I’ve been in a serious relationship for over a year, and I’ve thought all along that my partner (the lovely umop ap!sdn) was a lesbian like me. That’s what she told me. But a few weeks ago she admitted to me that she was actually attracted to men and now she is saying that she no longer identifies as a lesbian, but as bisexual.
It’s pretty weird for me. For one thing, I’m still a lesbian and like to go to lesbian oriented events, and I know that some in the lesbian community don’t really take kindly to bisexuals. More importantly … I don’t know what it means for the future of my relationship with my sweetie. She really wants to “try out” sleeping with a man at some point. I think the two of us have different ideas of monogamy.
This is pretty private and personal stuff. If I was your girlfriend and you posted this and identified me on a public message board without clearing it with me first, it wouldn’t be good.
Just saying, you might want to reconsider this thread. If she knows about it and is fine with it, well, carry on I guess.
Interesting. When I started reading this thread, by the title alone I assumed it was by a male.
Never really thought about the role reversal.
Best of luck to you guys though in figuring out what each of you wants. Can’t say I really have any advice (as I’m a dude, and the bisexual thing doesn’t really bother me- it’s the monogamy part that I always focused on). Which it seems to be the same for you? Perhaps that’s what you’re worried about more? Or perhaps both- not really sure, though since she’s a poster, perhaps you can send her a PM? I totally recommend open communication between the two of you about your relationship (privately not on these boards) and what you guys want out of it? Perhaps that could clear things up for you and maybe allay some fears or substantiate them, but at least there would be less ambiguity.
As for your first statement, well, why cater to other people’s prejudices? It’s an embarrassment that so many lesbians and gays are prejudiced against bisexuals, pure and simple. On the other hand, if your girlfriend wants to sleep with someone who is not you, that’s one thing, but being a bisexual does not have anything to do with ideas about monogamy–and if your girlfriend is telling you that it does, she has another agenda. Namely, a free pass to sleep with whoever she likes.
Oh … sorry kathmandu and everyone else I should have mentioned. Yes I did ask her if I could post about it and she said go ahead, everyone knows we are together anyway.
I didn’t realize this was the case. That’s not ironic at all, what with a group of people who are constantly clamoring for tolerance and equality regardless of sexual preference are intolerant of a certain subset of people because of their… sexual preferences?
It’s pretty old school attitude, look at the Puritans - they wanted religious freedom, and immediately began to condem others for…their religious differences.
dragoncat, I hope you’re able to work out your differences. One of my college friends decided that she liked boys too after identifying as lesbian for as the first couple years I knew her (and she was really out, deciding to inform us the first day we met her that she liked girls, and hoped that wouldn’t be a problem for us straight girls) and she’s now married to a man, so I can’t in good conscience tell you that people who decide they’re bi don’t ever eventually cross over to deciding that they’re more straight than anything else.
Just because someone finds a particular sub-set of the human race attractive doesn’t mean they’ll ever date/have sex/marry anyone from that group.
I only know two bisexual women well enough to know anything at all about their romantic/sex lives, and both of them happen to be married to men at this point. One of them is leaning more heavily lesbian and I have no idea whether they’re going to stay together - the relationship there is so different from what I am accustomed to (they live in separate states) that I can’t really relate. The other is in a long-term monogamous marriage that is pretty conventional. Her husband is aware of her bisexuality and attraction to some women, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue and as near as I can tell they’re the sort who will one day celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. One of the two has has relationships with women and men, one with just men. I’ve known casually other bisexuals of both genders and all I can see is that they’re just like everyone else except their pool of potential partners is twice as big.
Anyhow - if someone is bisexual and in a relationship I don’t see where they would necessarily stray any more or less than a non-bisexual in a relationship. People who are wholly straight or wholly homosexual aren’t going to magically stop noticing attractive/interesting people outside their relationship, either. Non-bisexuals cheat and stray and even stay monogamous long term, and so do bisexuals.
I guess what I’m saying is that if she’s sleeping with you, another woman, and she’s committed to the relationship and not cheating she might well have bisexual feelings and impulses but she’s staying committed. Regardless of her “proper” classification right now she’s living the via lesbian. She wants to “try out” sleeping with a man? Well, there are a lot of sexual fantasies people have that they never actually act on, people they’re attracted to they never date, and so on. Only time will tell if that will be a problem. You two may or may not last long term. If you do break up well, she may date women or she may date men, who can say?
If the two of you have a good thing going then enjoy it. She felt comfortable enough with you to share some very personal knowledge. She’s still the exact same person she was before she told you the Deep Dark Secret. You still have to work out how you define “monogamy” just like any other couple, and that would apply regardless of your sexual orientation(s). We have at least one straight woman on the Dope who is polyamorous and in an open marriage, as an example. People in relationships are just that, people, they’re not labels or categories and while some details differ overall the same issues apply to all who have a partner(s).
So, best of luck to everyone, and keep communicating 'cause that’s the big secret to a good relationship (in my opinion).
My first instinct is to say “Get thee to Dan Savage” - if you want professional advice, he’s your man. Column or podcast - your choice.
That said, here are my two cents: based on your OP, it sounds to me like she wants to explore this new side of herself that she is only just discovering. That’s a perfectly natural response. And she’s talked to you about it rather than going off and sleeping with a guy and then (maybe) telling you about it later. So she clearly respects the boundaries of the relationship you have now.
The real question is: what do you and she want? Say that you give her the okay to go out and have meaningless sex with a couple of random guys, just to get it out of her system. Is the risk that she’ll discover that she wants to continue sleeping with men (either in addition to your relationship or “instead of” your relationship) worse than the risk that if you say no, she’ll feel stifled and resentful and eventually either cheat or leave you? I’m thinking no, but you’ll obviously have to do your own calculations based on your much greater familiarity with her. Broomstick’s points are well taken.
IMHO if she’s really serious about the “sleeping with a guy” thing, it would be better that her explorations of this side of herself be done with your knowledge and approval but with agreed rules and boundaries than in some other way. But your relationship is your relationship, and she needs to decide whether the risks of screwing it all up are worth it for her too. It works both ways*.
As for people at lesbian events not taking kindly to bisexuals…they can get stuffed. No more damn closets, say I.
I’ve only read the OP, and skimmed the replies, but the crux of the matter seems to be not that she has declared herself as bisexual, but the fact that she may at some point want to experiment with other people.
If you want a committed monogamous relationship, then you are not going to get it with someone who has decided they want to try sleeping with guys instead. It may well come to nothing, she might decide she doesn’t want to experiment, but that idea will always be at the back of both your minds.
Were she to say now that she intends to remain committed solely to you, would you trust her? If not, then your relationship has very few places to go apart from downhill.
Is she actually saying she wants to try sleeping with a man whilst still in a relationship with you? Because that’s more about the relationship than anyone’s sexuality. Hell, I’m straight and married, but I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone other than my husband who has been my only sexual partner for the last 15 years. Doesn’t mean I’d ever do it, though.
Do you love her enough to let her be herself, does she love you enough to let you be yourself, to understand that you both have a life path to walk which may or may not be with each other, and trusting that love will lead you both to the best possible path for both of you. God bless both of you.
