers have been amazingly generous too. Annabel’s arrival is greatly anticipated by many people and, despite my regret that I can’t offer her the traditional family unit, I have no doubt that she will never lack for people to love her. I started this thread because I was feeling uncharacteristically blue, but this has been in many ways one of the happiest times of my life. I have always wanted children and after four years of infertility wrecked my marriage I never thought I’d have any. I feel like she was meant to be.

Thank you all for your support and advice, and for giving me a place to vent.

13

That’s a beautiful name. The best of luck to you, Cazzle mom.

14

Cazzle, it seems to me you are being very rational and very kind in this less-than ideal situation. I wish you the very best and get the sense that you will be a great mom.

**Cazzle **also took that risk, of course, but once she became pregnant, the outcome was entirely her decision. She decided not to abort, against the father’s wishes. She decided not to put the baby up for adoption. That is her right, as it should be, and I respect her decision. But the father had no say, and in my opinion, he should not be automatically responsible for eighteen years of emotional or financial support in this circumstance, and he should not be despised for declining to attempt it.

I have had sex without the intent to have children. But since I am a woman in a culture with widely available birth control, where the woman has the final word on abortion and adoption, I have never had to worry that I might have a child without the express intention and desire to have a child. I imagine that having no control over one’s own parenthood is profoundly unsettling for men. I admire the justness of Cazzle’s behavior, especially since her decision carries a burden of difficult and conflicting emotions. It would presumably be much easier for her to demonize him, and she would find no dearth of allies.

15

She (Annabel) needs to know at least the name of her father, if not for her mental health, then also for her physical health. Have you asked him about any diseases that may run in his family? I don’t mean to scare you or give you fresh worry, but this guy needs to realize that there is more at stake here than just money.

And I can’t believe (oh, yes, I can) that he’s being such a dick. No one is asking him to be Father of the Year, but he could at least acknowledge that you two had relations and Annabel is the result.
Guys DO have control over pregnancy. Condoms. True, they can break, but the Pill can fail as well. Maybe guys like him need to THINK about sex like women have to–and not just assume that they can walk away. The lady may decide against an AB and adoption–take that into consideration when trying out those pick up lines in bars. That’s more realistic and honest, IMO. Not–it’s ok that he doesn’t have to do squat once he’s ejaculated and moved on. Sorry, this kind of stuff really pisses me off. :mad:

I know a girl who is 19, pregnant and the guy has told her he will make sure he never gets a good job, so that she can’t come after him for money. What a mind.

I’m sorry you are having this worry. Best of luck to you and Annabel. Post pics when she arrives!

16

Hugs to Cazzle and Annabel Rose. May you find the love and support you deserve, if you don’t already have it.

17

It sounds like you have a lot of love and support from your family and friends and I think that is just wonderful.

In todays world there is no traditional family unit anymore, at least I don’t feel there is. There are so many different ways that children are raised today and it sounds like Annabel Rose is going to have a strong and loving childhood.

I think you are an increditably strong person and you have a clear head about everything.

If there is a way to place his name on the birth certificate without his signature than do it. He may not want to be involved but she still has the right to have his name listed as her father.

I wish you all the best with your new baby girl and her name is lovely.

18

Cazzle, official certificates aside, how about writing your daughter a letter about her father? One that contains all info you have about him now, for her to read later when she wants that kind of information? You don’t have a picture, but you can make a description of him. Write down why you were attracted to him (she’ll look for those traits in herself later). You may even include transcripts of phonecalls, e-mails, letters. And of course, your own musings, diary entries, maybe even a modified version of this OP.

I understand both your and the father’s decision. I feel there is something to be said for the clarity and finality of his decision. Kids thrive on clarity and clear boundaries. And judging by the kindness, reason and the ability to make everything work out for the best, that speaks from your OP, I think you won’t be alone for long, if another relationship would appeal to you. There are men out there who feel the opportunity of being a parent, even if it isn’t to their biological kid, is as great a gift as you feel it is. In that case, it makes things simpler to your kid not to have a confusing number of daddies.

I do think though, that your offer of keeping the lines open to bio-dad, in case he changes his mind, is a good idea. People do change, after all, and if he wants to be more of a father, and if you then choose to allow him to take that role, I hope he will be as clear and steadfast in his choice then as he is now.

19

Good luck Cazzle.

Do trot down to your local solicitor. For a couple of hundred dollars, you can get yourself an hour or so of time to pick that solicitor’s brains. You will be told some stuff that will make you breathe a sigh of relief, and some other stuff you don’t want to hear - but you will know, and you will walk out of there considering it money well-spent.

My sister is going through a very similar situation at the moment, and I am going through a marginally similar one. Both of us have sought professional legal advice, and both of us were immediately glad that we did.

Do the solicitor thing now. Like TODAY. You will feel much better. An initial visit to a solicitor does not make you a bitch. It does not mean you’re playing the game hard. A good brief won’t be geeing you up to take this guy to court - not on the first visit, but will tell you exactly where you stand, and what your options are and their respective pros and cons, including the option of doing nothing. You really will feel better for knowing that.

20

I agree. I understand that you told this guy that you didn’t want any money from him. But it’s about your daughter’s needs. It’s about her, not you and not him. At least see what the solicitor says.

And I hope your spirits pick up soon. You have a wonderful blessing coming in a few short months.