True story.
Yesterday, I’m walking down the street. Out of the corner of my eye I see it. Setting there alone. It was painted flat black. Totally! No chrome. No identifing markings. No numbers - no nuthin’. Just a plain, un-marked flat black moped.
I am fuckin’ not making this up!!!
You weren’t supposed to see that. I’ll have to put you on the List, now.
The official story is that the Gov’t is experementing with a new Army formation, the Moped Grenediers: Large numbers of heavily-armed grannies on mopeds, storming through the streets in an irresistable wave, striking terror into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere…
That’s the official story, and I’m sticking to it.
Hey, I didn’t know, Tranquilis. I was just reporting what I saw. It was an innocent…wait, someomes at the door - be right back…
.
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(scuffling noises)
(door slamming)
.
.
.
.
.
.
Damn, that was quick. They usually take at leat 24 hours to dissapear someone. Unless someone else is working this…
What’s that…?
Hey! Who are you? What’s with the net…
Stop it…!
<scuffle>
Help…!
<silence>
Anybody here? Helloooo…Hmm, I wonder where they went? It seems so—quiet, in here.
(looks around nervously)
Maybe I’ve just been watching too much X-Files, but I could have sworn I saw…Hey, what IS that!?
See, you must have missed it, but on those bikes…black on black lettering…it says “Fnord”.
(breaks away from captors, rushes back to computer…
-sees Tranquilis on his way out {" Hey, Tranq, what’s up with the net?" } -
…to type the word…)
“Fnord”???
(and is then hauled away again)
mmm… grenadine…
This Tranqilis. Really. I’m not an animatronic replacement. You have nothing to fear. Trust your leaders. They know what’s good for you.
Pay no attention to the friendly grenadine-drinking grannies on mopeds. Especially not to the ones on black mopeds. They were never here.
You are mistaken.
You saw nothing of the sort.
It was swamp gas.
There’s nothing to see here.
There’s nothing to see…
There’s nothing to see…
There’s nothing to see…
There’s noothiiing toooo see[sub]eeee[/sub]…
[sub]Psst! Yeah, over here in the corner. Quick, while it’s recharging, make a break for it…![/sub]
( “Traquilis” sitting in the corner seems to be slowing down. Mutters, through clenched teeth, …)
“Oil can…oil can…”
Uh-huh…right.
(zoogirl tiptoes up to Tranquilis. She reaches out gingerly and taps him on the shoulder. There is a hollow, metallic Bong!)
r-r-robot, robot, ROBOT!!!
(zoogirl runs for it!)
well, it seems i am just the man to examine this occurance…
due to my recent muliple board-spanning war with Jester, i am now the bearer of superpowers and SSj abilities. lemme get my mono-filament power sword and i will get started…
<draws frail looking rapier>
<FOOSH!>
<edge glows blue and leave a blue glowing haze in the air where it moves, due to the energy flowing through the buckminster-fullerene wire ionizing the air it touches, and strengthening the blade to indestructability>
now, all i need are some Investigator cybernetic augements from a Simon R. Green Deathstalker book and The Boost…
um… guys? guys? where is everyone? and (ouch!) careful with that sword, saepiroth (yeowch!), don’t wave it around so dra(ow!)matically… hey, black moped? hmmm… black moped…
sound of moped engine
say, black like the one right outside my door? uh-oh…
Oof! sounds of punching and fighting
heeeeeeelllllllllppppppppppppppp…
sound of cat being dragged out the door
sound of moped engine being started up
meeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww[sub]wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…[/sub]
sounds fade away into the distance
Well, I’m glad that’s not happening in my country!
Such a sense of humour.
<pause> Just a minute. There’s a voice in the bathroom. Uually it’s just someone in the laundry room, the two are side by side, no big deal…
<noise off>
“Buenos dias”?!?
“Who said that?”
“Hej! Kion vi faras? Hej!”
<sound of a door opening>
<an electric humming in the distance>
“Aiiieeeeee…”
<muffled noises followed by a sharp click>
<silence>
Hi. I’m back. Everything’s …okay. 
clank clank clank
i’m back, everything’s fine, fine, fine, fine, fine whack
there is no conspiracy.
there is no conspiracy.
there is no conspiracy.
real cougarfang runs in with a souped up welding torch
FWOOSH!
robot cougarfang goes up in a burst of vaporized metal
RUN! ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE THE BLACK MOPED GANG GETS YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo[sub]oooooooooooooooooooooooo…[/sub]
sound of cat being dragged screaming and kicking out of room
sound fades away (again)
warmgun: The word “fnord” is a deeply planted hypnotic trigger word… <Miller’s door is suddenly kicked into splinters by large men in black trenchcoats. They advance menacingly.> Damn! Listen, the government implanted it in all of us! When we were in school, they hypnotized… <The sinister men grab Miller and drag him struggling out the door> Find…Find Robert Anton Wilson! He knows… It’s in his books! Read The Illuminatus Trilogy! Don’t trust UGH! <Miller slumps as his captor brings a blackjack down on the back of his skull. They drag him outside and strap him onto the back of a moped, which speeds away.>
<Looks around at all the mayhem, scratching his head, then sees the moped careening down the street with someone on the back of it.>
Hey! STOP! THIEF! THAT’S MY MOPED!!!
Why are you all looking at me that way for? What the heck is that glowing thing in your hand saepiroth?
<Realizes that everyone is looking at him like he is the boogyman>
Ummm…did I say moped? I meant mop…yeah…uh…MOP! Didn’t you see that person running in the other direction with my mop?
<Comes to the realization that maybe they aren’t buying it, and starts running>
This explains everything!
I always knew it was Sinead O’Connor’s fault. Now it’s so blidingly obvious you’d have to be someone who is blind to the blindingly obvious not to see it.
What? The song was “Black Boys on Mopeds” not “Boys on Black Mopeds”?
[Emily Litella]
Never Mind.
[/Emily Litella]
snopes totally debunked the black moped…I quote
Thank God for snopes, fighting ignorance everywhere
Don’t worry Arthur! I and the man-eating cow will save The City!
Those black-moped Ninjas. They’re wacky!
Ooo! Crime!