Ever since I can remember, my mother and aunts have told me, “You never know when you’ll meet your future husband, so you always want to look your best.” Not bad advice, really, but their idea of best is completely unlike mine. I dress neatly, my hair isn’t messy, and I’m always clean, sometimes even made-up and/or very lightly perfumed, according to my whim of the day. That’s apparently not enough. One must always be impeccably groomed, made-up to within an inch of one’s life, and possibly wearing shoes that hurt one’s feet, if they complete the outfit, which must also be just so.
My stance is that it’s better to look my version of my best, than to doll myself up in a way that I won’t keep up. I’m old enough now that I generally just ignore their pronouncements, but I have been wondering if there isn’t really something to what they’re saying.
How do the Dopers feel about this, and as a bonus, if you’d like, were you grubby, reasonably presentable, or incredibly well-dressed when you met your SO?
Well assuming you don’t naturally want to appear this way, you’re going to eventually run into some problems. First, what happens if the person of your dreams happened to prefer your natural look rather than your made-up one? Second, even if the person of your dreams does like your made-up look best, at some point you’re going to have to face the choice; do you tell them it was a lie and you don’t usuaully look like that or do you reconcile yourself to living that lie for the rest of your life?
So if you meet your potential S.O. at a black tie affair, you’ll be expected to wear formal attire for the rest of your life?
People should dress in a manner they feel most comfortable. If that means sweat pants and a hoodie then that’s who they are and how they will most likely be a large proportion of their lives. Their potential mate ought to know that.
However, you one’s personal sense of style and comfort demands that one be stylishly dressed and groomed when out in public, then that is their personal style and the image that they will put forward to anybody who cares to be paying attention at the time.
People should not try to be something they are not. Nice clothes don’t make you look better if you look like you are uncomfortable in your own skin. It is equally true that looking bummy 'cuz you just helped your friend move in the middle of July will not make you feel comfortable in your own skin if you tend to be more conscience of your image. Plus, the chances of your hot new neighbour seeing you looking like a vagrant increase to the probability value approaching 1.0 .
I agree with you. As a student I don’t need to “dress up” everyday, but I still try to present a best version of myself–clean shaven, nice jeans, collared shirt or sweater and absolutely no sneakers. To dress any differently for an everyday occasion would be a misrepresentation of myself.
When I met my wife I was wearing a pair of worn-in jeans, a gray long sleeve t-shirt that said something about “certified beer taster”, a baseball hat, a St. Louis Cardinals on-field jacket and a pair of slighty scuffed Skechers boots. I also “forgot” to shave that day. Definitely not the clothes I would have picked if I knew I was going to meet my future wife.
Bottom line–what’s on the outside may attract them initially, but what’s on the inside will get them to stick around.
I wouldn’t wear anything on a first date that I wouldn’t wear to work, but I try to wear the outfits that I think look better on me than others. I have a “first date” sweater and a “second date” sweater, but I wear them on ordinary days, too (and yes, I have to do more planning when dating in the summer ;)). I don’t even wear makeup on a date that I wouldn’t wear on a regular day. I believe in presenting a clean, well-groomed Misnomer to the world on a daily basis, so how I look outside of that doesn’t matter in more than a passing “I hope my ass doesn’t look even bigger than usual in these pants” way.
To speak more to your mother and aunts’ advice, I don’t believe that my potential SO wouldn’t become my SO just because I looked worse than usual when we met (sick, bad hair day, ugly blouse, etc.). But then, I also don’t believe in living my life in constant anticipation of “meeting my future husband.”
Neither do I, which they don’t understand. Considering the states of their marriages, I don’t know why they’re pushing for me to get hitched. Of course, I don’t say that to them.
Hey I LOVE a woman who feels comfortable enough in her own skin that she can, at a moments notice, throw her hair back in a ponytail, put on a pair of jeans and maybe an old concert shirt and head out for the day (or night). Sans the make-up.
Don’t get me wrong, on certain occasions, I like it when my woman dresses up. But if we’re just head’n out to Dickey’s Bar-b-que for a rack of ribs and a few brewskies? By all means, don’t make me wait two hours while you put you face paint on. :rolleyes:
The day the man of my dreams first saw me I was wearing paint spattered denim cut-offs, a paint spattered X-Files t-shirt, and tennies that made flopping noises because the rubber was coming off. I had my hair in braids and a red bandana tied on my head. I was covered with paint. He says he remembers I had a spot of blue paint on my ear but I don’t remember that part.
He also says it was love at first sight. We didn’t meet that day though. He’d only passed me at the gas station a few weeks before we started working together.
I doubt he’d have noticed me if I was dressed up, or at least cleaned up. I don’t guess I’d have stood out too much in the crowd. And this is me, all the time, with the old clothes and braids. When I get all made up, that’s how I feel–made up. I don’t think my ideal “man of my dreams” would base his attraction on how fixed up I was that day. MY “man of my dreams” wouldn’t want me to be wearing uncomfortable shoes.
Ooh, by the way, the day I met him HE was wearing a torn white Farrell-Calhoun t-shirt, funny blue jeans with a little cowboy with a lasso and sombrero design on the leg. He also had on a red bandana, but his was rolled up whereas mine was donned kerchief style. Oddly he was wearing shiny black dress shoes and white socks with this get-up. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight for me, but those shoes were mighty endearing.
Personally, I actively avoid the overdone and impeccable ladies. I don’t really like a contrived or artificial look, and frankly it intimidates me and I immediately put the woman on my unattainable list… I figure they definitely wouldn’t be interested in a schlubb like me, so I move on and keep it real. So if you wanna keep guys like me away, dress up. (Which, if you were to know me, you might think was a good idea… or, maybe not.)
Sounds like some of the get-ups I used to wear before I got taken in tow. Nowadays, at times when such things might matter, clothes are put out for me and I wear what’s put there without asking questions. No really: I can cook, do laundry, keep a clean house, all that stuff. Clothes are a mystery.
To the Op; as long as a person is clean and looks comfortable I think that’s good enough. I was always somewhat scared of women who were dressed and made-up to the max. I mean, they might like to be that way! They might want me to get like that on a regular basis! :eek:
Hmm…well, when I met my SO I believe I was wearing panties and a towel.
The beauty of online dating. (Although I think he might say I turned up looking my best :))
Beyond that, when we met in person (and obviously has a lot of time to plan what to wear for someone we thought might be the person of our dreams) I’d say we both showed up in a slightly spiffier version of what we wear every day.
When I met my SO for the first time, it was while my then-fiance was out running some errands. I didn’t know his best friend had arrived and was sitting quietly in the living room. I was in my fiance’s bathroom, making myself up very carefully - styling my hair just so, doing my makeup perfectly, then dressing in one of my sexiest (yet classy) black outfits: black dress pants, a sexy halter covered by a flowing, gauzy black thingy (I don’t know what the thing was called, but it was very pretty), and heels… the whole outfit was enormously flattering on me. My fiance was going to take me out to a nice restaurant, and I’d wanted to wow him.
I walked out into the living room, tossing my hair back, and I was positively smoking. I have a pretty low self-esteem, and even I have to admit that on that particular day, I looked the best I ever have, before or since.
I wowed someone that day. There sat my fiance’s best friend, eyes popping out of his head.
Years later, after we were married, he’s told me how many times he thought back to that first time he ever laid eyes on me. He said he fell in love with me from that moment on.
He sees me lounging around in his sweat pants and oversized shirts today, but he still thinks I’m pretty darn cute. Purely coincidence that I met the person of my dreams while I was dressed to the nines. Under normal circumstances, I would have just strolled out in jeans and a T-shirt.
Heh. I was wondering if there’d be responses in this vein.
**devilsknew, ** that’s sort of the way I feel about guys who are always really impeccably dressed. Talk about out of one’s league. Besides, on those rare occasions I actually need the mirror, I’d like to not have to fight for it.
When I met my current squeeze I had been deliberately cultivating an unattractive teenage beard for some weeks, because at that point I had (temporarily) given up actively looking for someone. However, we were in a darkened nightclub and she was drunk :). And she did insist I shaved before agreeing to go out with me.
I had seen my wife a few times at Environmental events and the first extended time I spoke to her it dress in grungies to work on the winter fit-out of the Hudson Sloop Clearwater. She wore no make-up, had long dark hair and was beautiful. It took me another 6 months before I finally asked her out.
(I was stupid, what can I say)
She still wears no make-up and is a very comfortable person to be with.
Harimad-Sol, I’m with you–I rarely even look at the guys that are dressed up. Where’s the guy in the baseball cap and jeans? That’s my man.
When I “go out” to places where I could conceivably meet THE ONE, I usually look only slightly more spiffed than I do going to work–the reason being that I’m rushing to get to work, but rarely rushing to get to the bar for karaoke. But I’d much rather have my potential future husband see me as I am every day for the first time, then be pleasantly surprised by how well I clean up.
My mom agrees with your relatives, and I completely disagree with all of them.
I was amazed at how many men were interested in me who had only ever seen me wearing shapeless grey sweats, no makeup, and my hair pulled back into a tight braid. I did much, much better under those circumstances than when I dressed up nicely and wore makeup and high heels.
Just one woman’s experience.
I would estimate that about 90% of the stuff that women do to be more appealing to men is actually counter-productive.
I have given up trying to compete with other women. It took me many years to learn to like who I am. I now believe in being true to myself. If that attracks someone, fabulous. He knows what he’s getting and it suits him just fine. I always maintain a high degree of personal hygiene. What more is there? When the occasion calls for it, (wedding, holiday party, etc) I go all out. Most of the rest of the time, I dress in what can best be described as office casual. I save the jeans for the weekend. I am not “looking” for anyone. He’s out there looking for me. He’ll find me when I’m ready.
Purely coincidence that I met the person of my dreams while I was dressed to the nines. Under normal circumstances, I would have just strolled out in jeans and a T-shirt.