Tangentially related to this thread.
It’s not unusual for me to have extra kids over my house for the weekend. I’ve also taken a spare kid or two on outings most recently the movies; but last summer we took our boys plus three extras to a water park. Like the linked story I’m pretty sure I had a free pass or two, but I don’t think that was a primary consideration at the time*. I’ve never had or expected reimbursement for any of these things. Likewise when my boys have been invited along on trips or parties or what have you, other than knowing the parents involved I don’t make any particular notes to my self to try reciprocating at some point in the future. However based on the majority responses in the linked thread, I’m wondering if most people are expecting exactly that.
This seems somehow rude to me. I can almost understand if we were talking adult acquaintances who seemed to be frequent freeloaders. But were talking kids and to me that seems to be almost an intrusion into the financial wherewithal of the parents. Like playing a proxy game of one-upmanship. I’m probably doing a poor job of expressing what I’m trying to say, anybody else getting the gist of what I’m trying to say?
*I’m almost positive that I made the invite and one of the parents produced a pass or something similar.
I kind of consider it along the same lines as a host/hostess gift. When I invite someone to my house or whatever, I fully expect to bear all the costs. But I think it generally polite for guests to ask, “Can I bring anything?” Usually I’ll say no, and if they persist, I’ll just suggest some whatever they want to drink, chocolates, dessert or something. And even if I tell them not to bring anything, I am not surprised if they show up with a 6-pack and a bouquet of flowers.
It gets a little tougher with kids, especially when they are going to pricier things. Using the example of the water park, sure, it is fine to pay all of the admissions. But what if your family tends to bring your own snacks and drink out of the fountain. It can be a pain if the guests expect a constant stream of sodas and nachos from the snack bar, and didn’t bring a penny of their own. That’s why IMO politeness requires that the host expect to bear all costs AND the guest expect to pay at least a token share of the costs. It is generally the appearance of being willing and ready to pay for some of the costs that is more important than actually coughing up the bucks.
I don’t think that parents keep score, if that’s what you’re asking. Or if they are, they shouldn’t be. Yes, it’s nice to remember people, especially those who have been thoughtful enough to include your child in their plans. And you should. But parents shouldn’t say, “We’re not asking Billy to come along to the zoo, sweetie. His parents didn’t bother to invite us to his birthday party.”
That said, it would make me less likely to invite others’ kids over if I noticed that I was always doing the hosting for a particular set. If, for example, I was always having Billy over for a sleepover but his parents never asked my son to stop by, I’d think I was being used as a free babysitter. *
*Please keep in mind that this doesn’t include extenuating circumstances, such as if I knew Billy’s parents were financially incapable of having my kid over, were in the middle of a divorce, if my kid had special needs, etc.
Around here when you take kids to just take them, the parents would give you admission fees for the activities. Now if the group you hang out with reciprocates about equal amounts, that a good set up too. There will always someone that’s around for a free ride in this world.
I guess I should add that I always told my kids they were welcome to have their friends over any time, we tried to keep snacks and drinks on hand, and they were always welcome for dinner. We figured it was the best/easiest/cheapest way to keep an eye on what our kids were doing with whom.
Yes. That seems to be what people do around here. Taking my kid to the movies, here’s ten bucks for the ticket and money for the popcorn. Going to the fair? Here’s money for the ticket book and a few games.
If someone invites my child to disney, I fully expect to make the determination if she can go by the amount of money I have for the ticket and lunch. If they have a free pass, I think that is wonderfully generous but still think I should have to pay for lunch, games, snacks.
Obviously, there are many ways these types of situations are handled throughout the world.
We often invite our childrens’ friends along to outings. Be it dinner, movies or theme parks. If we are short on funds, I might mention to the other parents that the child should bring any money they will want to spend on souvenirs, but I always pick up food. As a host, that’s my job.
When my children have been invited on things, I will send money with them so as to pick up the cost of any snacks/souvenirs. If the other parent made it clear that my child was being invited but had to foot their own costs, that would be fine – so long as I knew up front.
I never expect people to pay me back for these things and I never expect to pay for them when my children are invited (unless told up front). I don’t think it’s rude if someone doesn’t offer me money to cover their child’s day, and on the occasions that money is offered, I will let the kid spend it on junk and return unspent money to the parent.
I will add on this thread that I think it isn’t really fair for the kids to only get to do activities with another family when the other family has to foot the entire bill. I assume we are talking about outings and not play dates but when costs are more than throwing the kid PB&J and a juice box.
As I said in the other thread, I’m one of the parents who never reciprocates. My son is Mr. Popularity, so I “owe” several invitations, but there’s one family in particular who has had my son over a lot and even taken him to a theme park (I paid his way). We’ve never asked their kids over once.
We don’t have a very kid-centric household. Besides eleven-year-old Mister Popularity, we’ve got two or three surly teenagers and ourselves, the two reserved (aloof? grim? taciturn?) parents. I can’t imagine how we’d entertain another kid.
That said, I do feel we’re obliged to return the favor at some point, and the timing of this thread is good, since all the kids are out of school next week. I’m going to make some attempt.
There are two children down the street that are very good friends with my daughter. Their parents are dead and they are being raised by their grandparents. Not only do they play each weekend at and around my house, we have had them over for sleepovers, taken them to movies, fairs, shopping or even just out to lunch. They have never reciprocated. I have no bitterness at all because I am aware that they are overwhelmed as it is and adding another child to the mix is too much for them. However, they do often offer funds for the outings. Sometimes I take it, sometimes not. When I do accept it is because I know that is all they can do to reciprocate since having another child to care is not possible. People may be aware of your situation and sometimes it is just easier on everybody if they revolve around one house.
I don’t feel that the other parents are aware of our situation (I could be wrong, of course). The surly teenagers make a good excuse, but even without them around, it’s unlikely we’d extend invitations. We’re kind enough people, but not warm and outgoing.
I think we can stretch ourselves a little. Thanks for trying to let me off the hook, though.
I think if you are doing the inviting, you do the paying. I think that offering to pay is assuming your host doesn’t have the basic manners to understand this and is an insult. I also understand that I’m in the old fashioned minority and send cash with my kids or offer. And of course do the old fashioned thing and reciprocate. But I’ve never let anyone else’s kid pay for something we are taking them too, I wouldn’t dream of it. Spending money is their responsibility. Tickets and feeding them, mine.
See this is one of the reasons I think it makes me uncomfortable. My namesakes best friend is being raised by his grandmother as well. I know this lady is on a fixed income and is raising several grandchildren. It would embarrass me if she tried to offer me money for the things I do for her grandchild.
As far as the money issue, I offer money when my kid is invited somewhere. Whether they take it or don’t, I’m not offended. If I were to proffer an invitation, I would intend to pay all costs and most likely turn down money from the parents. If they continued to insist, I would accept the money if that’s what it took to make them comfortable.
While I’m not a parent, I do feel that the parents planning the outing should be ready to pay for everything (unless it’s mentioned upfront). That said I also feel there is nothing wrong with offering to pay for your own child, and giving your kid a bit of spending money (more than enough to pay their way in) is never a bad idea. If it’s needed for admission, they have it, and if not then they can spend it as they wish.
I am not quite sure why you would find that embarrassing. Offering doesn’t mean you have to accept but she may be feeling embarrassed that she isn’t in the position to offer. There is nothing embarrassing about being gracious and saying “That is nice but not necessary and it is my pleasure”.
If you invite, you pay, especially with kids. When you invite somebodyelse’s kid to go along with yours you are doing it as a favor to your child, not as a favor to those people you barely know. Kids need food so, if you are planning a full day away, you need to feed them. If they sleep over - you feed them. If you go camping with you - you feed them. If you invite a child to go to a pricey restaurant - you feed them. You are the adult, you decide whether to eat at the expensive place at the amusement park or to take along a picnic from home.
The only exception is if you are willing to state upfront an amount of money you think the affair is going to cost. “We are going to the park on Saturday and little Johnny would like to know if little Billy can go. We figure it’s going to cost about $50.” If you can’t say that - you’re paying.
My son was invited to affairs, even birthday parties, where we were told the bill afterward. Now THAT’S rude.
The thought crossed my mind. Happened more than once. Kid gets a B-day invite, drop off kid (with present!), they all go out to Lazer tag or local amusement part or whatever. At the end of the day when I go to pick up, the parents drop the bomb: “We figured it cost about $30 apiece.” My first thought was “Thanks for sharing”, then I got that weird feeling like when a bellhop is waiting for a tip and I’m being dense.
These kid parties are staggeringly expensive when you’ve invited 10 of junior’s closest friends to one of those places. I know. But the person who decides what is being spent is one who should pay.
A birthday party seems pretty clear to me. The host pays. My daughter choose Discovery Cove as her birthday party destination this past year. She also had a list of friends she wanted to invite. Since the price is over 200 dollars per person, she was limited to ONE. She did choose to do it instead of having a big party btw. Could you imagine if I had invited a dozen kids and handed each one a bill? Point is, the host pays for a birthday party and I would never assume any different. You should have given her the bill for the gift.
