… to let you all share this part of my life, I did so knowing full well that this in itself isn’t normal behavior and that if I were to poll all of you, I bet most of the “no’s” would be because it’s really no one’s business what’s going on with me physically or mentally.
All of my adult life I’ve been hearing people tell me “You’re very complex”, “you’re your own worst enemy”, and “you’re narcissistic.”. That last one hits pretty close to home in its accuracy, and although I know that I am, I don’t why I am that way.
One other question I asked myself was “What do you think others will think you have to gain from laying it all out like that before them?” That’s another one I can’t really get a handle on. I mean, whether it be survival, success, or trying to be as best a friend as I can to everyone, maybe the “survival” one is the best reason. I am hoping to convey that by hanging on, communicating my thoughts and feelings and letting you see my “dirty underbelly”, I can let you see just how screwed up a guy can get and still carry on some semblance of life.
So what’s in it for me? I can’t think of a thing unless it’s just leaving behind that part of me that’s relatively still un-fucked up, that part of me which can make you smile whether it’s intentional or just because I really am a dumb-ass.
This last little episode, other than making me feel panical, kinda “centered” me too, in that it made me think that I’m not immortal, and that life is not finite.
So, no. It isn’t sympathy I am after. I think it’s thinking that even though I sometimes feel that there isn’t anyone who cares, there really is. (Hope that makes sese!)
A little anecdote about my narcissism: Back in the mid-80’s, I worked on 2 Community Theatre plays. One was "You Can’t Take It With You’, and another was an Agatha Christie murder mystery whose title I can’t recall.
Except for high school I had never done any acting and had to be taught how to apply my own make-up. When I got done (with some help of course) I looked in the mirror, and… fell in love! All my blemishes had disappeared, my eyes looked brighter, bluer and deeper. So I got to thinking, “Holy shit, you’re beautiful!!! Why can’t you look that way ALL the time???”
So I don’t know how you took what I just now wrote, but since you’re the only ones I know, even in a limited way, looks like y’all are it.
Finally, I don’t know if my family (brother, nephews etc.) are pulling back from me or if I am pushing them back, but communicating with you all here is much easier than in real life, and I appreciate every second you give me in reading this.