If one member of a couple is bi, is exploration good or bad?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First off, this thread is about bisexuality/bi-curiosity in general; it’s not specific to any particular person or people, and I have obtained permission from the mods before posting this. It’s actually a question I have pondered for a long time and since I personally can see both sides of the conundrum, I never could resolve it in my own mind. So I’m interested in hearing different viewpoints on the subject. :slight_smile:

In cases where, within an otherwise monogamous couple, one member is bi-curious or bisexual and has never “tried the other side”, is it healthy for the people involved if the bi partner never explores that other part of his/her sexuality? Has anyone here known of such a couple, or can say how they usually fare in the long term? Similarly, has anyone known of circumstances where one partner is allowed any amount of exploration, and how does that typically affect the relationship?

Please note I’m not questioning the ability of bisexuals to be faithful, nor am I asking about instances in which one partner cheats (i.e. has an outside fling without the other’s consent or knowledge).

Obviously everyone is different, and what is best for one couple might be hell on earth for another… I’m just looking for any knowledge or anecdotes you all might have on the subject.

2

You’re weighing your sexual needs (or fantasies) versus the needs of your partner. Most scenarios would probably be bad for the relationship, but there are too many variables to generalize.

3

I’ll be the first one to post and open myself up to the SDMB brickbats and say that yes it is bad from the standpoint of being a couple, and it has nothing to do with the genders or sexes, but only the fact that you’re not a couple by (my) definition if one or both folks are having other sexual partners. Two women, two men, one of each, are a couple. Once others come into the picture it’s something else, something different.

I would never allow my significant other to fuck someone else, and I would never do so even with permission. I’ve been approached on business trips, sometimes in foreign countries, by prostitutes of both sexes, in a place and position where no one, absolutely no one would know one way or the other if I cheated, and my reaction has been one of curious but muted horror - I’m curious as to why they sought me out, but horrified that I might ever do such a thing. And it’s no judgment call on prostitution or such, it’s just that, well, gosh it’s simple - I love my Fierra and part of what I define as love means being part of a team, a solid couple, back to back against all others. I need to know that I can depend on her and she on me, and to people like us, that means we’re two halves of one whole, and three halves make something that we don’t want to or need to be.

Your question however has no really good answer, and so I fear all you will get is opinions…such as mine.

4

There’s no universal answer to this question. It all depends on the couple involved, how comfortable they are with various forms of non-monogamy, how strong the bisexual partner’s desire is for a homosexual (er, or heterosexual, if the couple is gay) experience, whether the couple’s relationship is otherwise strong and healthy, etc. etc.

I know three hetero couples where the woman is bisexual; my impression is that this is often the easiest scenario, because so many straight men have a lesbian fetish. In all three couples, the woman has occasional sexual contact with other women, either while her boyfriend/husband watches or as part of a threesome. Of the three couples I know, two are in stable, long-term relationships, and one is in a fairly new relationship that hasn’t become serious yet.

It’s my strongly held opinion that allowing the bisexual partner to explore their sexuality can be good and healthy, as long as the couple honestly discusses and negotiates what they’re comfortable with beforehand, and sticks with whatever they’ve agreed to. Renegotiating should be done after, not in the midst of, a sexual experience.

For more, and better, information than I can give in a single post, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, which covers the entire range of non-monogamous relationships without getting preachy.

5

If you are exploring together as a couple it can be good. If you are exploring as an individual while your partner waits for you it can be bad. In general if you feel like you need to explore sexual stuff you may not be ready to be in a commited, monogamous relationship.

6

I just want to reiterate that this thread is not about me or my relationship with my partner. It is a question I’ve pondered since long before we got together. (If it matters, I’ve already made my own decision and won’t be swayed by the replies in this thread.)

Again, it is not about me. Keep the opinions coming :slight_smile: but let’s steer the thread away from that direction.

7

So you’ve got this friend. :wink:

:smiley:

8

I don’t think there should be different “rules” for a bisexual person than there are for anyone else. Either you’re in a monogamous relationship or you’re in some form of open relationship. If you’re in a monogamous relationship then you have agreed to give up the opportunity to have sex with anyone other than your partner. If you and your partner have agreed that your relationship isn’t monogamous then you can have sex with other people within whatever boundaries you’ve agreed to.

If a bisexual person regrets not having done more “experimenting” prior to their current relationship then they have the right to discuss this with their partner, but I don’t think they have any special right to expect that the partner will be okay with the idea of opening up a previously monogamous relationship. If the partner is not in fact okay with it then the bisexual person faces the same choices as anyone who isn’t fully satisfied with their current sexual partner. They can accept their current relationship for what it is, break up, or cheat. I don’t consider the last one a morally defensible decision.

9

Yes, I agree with this.

10

Let’s try it from a heterosexual viewpoint. Suppose I was married and I told my non-Asian wife that I’ve always had some fantasies about Asian women and I wanted to explore that. Would that go over well? My guess is no.

My general opinion is that there isn’t room for three people in a couple.

ETA: This is just my opinion. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with different relationships if everyone involved is okay with it.

11

I don’t see why groups of more than two people can’t be faithful to each other. This seems to be the middle ground that Lamia doesn’t mention: the middle ground between ‘faithful marriage of two’ and ‘open relationship where each partner is free to explore withot the other knowing’.

I’ll admit that the initial negotiation for change within a previously-existing monogamous pair may be fraught with pitfalls…

12

I can’t think of a time in my life where I’ve been in a monogamous relationship and NOT wanting to boink some other lady. I’m talking strictly on a physical level.

I’ve never done it because that’s a real A-hole move and I’d never want to put that kind of hurt on someone.

The fact that someone in the relationship happens to be bi doesn’t negate that. The only thing that sucks for bi people is that they (theoretically) have at least twice as many people they want to boink as a hetero.

Basically, what I’m saying is that being bi doesn’t give you a free pass.

Even if you’ve never tried “the other side”. I could just as easily argue that I’ve never “Tried” Asian women despite my strong attraction to them. Is anybody on this planet going to cry me a river if I go to my death bed having never “tried” an Asian woman?

No?

Oh, come on guys! Have at least a modicum of empathy. :smiley:

13

This comes up a lot with gay people. Should they have an open relationship, be it with same sex or other partners.

Lots of gay people can have open relationships, but a lot can’t.

It depends on what you expect from the relationship.

A man/woman opening up with another man brings open the need for strict condom useage in the main relationship, and this adds even more stress

14

Sometimes, when I’m pondering the future I’d like to have with my boyfriend, it makes me sad that if we stay together, I’ll never have another relationship with a woman. That said, I don’t want an open relationship and I might consider a threesome if he wants one, but it isn’t really a high priority. I don’t want to explore that side of my sexuality WITH him. What I’m sad about is that I’ll never have with a woman what I already have with him.

There’s really no solution. If I broke up with him for a woman, I’d eventually be sad that I’d never have a man again. As it is, I’m happily monogamous with fantasies I can’t act on. Everyone has at least one of those, right?

15

I did in fact specifically mention that there are different kinds of open relationships and that even non-monogamous relationships have boundaries that are agreed upon by the people involved. I guess a relationship limited to some specific group of people isn’t really “open” so if that’s the semantic point you wanted to make then fine, but I did not in any way suggest that the only choice is between monogamy or having sex with whoever you want whenever you want without your partner knowing about it.

If one of the people in an existing monogamous relationship is only interested in monogamy then even a closed 3+ member relationship is going to be more “open” than what they want. Saying that the people in a 3+ member relationship can all be faithful to one another isn’t going to change that. If the monogamous person only wants to have one sexual partner and wants that one sexual partner to feel the same way, adding another person to the relationship simply isn’t going to work.

Or, to answer the OP’s question more briefly, “exploration” is good for the couple if that’s what both parties want, and it’s bad if it isn’t. In a healthy relationship both people should be able to discuss what they want and at least consider possible changes, but if they can’t reach an agreement on this matter the best thing to do is break up so they can both find the kind of relationship that they really want.

16

Is there any evidence that gay people are more likely to want an open relationship than straight people?

17

I can’t speak to the bi situation, but can relate my own experience with open relationships.

My partner and I have been together 9 years and in the last few have negotiated an open relationship. In a semi-related manner, it started because he felt that he hadn’t really explored his sexual options while I had significantly more sexual experience then he did. Over the years we’ve negotiated from ‘Let’s try a threesome’ to ‘you can be with someone once and I will to’ to where we currently are. Currently, we have it setup to where either of us can be with someone else. We always give advance warning if we plan to and the other party always has the right to say no. (and of course the basics like, no unsafe play. I also have a few particular situations I don’t want him in for my own reasons)

I admit it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride and I still get fairly intensely jealous when he takes advantage of the opportunity. I don’t feel that way when I do it so I know I have a bit of a double standard that I’m working on. The main thing that has made it work is open communication and respect for the other person’s right to say no, or even just no not this weekend. Anyone else I’ve been with is told I’m in a relationship, so they are free to back out if that bothers them. It also puts them on notice that this is purely a physical thing.

Some couples can make it work and I’d like to think that if my partner wanted to try being with a women, I’d be ok with that. Not that I’d really understand the desire to do so or that I think he ever would. Some couples can’t or shouldn’t attempt it. To anyone thinking about such a thing, please make damn sure that relationship is solid. I turned down a friend a few weeks ago who invited me for a threesome because I didn’t feel their relationship could handle the strain. Whatever (the hypothetical :wink: ) you decides to do, make sure both parties are going in knowing whats up and are truly ok with it.

18

Okay, I’ve been on both sides of this…

First off, I am bisexual. In high school, I played both sides of the fence, did some “group” stuff, etc., but then I dated a really controlling, abusive boy and after that was convinced I was a lesbian (I was still attracted to men, but I think my fear of men was stronger, now that I look back on it.) I started dating a woman seriously. She had a few less than desirable traits (she was a gossip, drama queen), but I didn’t think they would be an issue.

I started to meet men (friends) who showed me that I didn’t need to be afraid of men, and when that happened all those repressed feelings came back. I talked honestly to my girlfriend and said (more or less) “I’m not sure what I am. I’m still young and we’re not married and I need to figure things out.” I cared about my girlfriend, and to some degree loved her, but I wasn’t seriously committed to her. Sure, we weren’t sleeping with other people, but we weren’t ready to run off to Canada and get married. I was prepared to break up with her while I did this, but she insisted that she would be okay with me figuring things out. She didn’t want me to leave and was under the impression that if you hold a butterfly too tight, you’ll crush it to death.

Well, with her “blessing” I slept with one of my male friends and realized that, yes, I truly am bi and do enjoy sex with men, but that I did really care about my girlfriend. I went back to my girlfriend and told her this, that I loved her and wanted to be with her even though I like men, etc.

She flipped that I slept with a man. Called me a traitor (not a cheater, mind you, but a traitor to lesbians, even though I wasn’t a lesbian…), got all gossipy and told people that I got an STD by sleeping with the guy and that I gave it to her (all lies).

Anyway, at that point in my life/relationship, exploration was good. It helped me find who I am (and realize my girlfriend wasn’t right for me, that her gossipy traits were deal breakers).

And there was the time when I was dating a girl who thought maybe she wasn’t a lesbian, but bi (sound familiar?) and she wanted to explore… but she wanted to do it with me because she knew I was bi. I knew how important it was for me to do that exploring, so I wanted to help her with that. Well, we both slept with the guy and after that, we both found ourselves fixed on him… and inevitably, it broke us up.

It depends on where you’re at, I guess. I mean, I’m married and hopelessly in love with my husband and even though I still have desires to sleep with women, I wouldn’t because I love him so much. A young person in a non-committed relationship, perhaps, yeah. It could be good. But someone who is committed and is just looking for an excuse to play around? Not a good idea…

Sorry this was so long, but I thought it might help…

19

Being bisexual doesn’t mean I’d only be fulfilled if I were able to have sex or a romantic relationship with both genders at the same time, it just means that it’s possible for me to have a fulfilling relationship with either one. Anything else may be true on an individual basis, but it is not a defining characteristic of bisexuality. Whether exploration is good or bad depends entirely on the boundaries that the couple has agreed upon, and has nothing to do with sexuality. I think the husband who has never been with an Asian woman is a perfectly analogous situation.

I’m a monogamous person myself. I can’t imagine being in love with and devoted to more than one person at the same time. That doesn’t mean my sexuality is magically shut off, and that if I have a long-term girlfriend I’ll stop thinking Gael García Bernal is totally dreamy, but nor will I long for the kind of experience that I can only have with a man. I can be perfectly satisfied never knowing what that is.

20

This is another aspect that I’ve wondered about, not necessarily ‘can the average bisexual be satisfied by one partner of one gender’ (because I know it’s being done all the time) but perhaps ‘how can one be satisfied that way’. I’m told that being with a man is very different from being with a woman (as I imagine it would be) so, when a bisexual person is committed to one partner, those feelings/desires for what the other side has to offer, do those feelings disappear or can they be satisfied by fantasy, etc. (If my convoluted sentence structure makes any sense. :slight_smile: )

Similarly I don’t think the Asian analogy is a great one, because an Asian woman will have soft skin, breasts, smooth face, etc just like any other woman, whereas the sexes have much different physiology and tend to also have different drives from each other. Not to generalize that all men like to mount and all women like to be penetrated, but what I’ve heard is that there is a difference in “energy”, which I took to mean the ways in which people tend to express their passion.

It does certainly sound like allowing a partner to explore is a good way to break up a relationship. I was thinking it probably would be.